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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH fucked off just before dinner was ready

82 replies

Natsku · 25/12/2016 20:24

He just disappeared without saying where he was going or anything and his phone was off. Me and DD were really worried, DD was scared that something had happened to him. We ate dinner just the two of us while I tried to get in contact with his friends, eventually got one to go and look for him. He found him at the house of a complete deadbeat, who he doesn't like so I have no idea why he was there.

He's on his way home and I am sure I am not being unreasonable to be absolutely fuming. He has barely been around all day, on Christmas fucking Day, and then does this right at dinner time, when I've spent days preparing this meal. I don't know what to say to him when he gets here, don't have the words for how upset I am.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/12/2016 00:21

You cannot micro manage him. That would be a huge mistake. You are not listening, though.

Original poster
Natsku · 26/12/2016 00:23

I'm listening AnyFucker just trying to process this and make my decision but tonight is not the right time to make any decision.

OP posts:
madein1995 · 26/12/2016 00:32

Oh OP I'm so sorry this has happened, and at Christmas too. I think you should think long and hard before making any decisions, and don't make them straight away. I'd love to say LTB but me telling you what to do isn't going to help - I know it wouldn't if I were you.

That said, it could be disruptive to your dd living with an addict, it's not fair on either you or on your child and she needs to be your priority. It's possible he wants to change and me personally I'd give him a chance to get clean rather than just leaving him straight away, that's just me though, I'm soft as butter and I can't really say for sure what I would do in that situation, like to think I'd stick by him if possible but impossible to say.

If he continues using though I think you do need to get out, if just for dd's sake. If social services got involved for any reason, you allowing yourself and your child to live with an active drug user would be heavily frowned down upon and viewed as you not looking after dd. Not saying how I see it, but how they would.

Sending you Flowers Wine and Cake

Original poster
Natsku · 26/12/2016 00:45

SS are already involved because of DD's dad (he's mentally ill and has caused a lot of trouble). I'm in two minds now, should I talk to the social workers about this or not, there's the fear they will look down on this but there's also the hope they could help him access help. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
NoMudNoLotus · 26/12/2016 01:00

It's not the social workers job to help him get support for his habit ... It's the social workers job to ensure that your daughter is emotionally safe because as I'm sure you know there is a significant risk of mental ill health to the children of addicts .

You need to put your child first OP ... I'm sorry to be blunt but you need to put some space between you until he's taking some responsibility.

RedastheRose · 26/12/2016 01:18

Natsku sorry to say this but like others on here have said you have enough shit going on in your life to not add in dealing with helping an addict kick his habit. He knows what you are dealing with so should understand if you say you will support him getting help BUT he will have to move out whilst he does so. You can't risk your DD's screwball father having anything to hold over you imo. Good luck.

stella23 · 26/12/2016 01:23

How old is your dd? He's already fucked up her christmas don't let it be her life.
Put your dd before him

madein1995 · 26/12/2016 01:25

If SS are involved then sorry, I think you need to distance yourself while he gets sorted. They are bound to know all the signs and suss it out and if you stay you could be at real risk of losing your child - not saying it happens all the time but I know of mums in my area who've stayed with an addict and the child has been removed. That's not to say you couldn't go back when he's sorted, but you have to put your dd first IMO. With SS involvement, to stay when he could be using drugs (I'm not being obtuse here, but he has been misusing his medication for some time and you've not noticed - they are manipulative), even if you thought he was clean, could be viewed as you not safeguarding your daughter from harm.

I also wouldn't approach the social worker for help - they're likely a child social worker not adult, and from the sound of it they're there for dd and you not your partner. The best way to access help would be to go to his GP and tell him/her everything, and they can arrange help. Detox, rehab etc.

QueSera · 26/12/2016 01:53

Bottom line: your DD has to be your priority here. Your absolute, number 1 priority. He's done this to you both on christmas fucking day, at the christmas fucking meal, and youre worried about poor him, his poor addiction, not your DD? Get hold of yourself - he is a grown man, your DD is a child who has no one but you for protection and support. Start today: put her first, from today and every day from now on. Hugs x

KathArtic · 26/12/2016 02:01

Keep your finances and valuables secure whilst this is going on.

CherrySkull · 26/12/2016 02:29

if he has adhd, and is on meds, why is he also smoking cannabis, it does entirely the opposite.

Graphista · 26/12/2016 02:37

Withholding information like this from ss is a terrible idea. For starters your dd should be the priority not a grown man who's CHOSEN to abuse drugs (applies to street or prescription). Secondly if ss find out from someone else or from observations your deception/lack of candour will be a concern.

At the very least separate till he's clean.

KermitRuffinsTrumpet · 26/12/2016 03:35

Please don't use ''screwball" to describe someone with a mental illness, red.

I'm sorry this is happening Natsku. I agree with others that he needs to sort this himself. Although you can support him, he needs to be proactive.

