To think DB shouldn't have to fund his cheating wife?

[ButterBeanSoup]

My DB is in a bit of a tricky situation. He will get legal advice, of course, but posting for opinions.

He has been with his partner for 20 years (married 11). They have 4 children 19,17, 15 and 13. Partner has not worked for 15 years. He tells me that the arrangement was always for her to go back to work once the youngest was at school, but this did not happen. He has had to work two jobs to support the family, and they accrued debt over this period, which he has only recently managed to clear.

Last April, he found out that his wife was having an affair. She is refusing mediation, and saying that she will only communicate via solicitors.

They are both still living in the family home. She refuses to move out, or to get a job to contribute financially. He wants to sell the home and cut ties with her (but not the children, obviously).

He knows he can apply to the court to force the sale, however, we also know it is possible the court will delay until the youngest is 18.

The question is, if the court delay the sale, does this mean that he has to pay for her to live in the house for free for another 6 years, whilst she continues to cheat on him?!

Also I love it when people who haven't been though/supported a loved one through an acrimonious divorce throw in their tuppence worth - they say things like "fair", "reasonable" and "equitable" - HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA excuse me whilst I go re-sew my sides.

My brother went through similar but voluntarily moved out as she was the primary carer and it would be the least disruptive for the kids. Sorting out finances and the home has been a long and complicated process and 6 years on they still haven't settled the house but it looks like she may buy my brother out. Nobody on here can really give you sound legal advice, he needs a solicitor for that.

I would advise you to try and keep your brother calm and not ramp up the moral indignation though. Speaking honestly, I hate my ex sil for what she did. She broke my brother's heart. I have never seen him so distressed and never ever want to see him like that again. BUT spouting off about what a giant bitch I think she is wouldn't have helped my brother. What helped was supporting him in staying calm and reasonable and playing the long game to ensure the best possible outcomes for everyone - especially the kids.

Your sil will not be punished via the divorce/settlement for her affair. It doesn't work like that so railing about how unfair it is to your brother won't get him anywhere.

While I sympathise with your brother and don't think he should have to financially support her forever, as others have pointed out if she's kept the house and done the majority of the childcare for four kids she's probably been working pretty hard and enabled your DB to further his career. In six years time he'll be in the better position with a career which he can support himself with. If she hasn't worked in 15 years she'll have little chance for a decent career and will be fairly stuck.

Halo

Thats just it though - unless ive missed it we dont know the figures so it could be that when she is awarded child support/spousal maintenance that may be enough to cover the mortgage.

Well while she hasn't been working she has been looking after the children, doing all the school runs, homework, going to assemblies, school holiday childcare, probably the majority of the house stuff too. And she's sacrificed any potential career for this. The court will have regard to that, and to the fact that, as she is the children's main carer, they are better off staying with her and in the family home, and she may need financial assistance to do this, when it comes to splitting the assets. They will not take into account the reason for the split which is totally irrelevant from the perspective of what's best for the children.

He'll have to provide for them until they are 18 at least. If the court delay the house sale for another 5 years, he'll get his share of the house sale at the value the house has reached in 5 years time, rather than today's value. So for example, if they sell it now, he might get 50% of £300,000. But selling it in 5 years he'd get 50% of, say £350 or £400,000. During that time, he wouldn't necessarily have to pay into the house, and if the wife does something like an extension, that will increase the value even more but he'll still get his share of the value of the house at sale time. So he might be a lot better off waiting, not to mention the fact that he has to provide a home for the children (well, the court probably will, whether he likes it or not).

I think you're obviously hoping for him to be better off financially out of the divorce because the wife has cheated, and he's your brother, but that isn't the way it works, and if you can get past the anger/resentment, it probably is for the best because the priority in these situations has to be the children, not any kind of revenge for infidelity etc. I'm sure the court will be fair, but they will take into account all the circumstances and financial needs of all parties, not the behavioural wrongdoings though.

Also all the "SAHM isn't not working it's more like 2 full time jobs" comments - the wife agreed to get a job when the kids went to school and then refused! If a man did that there would be no supportive comments. Id be inclined to say that the DB should get a doc note and leave his 2nd job due to stress. The less that she can demonstrate he is able to make the better for him IMV.

I'd like to hear her side of the tale.

Looking forward to you saying that next time a female poster says their DH has cheated.

Contrary to common MN belief women have affairs and behave badly just like men do.

Yeah, from all of us whose exes quit their jobs or worked less hours so they can pay less child maintenance, thanks for that charming suggestion. [hmmm]

even.

Your DB needs to get local legal advice as there can be big variations regionally in outcomes due to local housing prices vs incomes etc.

It is entirely possible he will have to leave the house and rent until youngest reaches 18 or finished full time education. The needs of the children trump everything and legally, his wife can have been cheating on him with every man she comes across, it will make no difference to the financial outcome.

