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Original poster

To think DB shouldn't have to fund his cheating wife?

172 replies

ButterBeanSoup · 27/12/2016 14:12

My DB is in a bit of a tricky situation. He will get legal advice, of course, but posting for opinions.

He has been with his partner for 20 years (married 11). They have 4 children 19,17, 15 and 13. Partner has not worked for 15 years. He tells me that the arrangement was always for her to go back to work once the youngest was at school, but this did not happen. He has had to work two jobs to support the family, and they accrued debt over this period, which he has only recently managed to clear.

Last April, he found out that his wife was having an affair. She is refusing mediation, and saying that she will only communicate via solicitors.

They are both still living in the family home. She refuses to move out, or to get a job to contribute financially. He wants to sell the home and cut ties with her (but not the children, obviously).

He knows he can apply to the court to force the sale, however, we also know it is possible the court will delay until the youngest is 18.

The question is, if the court delay the sale, does this mean that he has to pay for her to live in the house for free for another 6 years, whilst she continues to cheat on him?!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2016 19:23

longdiling your advice to the OP, about staying calm, is really helpful.

Newbrummie · 27/12/2016 19:25

Depends if he wants his kids to have s home or not doesn't it?
I not only had to pay the mortgage I had to pay somebody else to live in it ie rent it out and then pay the difference between rent yielded and the mortgage for three years whilst it was all sorted. You just have to find away or lose everything

Newbrummie · 27/12/2016 19:26

Exactly LIZS sisters, mothers etc like their nose in and forget that basic fact

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/12/2016 19:29

Newbrummie
He will have to move out and pay the mortgage until the house is sold or youngest goes to uni which ever comes first

Why should he move out? he is under no obligation to do so.

TwoGunslingers · 27/12/2016 19:29

If he can't afford a mortgage he shouldn't have bought a house 🏡 or does no one read the giant print that says you have to pay even if your circumstances change. But if people think he should trash his credit rating and let his home be repossessed just to score a point then off you go Grin

KurriKurri · 27/12/2016 19:30

Italiangreyhound- it was difficult situation all round. XH and I both agreed to sell the house, and I had a clause put in the agreement that any offers over a certain amount had to be accepted (this was because I correctly thought he would be as obstructive as possible over selling it).
The house took a long time to sell and during that time, he broke up with his original girlfriend and, I took up the offer from a friend to live with her in America for six months while my divorce went through.

When I returned we agreed to live in the house as house mates. My adult DD also lived with me as she was unwilling to leave me alone with him (his behaviour was rather erratic).

Moving on - we led separate lives within the same house - he had a separate room which he staying in, he kept away from the living room and used the kitchen separately. We managed to keep things reasonably civil.

In May last year he got a new girlfriend who had her own flat so he spent most of his time living with her - occasionally coming back to the house for a couple of days.
In October we completed a sale on the house. We had a clean break divorce, and I took a greater percentage of the house sale in lieu of consessions elsewhere in our assets. This enabled me (together with a lump sum from my pension which I was able to access when I reached 55) to buy a small terraced house in another town.

So I now have my own place and am rid of him. I believe he shares a flat with his GF - but I have no details as we have virtually no contact now.

So in total it was 3 yrs from his adultery to me finally getting away from him. The divorce took about 18mnths to go through (as he was obstructive). It can be a very long and emotionally exhausting haul. I really only kept my sanity because I had the opportunity to get away abroad for a longish period.

Tricky points were him wanting me to pay half of huge gambling debts he had run up unknown to me (nigh on £25K) I fought that and won.
He wanted half of a small inheritance my father left me which I got two weeks before XH left (I fought that and also won)
He also had to pay costs.

I am considerably less well off in terms of income than I was, (I am no longer able to work full time for health reasons so I work PT and get a small income from my pension)
XH has a very good income and is financially much better off than me. But I own a house - which was very important to me to feel safe.

KurriKurri · 27/12/2016 19:31

gosh that was an essay - sorry !

Newbrummie · 27/12/2016 19:33

BoneyBackJefferson - as she's the primary care giver the kids will be with her, leaves him little choice unless he plans to torture them all, which my ex did for 9 months. Didn't end well though

Philoslothy · 27/12/2016 19:37

I don't need to work and I don't want to.

So? Most people don't want to work, but that doesn't stop them from having jobs. People generally realise that they can't have everything they want and shouldn't allow their partner's to completely fund their lifestyle.

I do have just about everything I want tbh. I have income streams that don't require me to work and I can earn money from my hobbies. My husband does fund my lifestyle but not completely - to be honest I don't think he would care if he was.

he did ask me to get a job. It was one of the worst periods of our marriage

Wow.

