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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To never speak to these relatives again

59 replies

Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 17:58

FIL has lots of brothers and sisters. One sister had a brain tumour and her face droops on one side and she has trouble walking as one side is weak. Her husband cares for her but is a bitter sarcastic man. She can't speak very well. My husband did a 140 mile round trip with his Dad meeting relatives today. When he phoned to say he was on his way to these two he said not to bother - they were expecting them hours ago had been sitting there worried all day and they that she goes to bed at 4pm. No mention of 'are you ok then!?' When they left to take FIL home, I phoned back. The sister miraculously could speak better than she has done for years and repeated how rude we were and no she didn't want to see them today (last saw them about 2 years ago). FIL said they would call in in the afternoon and they took that as noon! I have had a terrible year with bereavements and said it would be nice for her to see her nephew - I told her that and she dismissed me. We have always been so nice sending her pics of the kids and she has always sent flowery cards saying 'thinking of you' . It was like speaking to a different person. FIL has said she has been like this before occasionally. I am so annoyed for him and my husband and me. Sorry just had to vent but Aibu to never see/speak to them again?

OP posts:
Blossomdeary · 27/12/2016 20:04

Oh don't drag the children into this, unless you are going to use it as an opportunity to help them understand how illness can affect people and how we have to be understanding and patient. What a terrible life lesson for them to see you getting annoyed.

TinselTwins · 27/12/2016 20:10

The more you post the more horrible you sound

Aquired brain injury speech problems can be very variable, her speech not being consistantly as YOU expect it to be doesn't mean she's been faking her brain injuries for 15 years! Heightened emotions on a damaged brain can make speech abilities more unpredictable than usual.

Kleinzeit · 27/12/2016 20:21

She has (or had) a brain tumour - that can make people act unpredictably and people don't just go back to normal afterwards. If there has been a sudden recent change might that mean a recurrence? As for her husband, he probably has a whole bunch of issues too. So don't take any of it personally. But whether he is abusive or not, whether he is horrid because of the caring or not, he is still the one who is doing the caring. A visit from her brother and nephew might be a way to check that she is being properly cared for and an opportunity to see if there's a need for outside intervention. There's no need to see this in terms of goodies and baddies. Your FIL is vulnerable but both his sister and BIL sound like highly vulnerable people too.

Also it's a bit odd that you were telling her how to feel. Why would it be so nice for her to see her nephew? Who would it be nice for? It doesn't sound as if it would be especially nice for him, and if she is ashamed or embarrassed or the routine she depends is disrupted then it wouldn't feel very nice for her either. It may be a very good thing for them to come and visit but why would you insist that she agrees it is "nice"?

Really it sounds as if you are expecting "normal" social responses from people who just aren't capable of them. I understand that they may have upset your children but jeering at them with your children is not a solution. It wont help your FIL, who cares about them, or your DH, who presumably cares about all of them too.

Hillbilly71 · 27/12/2016 20:21

Hi This will be my last post as I have already come to my conclusion. I didn't what to tell the whole back story re my own Dad (a few posts back) but what she said to me made me cry. I will believe it is her brain injury that made her say those things. Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
ZoniSouslaLune · 28/12/2016 05:20

I'm sorry to hear about your DF.

ScruffbagsRUs · 28/12/2016 07:14

Was your FIL's sister always like this or has this started since she had the brain tumour. I think there lies your answer. If it was before the tumour, it seems that she may well be a vile woman anyway, but if it has been since the tumour, then that's a different kettle of fish altogether.

It's fine understanding the possible causes of a personality change, and it certainly goes some way to understanding why the person acts the way they do, but that doesn't mean that the horrid behaviour is any less horrid to anyone on the receiving end, just that there is a reason behind it.

No-one should be expected to put up with any sort of nasty words or actions, regardless of the cause. OP, by all means call your AIL out on her not-so-great behaviour, otherwise she's not going to learn what is acceptable to others. Even after a brain tumour, people can learn and re-learn things, so it may not be beyond her to understand that you will not accept her acting in a vile manner to yourself, FIL, your DH, your DC or anyone else. TBH, I'm not sure what you should do about her husband. Maybe do the same for him so he realises that you won't accept his behaviour regardless of the root cause.

So sorry to hear about your dad. I can understand how raw you must be from his death and the circumstances surrounding it. Just be kind to yourself for a while, it sounds as if you have enough to deal with ATM, without other folk adding to it.

Take care and all the best SmileFlowers

Kennington · 28/12/2016 07:31

She may have long term issues as the result of the removal of the tumour. I heard it can affect personality.
I personally wouldn't involve the kids.
No one is perfect. Kids need to understand not everyone is jolly and beautiful and will have the same opinions as you. Getting old can be miserable for many people so maybe a little slack needs to be given.
Vile is a rather strong word and unless she has been accusing you of terrible things it probably is a bit strong.

MagicChicken · 28/12/2016 08:08

She is now weak on one side but has always had a croaky shaky voice which is difficult to understand but it was perfectly able to understand today - I think she's been putting on the pitiful voice for years

well to be fair, you don't spend much time with her (no reason why you should particularly, she's just your DH's aunt) and it seems like most of your contact is not spoken anyway, so it's quite possible that as time has gone on, her ability to speak has Improved hugely and you've just never noticed before now.

Regardless of who is or isn't being unreasonable here, I think it's pretty revolting of you to think that just because of this one argument you can accuse her of 'putting it on' for sympathy and attention all these years. Shock

debbs77 · 28/12/2016 09:28

I hate it when people don't give you a specific time. You then have to wait around all day as you don't know when they will get there! Couldn't they have given a time to arrive? Then this could've been avoided

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