From what you have said, he will have to pay at least 20% of his net income to the wife, but it could be more if she is eligible for spousal maintenance.

I think you would be best off giving him emotional support, and the sooner he speaks to a solicitor with experience of outcomes locally, the better.

I'd be more interested in hearing the DHs story directly rather than through a third party that is not directly involved.

She just came on here for "opinions" to trash her brother's partner and the mother of her nieces/nephews. Classy.

Right so you'd say the same about those 'trashing' the men who have affairs, after all they are the DC father no thought not

I'm a bit at loss as to why he would pay for two mortgages.

It is really nice that he wants to maintain the standard of living of his children and provide for them.
However, they are not babies at all and nothing is stopping him to say he is happy to be the RP (at that age, they will have a say into it anyway).
Or they can have the dcs 50/50 and have both their own house.
That would mean of course that his (ex)dw will have to find a way to provide for herself.

There are many people who end up having to sell the house because they can't afford two mortgages.
Him paying is only true if he can also pay for his own house, one where all the dcs will be able to come over (or stay 50% of the time or even stay all the time).
I'd with their income, this is not possible, they will have to sell.

At least, they don't have any debts any more...

Yes, all he HAS to pay is child maintenance.

This isn't true. Spousal maintenance is still asked for (and paid) in some cases.

and as a pp stated -

Whatever anyone has or hasn't done (infidelity etc) isn't at all relevant on the whole.

I thought that spousal maintenance was VERY rare nowdays?

And I assume the ex would have to prove that she stopped working to support HIM in his work etc...
I'm struggling to see how she could prove that when he had to work two jobs to pay off debts etc...

I disagree re being the main career.
These children aren't little anymore and will have a say as to wher by want to live.
They might well not want to stay with their mum when they will learn she has cheated or at least is the one at the source of the split.

While I sympathise with your brother and don't think he should have to financially support her forever, as others have pointed out if she's kept the house and done the majority of the childcare for four kids she's probably been working pretty hard and enabled your DB to further his career.

I guess it was a joint decision for your DB's wife to become a SAHM. Looking after 4 DC is hard work and I guess it helped your DB to advance his career.

Whilst I agree that she should be seeking work, I can also understand that it might be ratehr difficult after such a long time out if the work force (and presumably this was a joint decision with your DB).

I totally agree with ArcheryAnnie

I'm a bit shocked at people who consider being a SAHM to a family of six, with a husband who is working two jobs, so never there, as being unemployed. Just the washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping would be exhausting for a lazy person like myself.

And there is no mention of this woman having been a serial cheater. It is wrong to cheat, undoubtedly, but the whole set up, with her husband away so long was a disaster waiting to happen.

I don't think the children should be asked who they want to live with either, because that is like asking them to take sides. If they express a preference that, of course, is another thing.

But the important people in this situation are your nephews and neices, OP, not the parents. I think making them go through the sale of their home on top of their parents divorce would significantly increase the trauma.

I would say exactly that, Piglet, that's what many of the the posters coming on to post about their husband's affairs are also looking for. They are venting their spleens.

Some also need and ask for legal advice or to be directed to it.

BTW the legal requirement to "fund a cheating wife" (or theoretically husband) is one of many reasons I will never marry again.

I don't think the children should be asked who they want to live with either, because that is like asking them to take sides. If they express a preference that, of course, is another thing.

Of course they should be asked both morally and legally.

I thought that spousal maintenance was VERY rare nowdays?

It's rare but not unheard of, and even if not a continuing obligation, it can be factored into the value of a clean break settlement.

I don't think the OP wants his brother to be better off financially because she was the one to cheat.
What she wants is to be sure her dbro isn't word off as in forced to live with his cheating ex or unable to have a morgage because he has to pay for HER (even though I'm pretty sure that if he was, he would then be entitled to a bigger part of the house once they sell it in 6 years time).

The system will want to ensure that both him and the ex can have a home where all the dcs can come over. That means a house big enough for him too, not a bedsit whilst she has the big house for herself.

Why is that?
This is not a situation where the ex HAD to stop working to enable her DH to work (let's say they decide to move overseas).
She made a choice, one that was maybe right for the dcs but one that her DH wasn't happy with. One that forced him to work TWO jobs when she could have worked herself and done shifts (one parent working, one at home).

So why should the husband now be penalised?

The cheating is irrelevant.

Unfortunately divorce does not favour the man.
I split pretty much 50/50 with exh as I just wanted shot of the twat and didn't want to be dragged through court or battle with him.

DPs ex on the other hand gave up her well paid career and did not return to work
Both children are now in school and she wants spousal maintenance which I think is an utter joke
I'm a single parent to 3 children, working, I don't understand the need to be at home just because you have kids
If you can work then you should