Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never speak to these relatives again

59 replies

Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 17:58

FIL has lots of brothers and sisters. One sister had a brain tumour and her face droops on one side and she has trouble walking as one side is weak. Her husband cares for her but is a bitter sarcastic man. She can't speak very well. My husband did a 140 mile round trip with his Dad meeting relatives today. When he phoned to say he was on his way to these two he said not to bother - they were expecting them hours ago had been sitting there worried all day and they that she goes to bed at 4pm. No mention of 'are you ok then!?' When they left to take FIL home, I phoned back. The sister miraculously could speak better than she has done for years and repeated how rude we were and no she didn't want to see them today (last saw them about 2 years ago). FIL said they would call in in the afternoon and they took that as noon! I have had a terrible year with bereavements and said it would be nice for her to see her nephew - I told her that and she dismissed me. We have always been so nice sending her pics of the kids and she has always sent flowery cards saying 'thinking of you' . It was like speaking to a different person. FIL has said she has been like this before occasionally. I am so annoyed for him and my husband and me. Sorry just had to vent but Aibu to never see/speak to them again?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 18:38

The kids cheered because the husband is really horrid and has been horrible to their dad and grandad in front of them. We have put up with him because we all felt sorry for her (and have made excuses that he was horrid because of how frustrated he must be looking after her).

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 27/12/2016 18:43

So you haven't had a problem with her before, but her husband?

I cannot understand why you have escalated this to never seeing her again, including telling your kids already, over ONE difficult day.

When you supposedly care about her?
And she has an illness that is known for making people behave oddly sometimes?
And you're supposedly worried she's in an abusive relationship?
And when your FIL may actually have partially at fault - even if without malicious intention - in the misunderstanding about timing?

I can't understand why this has become a big drama with you calling her when you weren't initially involved and your kids getting dragged in too Confused

Ellisandra · 27/12/2016 18:46

And re-reading, it was her (abusive?) husband who initially said no they couldn't come.

Is it a possibility that he'd spent the afternoon winding his wife up that her relatives don't care? (easy to do if her brother hasn't seen her in 2 years despite living within easy daily driving distance)

It just seems like a very big reaction from you - and as if (like the kids) - you were happy to ditch her. And perhaps have jumped on this reason?

BlueFolly · 27/12/2016 18:47

Seems a massive over reaction on your part.

Cel982 · 27/12/2016 18:47

You seem unreasonably worked up and angry about something pretty minor which doesn't even involve you directly.

An elderly couple misunderstood what time to expect their guests, became worried when they didn't arrive, and then took that worry out on the said guests, when they did finally hear from them, by being a bit rude. That's not a particularly uncommon or noteworthy scenario, is it? People do tend to worry about that sort of thing, especially as they get older, and often react badly when they realise nothing terrible has happened. Your over-the-top reaction is baffling, and bringing your kids into it while you're clearly in a temper is very silly.

Original poster
Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 18:48

FIL is vunerable and lives on his own. They phone him up for an hour a day and he is often in tears at the end of it (I have been told by neghbours who have visited). I am going to have to investigate further. He has said in the past she has been horrid to him too but we've all made excuses for her. The good thing that has come from this is that I spoke to FIL and said I was sorry I hadn't realised how horrid she could be. He sounded relieved.

OP posts:
JessicaEccles · 27/12/2016 18:49

Great, so she's elderly ill and in a potentially abusive relationship - and yr solution is to drop her because she is grumpy and misunderstands the time you were visiting
Families . only there for your best behaviour. Let's hope your kids don't cheer when they leave u in the nursing home

Original poster
Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 18:57

Yes does sound like an over- reaction from me but it looks like she's been putting on a fake voice and been abusive to her brother (my FIL). And it's only just dawned on me which has caused my reaction.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 27/12/2016 19:04

The more your saying the more there sounds to it than a single incident of her being grumpy to you.

It sounds like this has opened your eyes to a way of being that you've not seen before and as such didn't thunk too much into when fil has said they have upset him?

I can't comment really as it sounds more complicated than this thread really shows.