Isetan · 26/12/2016 05:31

He's an addict and has probably been one to varying degrees for a long time. Addicts are experienced liars and are manipulative, they need to be to sustain their addiction. If he was serious, he would be researching and accessing substance and addiction services in your area but he's gone the far more passive route of making you responsible for his recovery (disposing of his drugs and talking to his friends).

I'm sorry your going through this but given SS's earlier involvement, you can not prioritise your partner and your DD, you have to choose.

Serana · 26/12/2016 06:16

OP, hate to be blunt but tonight is/was the right time to make a decision. You said your dd was really worried and scared that something had happened to her dad, then had to eat xmas lunch with dad missing. All that is emotional harm. There is a family law barrister on MN who has said the focus is on removal rather than support. I feel you should leave your OH right now or ensure he leaves, taking the pressure off dd's little shoulders immediately. OH can seek his own help and you can support from a distance. SS will then see that you have put dd first.

MoodyBox · 26/12/2016 07:46

op I'm going to go against the grain and say that if your dp is doing all he can to address this (gp, rehab etc) then sticking by him might be OK. It might not, and you would be totally justified in leaving him (either temporarily or permanently) but only you can decide that.

Sending fortifying Brew and Cake and lots of good luck in whatever you choose to do.

happychristmasbum · 26/12/2016 08:37

I don't think the man OP is currently living with is her DDs dad - is that right OP?

I agree with PP - it is utterly unfair of you to inflict all the emotional harm that living with an addict brings, on your DD. Sounds like she has suffered enough already.

If he can get well, he can do that without using you and DD as a crutch, it's time you put her first.

CalmItKermitt · 26/12/2016 09:49

Ffs why aren't you putting your daughter first?! SS are already involved but you're STILL going to keep this bloke around and spend precious time and headspace on him rather than your daughter?!
Running around talking to his mate on his behalf, getting rid of his drugs etc?!

Frankly though if your daughters worry and upset on CHRISTMAS DAY wasn't enough for you to bin him I guess nothing will be.

MorrisZapp · 26/12/2016 10:00

Trying not to judge here but I can't see past ruining a child's Christmas. We all have problems, issues, whatever. I'm on anti depressant drugs myself and if social media is anything to go by half the nations parents are coping with Christmas courtesy of prosecco, gin and cider.

But a child's Christmas? No, just no. There is something so deeply disfunctional here you cannot paper over it. Put yourself and your daughter first, twinkle toes can take responsibility for himself.

Birdsgottafly · 26/12/2016 10:04

You've posted before about him and your DD?

You need to start putting her first before her MH is destroyed.

. I need to figure out what's best for me and DD but I also do love OH and want what's best for him too.""

What's best for your DD is the same as what's best for him, because whilst you are accepting this behaviour, he's no reason to change.

You know how badly your treating your DD otherwise you'd be honest with the SWs.

At present your choosing to enable his drug abuse and the abuse of your DD.

AlabasterSnowball · 26/12/2016 10:15

Oh god, this is all so rinse and repeat. The X was a shit, the DP is a selfish waste of space. What are the chances that the next one will be any better? And what is your DD learning from all of this? Too depressing to contemplate

Serana · 26/12/2016 10:49

So bloody frustrating. A little girl's most exciting day of the year, spoiled. Ffs, OP, get rid and if you still feel obliged to support, do it from a distance with no involvement of dd whatsoever.

Original poster
Natsku · 26/12/2016 12:48

Thank you for giving me some perspective on this.

Just to clarify a few things, he's not DD's dad but has been her stepdad for several years now, her own dad is very mentally ill and isn't allowed unsupervised visits right now hence SS involvement, also involved to support me with DD's anger problems so we have a family support worker who visits once a fortnight and meets with the social work team regularly. We're not in the UK, the focus here is on support, I've always told the social workers everything so the idea of concealing this from them does not rest easy with me. Also the reason he asked me to dispose of the medicine is because I told him I can't trust him now so I wouldn't have been able to trust that he had disposed of them if he did it himself.

I noticed my OH has written a list (lists are how he does things, all his work, paperwork etc. gets written on a list and then he does it, its a big thing for him) and he has written down to call the doctor that prescribed him the medication and to call the psychiatrist (we can self-refer to specialists here in the private system, he has work health care in the private system so he'll get appointments very quickly, so that's good). There's a addiction clinic in town, I want him to go there too.

I have to decide now whether to stay in this house while he sorts himself out or not. I'm going to look what housing is available that I can afford (I don't think there should be a shortage of one bedroom apartments in social housing but I'll have to check of course.

He and his family are my only support network here, me and DD need that support network, there's no one else to look after her while I'm at court (her dad is appealing the court order), no one else to help with transportation to get to DD's appointments. Its not as simple as LTB but I have to figure it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Natsku · 26/12/2016 12:48

Just to add, thankfully it didn't ruin Christmas for DD, the main celebration was Christmas Eve, it ruined it for me because of the effort I put into that meal.

OP posts:
IhatchedaSnorlax · 26/12/2016 13:14

It sounds like you're logically thinking things through Op, so good luck. Flowers

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