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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so angry right now

23 replies

artychique · 27/12/2016 13:30

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. He recently lost his job and now has a terrible low paying PT job. I have less things to pay for so I ended up buying all but 2 Christmas presents from us to the family. I spent around 250 quid on the gifts. His grandfather then passed and I dropped everything to support him and his family, by being there for his family and helping his grandmother with dementia. Since then, along with the family ive helped care for her. Then I did the entire christmas lunch and a boxing day meal out of my own time and money again. I didnt and still don't mind doing it because his family are my family. But today, whilst caring for his grandmother and trying to get her to take medicine, my boyfriend called me selfish. I freaking snapped and yelled at him and have since been angry in the corner..

AIBU?

OP posts:

Champagneformyrealfriends · 27/12/2016 13:31

Why did he call you selfish?! He sounds like a prick to me.

Evennumberonthevolume · 27/12/2016 13:32

But what was the reason he called you selfish?

Eebahgum · 27/12/2016 13:32

YANBU. You sound far from selfish in your post. When you've calmed down do you think you could explain why his comment upset you so much?

Original poster

artychique · 27/12/2016 13:35

I'm not sure why he called me selfish.. it seemed a bit out of the blue. I mean after he called me selfish he threw chocolates at me as his way of trying to make up. He knows I hate it so I think he was doing it to piss me off further. He's probably stressed or upset. He keeps trying to find a new job but can't. Maybe I did something I didnt realise I was doing.

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 27/12/2016 13:40

You sound very supportive but also very over-involved for a boyfriend of less than 2 years standing.
I don't get how you can think that his family are your family in this timeframe.why are you paying for Xmas for his entire family?

happychristmasbum · 27/12/2016 13:43

I agree with Delphinium this sounds very full on for a boyfriend you have been dating for less than 2 years.

Do you live together?

Timeforabiscuit · 27/12/2016 13:44

Back away, being supportive does not mean being the nearest available emotional punchbag.

Do you have friends and family of your own? Do you do anything in your own right like hobbies or Interests? Spend the new year focusing more on those and developing your new inteests, maybe your partner will come out of the bad patch, maybe he wont - but you dont need to weather bad times mfor the sake of it if love and respect isnt forthcoming.

ChuckSnowballs · 27/12/2016 14:04

Maybe I did something I didnt realise I was doing

What like working, doing all the present buying, all the shopping and all the cooking and dropping everything to support him. Yes what a complete selfish arse you are.

Not.

I would view this in the 'Red Flag' territory. And refocus your energies back to yourself and away from him. That's if you don't bin the twat first.

TheoriginalLEM · 27/12/2016 14:07

He is lashing out at you because he should be looking after his family but isn't, he should have a job but doesn't. He is being a prick but I can sort of understand why.

Are you the only person able to take care of his nan because if she has dementia you wont be able to do this without help. He needs a wake up call. You should look into getting external help with her as caring for someone with dementia is exhausting, emotionally and physically.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2016 14:14

Why do you need to look after his family? He has more time than you do - and they are his family, not yours. I know you say in your post that 'his family are your family' but you've been together only two years and he's your boyfriend, sorry but perhaps you're attaching more importance to your relationship status than he is?

His behaviour towards you isn't great. You could excuse it as bereavement maybe, with some job stress but do you really want to? He's taking advantage of your kindness, whatever his reasons, and that's really not ok.

I would not want my daughter jumping in as a 'saviour' on the basis that you are (with what you've posted) and in your position, I would be backing off and letting him pick up the slack for his family - sourcing and finding what they need because it's HIS job if it's anybody's.

RB68 · 27/12/2016 14:17

I would be saying better selfish than fucking self centred and leaving

TheWoodlander · 27/12/2016 14:19

I think you might be being taken advantage of here, OP. His family are not really your family. You're not even married, so they're not even in-laws yet.

You really paid for dinner for his whole family? I can't imagine anyone in my family allowing this - brothers gf paying for us all! Just wouldn't happen. Sadly, though, there are those that will take advantage. Don't be a doormat. Back right off with the 'helping out.'

HecAteAllTheXmasPud · 27/12/2016 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pregnantat50 · 27/12/2016 14:25

He feels guilty and inadequate for not being able to help, and he is lashing out at you, its not right or fair but it sounds like losing his job has hurt his pride and he is struggling with his emotions. You are doing more than enough to help him but sometimes those who we love the most are those who take the brunt of our pain

PoppyFleur · 27/12/2016 14:29

Why did he call you selfish? I think you sound very selfless.

Without more context it is hard to judge but at the moment his comment is frankly laughable. In your position I would be rather annoyed too.

Miserylovescompany2 · 27/12/2016 14:40

OP, you are investing too much of yourself IMHO. Might I suggest taking a few steps back. You have lots going on, he has lots going on...but, communication is key. Find out why he has called you selfish, maybe he meant "selfless" because that sounds nearer the mark?

Original poster

artychique · 27/12/2016 15:42

I see lots of people picking up on my comment. I don't mean it like that it's more the fact that they have cared for me, paid for food for me, let me stay at theirs when I struggled and paid for me when on holiday with them. It's comparatively small compared what they have done for me. As well as that, engagement and marriage has been brought up as we feel it's the stage we are at. But if this is an underlaying problem it may not happen.
I'm going to have a proper chat with him later and find out what is wrong exactly as communication is key. I was just angry at the time.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 27/12/2016 15:55

I agree with delphinium You seem way too over invested for such a short length of time

Backt0Black · 27/12/2016 15:57

He threw chocolates at you as 'his way of making up'.

So he's immature as well as ungrateful.

Whatslovegottodo · 27/12/2016 16:01

We were living together and engaged after 2 years so I don't think this is particularly significant or strangely short?

Op - is this totally out of character for him? If so it sounds like your BF cold be grieving. This doesn't mean it's acceptable to speak to you in such a way however it does make it a bit more understandable. I think you have been a real rock. Now you could give him some space with his family to process things. Could you go and see your family at all? Hopefully in the new year things will settle down, and BF will get a job again and things will improve. It has been an emotional time and sounds like a cooling off period is needed.

Grilledaubergines · 27/12/2016 16:05

Take a step back OP. You don't need to, nor should you, invest so much of yourself at this stage in the relationship. You've been too kind hearted. Some people are givers. Others are takers.

debbs77 · 27/12/2016 20:39

How is 2 years short?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/12/2016 20:56

Agree two years isn't overly short. We were celebrating our 6 month wedding anniversary after just under 2 years.

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