To think DB shouldn't have to fund his cheating wife?

[ButterBeanSoup]

My DB is in a bit of a tricky situation. He will get legal advice, of course, but posting for opinions.

He has been with his partner for 20 years (married 11). They have 4 children 19,17, 15 and 13. Partner has not worked for 15 years. He tells me that the arrangement was always for her to go back to work once the youngest was at school, but this did not happen. He has had to work two jobs to support the family, and they accrued debt over this period, which he has only recently managed to clear.

Last April, he found out that his wife was having an affair. She is refusing mediation, and saying that she will only communicate via solicitors.

They are both still living in the family home. She refuses to move out, or to get a job to contribute financially. He wants to sell the home and cut ties with her (but not the children, obviously).

He knows he can apply to the court to force the sale, however, we also know it is possible the court will delay until the youngest is 18.

The question is, if the court delay the sale, does this mean that he has to pay for her to live in the house for free for another 6 years, whilst she continues to cheat on him?!

My husband was living in a bed sit and in our early years I supported him so that he could keep the promise he and his wife made.

So you helped fund it I take it.

In the case he is having to do 2 jobs to support one household. I can't see how he can support two.

If the SIL wants to stay in the house the court in the majority of cases would want to know how she is going to fund it. He isn't a high earner. It shouldn't fall on his shoulders alone and wouldn't be expected to

He will have to move out and pay the mortgage until the house is sold or youngest goes to uni which ever comes first

Not necessarily he won't! Stating it as fact is complete rubbish.

Well how exactly else do you envisage this panning out then Piglet ?

Nothing to do with the cheating but I don't think it is a bigger foregone conclusion that she has fewer rights generally because she hasn't had a paid job. She had four kids.

Well like many consent orders end up either the SIL needs to get a job so she can pay the bills or the house gets sold separately and downsized to a property that she can afford.

Honestly OP, you should keep your nose out of this.

I get damn tired of seeing working mums who get sick of their partners being a SAHD get told to make the cocklodger get a job

I haved only seen this where the SAHD is not pulling his weight with the housework

This sounds really shit for your brother. So sorry.

In his shoes I would push for mediation and stay put.

I'd be pleasant to ex (no slanging matches in front of kids) and maintain 'normal' for kids while working this out.

I'd also tell 'not so dear wife' that one of us would be in a different bedroom.

Ideally, she would take the spare room; although if she had been cheating in their 'marital bed' he may prefer not to keep the main bedroom.

If there is no spare room I'd convert lounge it dinner to a lounge/dinner and have bedroom downstairs or two same sex kids would need to share.

She is probably expecting anger euc so I would be kind and polite, far more annoying!

Also, I get damn tired of seeing working mums who get sick of their partners being a SAHD get told to make the cocklodger get a job but if it's reversed the SAHM is advised to present her husband with a bill for her nannying duties????

Are you calling me a cunt cohabiter?

Hat depends philoslothy - has your partner expressed a wish to no longer be the sole earner or had to take on the kind of hours that means he/she no longer gets to spend any quality time with your children, in order to fund you remaining at home?

If so, yes, you probably are.

*That

I have been called some names in my time but that is a first!

So... your partner HAS asked you to get a job and shoulder some of the burden? And you've refused? Why is that?

My husband would never ask me to get a job. I have worked for a long time. There was a time when I was the main wage earner.

I don't need to work and I don't want to. He likes working and genuinely has talents whereas I am rather mediocre in comparison when it comes to working.

Actually that is not true, when we had ds1 I wanted to stat at home and DH could not afford for me to do so and so in a manner he did ask me to get a job. It was one of the worst periods of our marriage . However once we could financially afford for us to bury reduce our hours and for me to stop work altogether we did so

Well then my comment didn't apply to you, did it. So please drop the faux outrage.

So exactly what I said then either the house is sold .... Or the consent order may well give her enough spousal support to pay the mortgage with but either way it's his name on the mortgage unless he wants years of hard work down the drain and the house repossessed and nobody gets anything, which is many ex's prefered option

In the case of spousal maintenance, if she does get it, unless she is unable to work it will be on a sliding scale over several years to enable her to get back in to work.

Unless she has serious health problems that would prevent her from working, From a friends experience the 8 -p 9 years of not working although able to was taken in to account.

But I am not a legal person and he needs real official legal advice.

Also interesting to see that the advice to clear out the bank account, get all relevant paperwork safe is not being given.

Kuri I am sorry for your experiences, your post at 13:02 is excellent and very helpful.

Can I ask how you eventually got your ex out of the home or how it was eventually sold? Or are you still there?

either way it's his name on the mortgage unless he wants years of hard work down the drain and the house repossessed and nobody gets anything, which is many ex's prefered

Consent orders often include indemnity for the ex who isn't living there.

Unless as repeatedly said he is a high earner which he isn't he can't afford to pay for two places!

There is no reason why she can't work.

There are many legal nuances and a messy divorce runs to 10's of thousands even a hundred thousand pounds. Savvy solicitors will wait until the house is sold to take the major share of the equity so it almost feels like its not costing anyone anything. One pot of assets just doesn't divide in to two pots well. Then whilst everyone licks their deep wounds they realise the pot so hardly fought over, is gone.

A messy divorce eats years out of your life - even more out of the childrens. The 13 yo could easily be sitting GCSE's before this is all sorted.

There are no winners.

Bitterness aside, your DB needs to take stock of where he is in life and assess his priorities. I would suggest that his DC need to be top of that list. Quickly followed by a legally checked financial seperation, from her not DC. Thats not a settlement its a declaration that they are financially not a couple, limit his lia ility for her debt etc.

So pay bills and mortgage, direct child related costs but carefully consider what money is available beyond that. She needs to wake up to reality and take personal financial responsibility too. She will be entitled to some benefits - although the level will be a wakeup call. Remember three DC claims for tax credits after April 2017 only first 2 DC will count.

Could a second same sized home be rented for 5 years (maybe by a partial equity release from current home) then the remaining asset sold or other party bought out when youngest DC is 18?

If your DB can start brainstorming and getting two or three plausible ways forward together he can put them across. He needs to keep being civil, no matter whats thrown at him. Email is a good way of keeping things in writting and keeping record that he's been trying to mediate evore formal mediation commences.

Children are a forever bond. There will be graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren, many future events where they need to behave like civil adults for the DC's sakes. Opening lines of civil communiction will speed up the mess of divorce, save both of them a fortune but most importantly save the DC's remaining childhoods.

Philoslothy

I don't need to work and I don't want to.

So? Most people don't want to work, but that doesn't stop them from having jobs. People generally realise that they can't have everything they want and shouldn't allow their partner's to completely fund their lifestyle.

he did ask me to get a job. It was one of the worst periods of our marriage

Wow.

He can't just stop paying the mortgage because if she's never worked the mortgage will be in his name and his credit rating will be trashed when he doesn't pay. You should stay out of it, and stop posting your brothers life online

He can't just stop paying the mortgage because if she's never worked the mortgage will be in his name and his credit rating will be trashed when he doesn't pay.

If he can't afford to pay it he can't afford to pay it. Or do you think he should have 3 or 4 jobs....

Surely he's paying so that his children are housed, clothed, entertained and fed , not to support her specifically.