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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never speak to these relatives again

59 replies

Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 17:58

FIL has lots of brothers and sisters. One sister had a brain tumour and her face droops on one side and she has trouble walking as one side is weak. Her husband cares for her but is a bitter sarcastic man. She can't speak very well. My husband did a 140 mile round trip with his Dad meeting relatives today. When he phoned to say he was on his way to these two he said not to bother - they were expecting them hours ago had been sitting there worried all day and they that she goes to bed at 4pm. No mention of 'are you ok then!?' When they left to take FIL home, I phoned back. The sister miraculously could speak better than she has done for years and repeated how rude we were and no she didn't want to see them today (last saw them about 2 years ago). FIL said they would call in in the afternoon and they took that as noon! I have had a terrible year with bereavements and said it would be nice for her to see her nephew - I told her that and she dismissed me. We have always been so nice sending her pics of the kids and she has always sent flowery cards saying 'thinking of you' . It was like speaking to a different person. FIL has said she has been like this before occasionally. I am so annoyed for him and my husband and me. Sorry just had to vent but Aibu to never see/speak to them again?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2016 18:03

I think the best thing is to lea e your husband and father in law to make their own choices in this matter. Their reaction is very odd buy maybe a brain tumour makes you act off sometimes.

Just leave it to dh and FIL and think no more of it. Smile

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2016 18:03

I mean the reaction of the relatives is very odd.

Cocolepew · 27/12/2016 18:04

Probably doing her a favour if you dont.

user1480946351 · 27/12/2016 18:05

You're complaining that an elderly woman with a brain tumour, other severe deficits, and a mean husband as a carer, was rude to you?

Get a hold of yourself and shake. Hmm

neolara · 27/12/2016 18:07

Brain tumour could be affecting her behaviour. Sounds a sad situation if that is the case.

Original poster
Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 18:09

Thank you for replying. I will leave it up to them about any contact in future. FIL suffers from depression and this isn't going to help. I am fuming inside though and just announced to kids they will never had to see them again if they don't want to (don't see them very often anyway)and they cheered.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 27/12/2016 18:11

It does all seem a bit of an over reaction.

The FIL and his sister don't sound at all close if they live within 140 miles (sounds like much less as that was a round trip including others?) and haven't seen each other for 2 years.

Sending photos of your kids is a nice thing to do, but hardly onerous and actually (sorry!) not always particularly interesting for other people. The notes might have just been politeness. The great-nieces /nephews through a nephew you (rarely?) see from a brother who you rarely see - not that exciting.

It's strange to react so badly about a misunderstanding on time today - but could be backstory of her brother (your FIL) being a pain like that. Or her feeling he just isn't that bothered and this being an example. But I'm in danger of making up the backstory there!

I find it a bit odd that you called her instead of your husband.

With regards to her speech - it's clearly OK sometimes or you wouldn't have called her on the phone. I'm sure she has good and bad days depending on how tired she is.

You know the history so you know if you're unreasonable. But my opinion on what you've said is that you are reacting pretty strongly to one incident, that wasn't "done" to you, even.

Amandahugandkisses · 27/12/2016 18:13
Sad I think you are v unkind
Nanny0gg · 27/12/2016 18:14

I am fuming inside though and just announced to kids they will never had to see them again if they don't want to (don't see them very often anyway)and they cheered.

Because they won't see an elderly relative who has been very ill and may still be quite unwell?

Nice.

Original poster
Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 18:15

No User she had a brain tumour removed years ago. She is now weak on one side but has always had a croaky shaky voice which is difficult to understand but it was perfectly able to understand today - I think she's been putting on the pitiful voice for years. The only word I can use for her was vile.

OP posts:
HecAteAllTheXmasPud · 27/12/2016 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockyBird · 27/12/2016 18:16

Fuck me it's Xmas, give the woman a break.

user1480946351 · 27/12/2016 18:20

The only word I can use for her was vile

I think that's lyo.

user1480946351 · 27/12/2016 18:20

you

Whateveryouwannacallme · 27/12/2016 18:21

brain tumours can have all sorts of effects on language and behaviour, My FIL could be his usual self one minute then having halucinations... then speaking in vulgar manner the next.,,,, but if he saw us in person it helped him focus and react more as his usual self. it also affects memory.

its up to your FIL of course but please dont offer an opinion if you dont understand how medical condition affect people.... unless of course there is a long or complex back story between them that affects their relationship before the brain tumour.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/12/2016 18:25

I am fuming inside though and just announced to kids they will never had to see them again if they don't want to (don't see them very often anyway)and they cheered.

How delightful Hmm

Ellisandra · 27/12/2016 18:27

Bloody hell, that doesn't sound very nice telling your kids already, and the cheer. Why the cheer? Just because it's dull visiting a great aunt on rare occasions, or has she actually done something bad to them in the past.
Whilst I can see my own child cheering at escaping a boring distant relative and understand that, I admit I'm hypocritically rather uncomfortable at the idea of you encouraging that reaction.

Your comment about all these pictures of the kids you sent... a bit hollow, if none of you liked her, no?

Perhaps she's also cheering that she doesn't have to write polite flowery notes about distant relatives she cares little for?

Patienceisvirtuous · 27/12/2016 18:28

Ugh! That's aimed at you, not her.

Ellisandra · 27/12/2016 18:28

(and who she probably realised cared little for her)

viques · 27/12/2016 18:28

Wow hill billy, fingers crossed you don't get ill or infirm because with the example of compassion you show I imagine your kids will be dropping you off at the nearest railway arches with your very own shopping trolley.

user1480946351 · 27/12/2016 18:29

Your kids are just as nasty as you then, OP. Goodwill to all fucking men, wha?

Salmotrutta · 27/12/2016 18:31

Well don't you sound lovely OP. Hmm

The sister may have been treated for the brain tumour but maybe something else is going on with her medically.

Original poster
Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 18:32

Thanks for the replies - agreeing and disagreeing with me. I think it's made me think about it more clearly. Yes there is a back story of the husband being abusive to FIL but we've always felt so sorry for this lady because I was worried she had to it up with an abusive husband too. She has always spoken like she has had a stroke and spoken so slowly and like she had difficulty hearing. She was speaking like that today then switched to a normal voice today I have never heard before (when she got really going). I was on the other end of the phone open mouthed.
Yes the 140 mile trip was a round trip so FIL could see relatives.
My father died recently and when I explained that's why it's all been a bit hectic recently she said 'So - you are the one being rude'. I thought they would welcome her nephew and brother coming round.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 27/12/2016 18:34

So why don't your children like seeing her, and how often have they?

TinselTwins · 27/12/2016 18:34

people can re-learn things after brain injuries OP, it says more about you than her that the conclusion you jump to is that she was shaking her speach problems previously rather than the obvious: her voice has rehabilitated a bit!

It is not appropriate to be vague and "messy" with times when visiting someone with severe illness and their carer. They may have care and health routines that they need to work around, there may be a very good reason why they couldn't see them later and didn't want to be messed about in the future.