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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel outdone by mil

87 replies

Nameforsaken · 25/12/2016 13:09

I know I know I should be fucking grateful that she cares and she's bought them things.m

But I'm not, I'm pissed off.
There's fucking plastic crap all over the place.

Santa brought them a stocking with 5 small gifts in.
We bought them 2 main gifts each.

Mil asked for ideas. Like every year I give her a couple suggestions and ask her not to buy too much.

She's bought the things I suggested but has then bought loads more! Alot of which has completely overshadowed things dh & I have bought. E.g. I have bought dd(3) a lovely well made, slightly expensive toy. Mil has bought a pink, plastic crappy version of it. She's also bought a happyland doll set, very similar to the playmobil family set I got.

For eacch gift we have bought, there are 4 of grandma's. She's got them more than fucking santa.

I know she means well but she's completely stepped on our toes.

OP posts:
DailyFail1 · 25/12/2016 16:33

Ffs it's christmas. Let your dc enjoy gifts while they're still cute enough that people want to buy stuff for them.

Newtonmas · 25/12/2016 16:39

It can be annoying seeing unwanted clutter. But perhaps write a wish list, with your DC's input, and share that with the grandparents? You can put a tick next to the ones that you and your DP are planning on buying and they can choose from the rest of the list. That way everyone sticks to what is on the list and there would be no duplicates and no sense of competition. The other alternative is to set up a saving account for the DC and ask grandparents not to buy gifts but to give cash gifts instead. They can transfer money directly if they want or just give a checque/cash in an envelope with a card (don't forget to cash the cheque 😂) That way they are actually helping their DGC Xmas Smile

RubyWinterstorm · 25/12/2016 16:41

I remember my gran buying a massive box of girly stuff when I was 9 or 10, fake Hermes handbag, monochrome brush and mirror set, cheap make up...

My mum hated it, and I had to pretend not to like it much.

But the excitement! My parents were all about wooden toys Grin

Bit I was def aware of my parents disapproval (and remember my mum chucking stuff in the bin in anger Shock)

Was very confusing.

Try not to spoil your dd enjoyment by disapproving, kids do pick up on things (parents are often clueless in that respect imo)

DailyFail1 · 25/12/2016 16:53

Ruby - I remember picking out a doll from the dustbin after mum chucked a gift she disapproved of, hiding it in my room so me and ds could play with it. Not a happy memory tbh. One of many in our abusive household.

Saracen · 25/12/2016 16:56

"DBro has taken her to one side and explained that for her birthday and next Xmas they will buy the gifts, label one from her and Mum can put some money into her savings for her."

Shock Lobster, your DBro plans to deprive your mum of the joy of selecting even one single toy for her grandchild? (But money will be accepted, of course.) How mean. He cannot face the prospect of his child receiving even one gift that he didn't choose himself?

EnormousTiger · 25/12/2016 16:58

Interesting people syaing grandparents do that. My parents never did for my children and I don't for mine. We are not very materialistic. You need to take your lead from the parents. In fact the most useful thing I had from my daughter this Christmas was details of her child's bank account details - I suspect these grandchildren would welcome savings when they go to university in 18 years' time rather than a load of toys that are going to clutter the place where they live. Small children appreciate a few small presents, not loads and loads. In fact they get more pleasure sometimes playing with plastic containers and cardboard boxes.

Don't let the mother in law or the child see you aren't happy with the presents, however. What is done is done and we just have to make the bst of it and make sure everyone feels happy even if that means you have to keep it yourself. If MIL has duplicated your present and hers is better then great - you can take back your present to the shop and get a cash refund after Christmas if the child does not want two of something similar or sell yours on Ebay.

Kirriemuir · 25/12/2016 16:58

Another moaning thread. Jesus.

Be thankful you have grandparents alive to be able to buy gifts for their family and for god sake stop with the "we've bought meaningful presents" as so has she. It's her money let her spend what she likes. You may not like what's she's bought but they are not your gifts to give to charity either. They belong to your DC.

Northernlurker · 25/12/2016 17:01

I think, as parents, part of our job is accepting our dc are not our possessions. It's not up to us alone to love them, us alone to cherish them, us alone to raise them. If our dc are lucky there will be a cast of loving relations.

Op your mil loves your kids, by all mean try and guide her but don't resent the joy she's given your dc.

EnormousTiger · 25/12/2016 17:01

Yes, my parents are dead and it was very sad today.

If more people would list to the Queen's message today and take it on board we'd all do better. As ever Her Majesty was very wise - the little things we do to make others feel better every day are what makes the world a much better place. Gritting teeth in the face of all the irritations of family at Christmas is probably a good thing to do.