I was a first time Mum who had to return to work within weeks of giving birth, a job that required foreign travel and long hours. I am not a natural mother by any measure and so I struggled. Our son also had undiagnosed special needs. At the time I resented my husband who could not afford for me to stay at home as he was supporting his first family - his first wife was a SAHP with what looked like a fairly idyllic existence.

With hindsight I can see that I was in the wrong and I should have waited longer to have children- DH did say that I would need to return to work but I thought I was one of those superwomen who could do it all.

Philoslothy · 27/12/2016 19:39

Children are a forever bond. There will be graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren, many future events where they need to behave like civil adults for the DC's sakes. Opening lines of civil communiction will speed up the mess of divorce, save both of them a fortune but most importantly save the DC's remaining childhoods.

I totally agree and this should be the guiding principle for both parents when making decisions about the house

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/12/2016 19:41

Newbrummie

I suspect that there will be issues, but he still doesn't have to move out.

As for he should do it for the kids, she should have thought of that before she cheated.

Newbrummie · 27/12/2016 19:43

But they don't do they, my ex called his mother to babysit for him whilst he took a girl to a hotel room and ducked her on my birthday whilst I was at work. The house and a secure roof over their heads was the bloody least he could do but they don't think of it like that

Newbrummie · 27/12/2016 19:45

Trouble is once sisters and brothers and grandparents and new girlfriends boyfriends solicitors all stick their oar in .. And Mumsnet what gets lost sight of is that nobody wants the kids away from their primary carer or their home really and that should be the sole focus. Everything else is just custard

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/12/2016 20:26

If he can't afford a mortgage he shouldn't have bought a house 🏡 or does no one read the giant print that says you have to pay even if your circumstances change. But if people think he should trash his credit rating and let his home be repossessed just to score a point then off you go

When he bought the house he was paying for the one. I don't suppose he thought his wife would be off shagging someone else.

Once his wife decided to shag someone else then things change.

Nothing to do with point scoring. No reason ex can't get a job. She made her bed so she can lie on it. Or is it him that has to make all the sacrifices through no fault of his own.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2016 22:34

Flowncing I was thinking of that too- future graduations, weddings and grandkids. Really important to start politely and sociablely.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2016 22:36

Kurri good that you managed to get away.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/12/2016 22:39

Newbrummie

You do know that its the wife that cheated?
And using your example she should be the one that goes as:-

The house and a secure roof over their heads was the bloody least she could do but they don't think of it like that (amended)

happychristmasbum · 27/12/2016 22:42

I think people need to separate what is morally right and what is legally correct.

UK family law makes no distinction other than in very extreme cases when making financial decisions about division of family assets.

In the case described here, the brother may well end up paying spousal as well as child maintenance. Depending on where they are, it is entirely possible that the wife will stay in the fmh, and the OPs brother will have to rent. Or maybe the wife will move in with her new DP and the property will be sold?

The needs of the children are paramount, and all this stuff about "db shouldn't have to fund his cheating wife" is a moot point really.

I am sure we all understand how feelings run high, but it is what it is.

Newbrummie · 27/12/2016 22:43

A) she doesn't work so she's not able to put a roof over anyone's head
B) she's been the primary carer since birth so I'd say the kids will want that to continue and how is he going to work and manage childcare ?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/12/2016 22:44

A) she doesn't work so she's not able to put a roof over anyone's head

No reason why she can't work and put a roof over their head

Newbrummie · 27/12/2016 22:45

After 15 years out of the work force ? Unless the mortgage is buttons she's got a long road a head of her

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/12/2016 22:46

In the case described here, the brother may well end up paying spousal as well as child maintenance.

Spousal maintenance is highly unlikely as DBro is not a high earner.

Newbrummie · 27/12/2016 22:48

I disagree the Maintence may not be much but she will get it. Even if it's only a hundred pounds a year once she has it she can apply for it to be increased if say she became too sick to work or disabled

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/12/2016 22:50

I disagree the Maintence may not be much but she will get it. Even if it's only a hundred pounds a year once she has it she can apply for it to be increased if say she became too sick to work or disabled

Hardly live on £100 a year can she (actually could be £1 a year).

She will have to work!

HTH

Queenie04 · 27/12/2016 22:50

I think they need to separate the issues. 1. Divorce 2. Separation of assets 3. Infidelity 4. The children. They need to be careful not to mix the above issues. If she had not cheated and they were deprecating what would be fair to both? Plan was for her to return to work after youngest it did not happen. This must have been a decision decided by both. You cannot discount her years of parenting, contributing to the running of family and home because she has now cheated. I know it is hard however if the above are mixed the separation will be even more painful

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