Original poster
Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 19:06

Actually my loyalty is with my FIL who is vunerable and thought 'he was losing it' when he is a kind sweet old man who has to listen to his BIL and sister moan on for an hour a day and make him feel miserable.
I am sorry she is old and is weak on one side but that doesn't give her the right to be horrid.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/12/2016 19:09

Actually my loyalty is with my FIL who is vunerable

You realise the people you are moaning about are vulnerable also.

I am sorry she is old and is weak on one side but that doesn't give her the right to be horrid.

Doesn't give you the right to say the things you have either.

Ellisandra · 27/12/2016 19:10

So why didn't you believe your FIL before when he said she was like this?

Original poster
Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 19:10

Ginkypig yes you are right. It has opened my eyes and things are falling into place. I am frustrated because I have only just realised what's going on.

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 27/12/2016 19:11

Op, you really shouldn't drip feed, it means you will get slated because people are just going by the tiny details you're feeding.

ZoniSouslaLune · 27/12/2016 19:15

I would say let your FIL know he doesn't have to stay on the phone with them for an hour each day. Sounds like he is glad of your support. Maybe talk with him in more depth about it all, and come to some conclusions about how to maintain kindly contact without subjecting him to their bitter attitude?

People who are unwell can be far more grumpy than they may mean to. It still isn't right. Perhaps your FIL needs to step back.

Original poster
Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 19:19

FIL is depressed and so I know his judgement can be skewed sometimes. My father was depressed and killed himself several months ago. So I am not feeling that great and she knows this.
Yes she is vunerable and no doubt lives with a horrid husband. However to suddenly regain her speech after over 15years was a bit 🤔 and to say the things she did (I won't go into them but they made me cry and I am not repeating them) was vile. I don't even know her that well so it's no great loss but I can't get over the change in her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 19:23

Thanks everyone. You're right I shouldn't dripfeed. I realise that. There is such a huge back story I could write a book. What it has meant is that I have assessed the situation and realised I can't get too upset about her. I hardly know her and what I should concentrate on is FIL. I will keep a closer ear out for what she is saying to him.

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 27/12/2016 19:31

It sounds as if for years you have pitied this woman relying on a horrible husband....when maybe all along she was just as vile as him. I'd just take a step back for a while and let yourself calm down, you are no doubt feeling rather raw and sensitive at this time of year after the awful time you've had. Look after those closest to you and be kind to yourself Flowers

zeezeek · 27/12/2016 19:32

Support your FIL and stay away from these toxic people.

Original poster
Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 19:34

Wise words Justspeaksense! That's exactly how I feel and what I should do x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 19:34

Thanks zeezeek

OP posts:
TweedleDee3TweedleDum · 27/12/2016 19:37

Whilst I appreciate how annoying this may have been for you, I do think going no contact is extreme. Perhaps write them a letter explaining what happened?

I don't feel you owe them anything, but do think no contact is not what will resolve this for you.

LavenderDoll · 27/12/2016 19:47

I'm sorry back story or not you sound vile the way you speak about this woman.

Araminta99 · 27/12/2016 19:53

You seem very mean. Give her a break.

threestars · 27/12/2016 20:00

I have a close relative with brain damage. She can be very abrupt, forthright and impatient - nothing like how she was before, so definitely a result of the damage.

She is paralysed on one side so lives in a nursing home, but her husband collects her every day to take her back to their house for a few hours. Although this does not appear stressful, the daily expectation on him, along with her change in personality, puts a great strain on him and he has slipped into depression, but is absolutely devoted to her due to their shared past.

A couple of her friends have been very supportive to them both, but most others refuse to visit her in the home and criticise the husband for his 'attitude'. The husband receives many cards from her friends giving her their updates even though they live just around the corner and could just as easily visit. If your relatives have had 15 years of this, their outlook on friends and relatives could well have been skewed.

Your FIL should probably have been more precise with time. Their reaction is a result of disappointment - they had probably looked forward to seeing you all and when it became apparent it would be too late, they would have despaired - and your reaction is a result of not understanding the devastation that brain damage causes. It turns lives upside down and violently shakes them. If you had turned up at a time when she was capable of receiving visitors it could easily have been a completely different experience. But it's one of those things. If you had enough invested in the relationship you could turn it around, but if you don't know them it's probably too much of a responsibility.