BareGrylls · 25/12/2016 17:02

Yet another pitfall for potential MILs.
Beware of buying gifts that your DIL will consider common. So only hand carved organic pieces. Oh no, wait, you can't buy those because you will be deemed to be competing.
Luckily DC don't care whether it's wood or plastic and won't be offended if you shop at ToysRUS

Newbrummie · 25/12/2016 17:03

Also I hate to say it as I was the original gtlc, white company wanker when mine were little, the tasteful rag dolls and pink wooden prams gathered dust whilst the shitty Argos numbers in mamas and papers eye watering stripes were played with daily ... I think sometimes grannies know what kids like best.

TinselTwins · 25/12/2016 17:22

My mother does this, which pisses me off because when I was a child she'ld confiscate my gifts from other people if she thought they were too much or even just if they weren't to her taste (even if they were to mine).. requests to rein it are met with a big ramp-UP in he quantity (and not quality) of stuff she gives…. over giving can be very PA….

But here's how we deal with it: we exchange "our" presents on christmas morning, and let them open the GP presents after dinner.

It works well, the OTT GP presents are a frenzie of opening (as there's so many of them) but the actual gifts get left behind in the bit wasteful- pile of wrapping and packaging and they go back to playing with the quality not quantity-- gifts they got in the morning when they weren't overwhelmed.

Let them play with or ignore the massive pile of GP tat presents for a month or so then do a big charity shop clear out of the ones that are broken or forgotten (i.e. most of them!)

Original poster
Nameforsaken · 25/12/2016 17:55

Absolutely mothing wrong with it queenliz but as I said, we'd already bought a very similar toy, so there was no need for 2 more or less the same.
Same with ds, he got a nerf gun from us, and mil bought him a cheaper version of one. Again, he doesn't need two.
She asked what they'd like, I told her. Why then buy extras? Esp without checking whether we'd already got something similar already.

She did it a dd 3rd birthday too. I asked her to get her a doll as I'd be getting a pram & bits to go with it. I didn't think to tell her that I'd got those bits already.
She went and bought the doll and the pram and the bits to go with it thinking that they'd be nice together. Yes they would go nice together, which is why I'd sorted it. So instead of asking she just asumes that I won't be buying stuff

OP posts:
Original poster
Nameforsaken · 25/12/2016 17:59

enormous I'm sorry, but my parents are dead too. So I know what it feels like to not have much family around at christmas.
I still don't want my kids thinking it's normal to expect lots of presents

OP posts:
Original poster
Nameforsaken · 25/12/2016 18:01

It's not the shopping at toysrus that's the issue bare it's the wandering round it aimlessly just spending without thinking.

OP posts:
Beebeeeight · 25/12/2016 18:02

I can tell your DCs are still young.

You are going to find later parenthood very hard if you are this controlling.

At birthday parties they will be given mountains I'd plastic tat.

Get a grip and get used to it.

Original poster
Nameforsaken · 25/12/2016 18:04

Okay, so I should bring the gifts out that I've hidden. Afterall, they're not mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nameforsaken · 25/12/2016 18:05

My eldest is 9, I've been to my fair share of class parties, and held them. The gifts from that don't bother me. It's not the cheap plastic crap that bothers me, it's the fact that instead of buying a couple good quality gifts she bought lots of poor quality ones

OP posts:
SunshineInTheRain · 25/12/2016 18:08

I was the same as ruby. We had minimal, wooden, often hand crafted gender neutral toys only. I really just wanted a fucking barbie doll but ohh the contempt my mother held for those was so obvious.

As a parent I much prefer the beautiful toys, and cringed when my children put equestrian dolls on the list this year, but it's what they will enjoy that matters. And hopefully if we go with the plastic tat phase it will pass soon.

RubyWinterstorm · 25/12/2016 18:24

Sunshine, yes, I never had a barbie.

I think I wanted a Sindy actually Wink

afterthis · 25/12/2016 18:27

YANBU similar scenes at mine this morning. MIL got DD the present I've had my eye on for her bday early next year "because it sounded like such a great idea", yes it fucking was, now I need to think of something else for her birthday.

Northernlurker · 25/12/2016 18:35

I don't think you can assume she didn't think about it. Sounds like actually she's asked what they would like and bought that. They may have more than one but to a lot of people that's a symbol of love and being provided for. It's not annoying to have more than one of something especially if your younger experience was of not having enough. Do you know what her childhood was like OP?
My Nan always buys awful sentimental cards. I would inwardly roll my eyes when opening. Till I talked to her and learnt that as a child a birthday card was a rare and exciting symbol of wealth. She genuinely didn't get many so when she buys something glittery and fulsome she's actually partly buying it for the little girl who didn't get cards. I think we all do that a bit. We buy for the children we're shopping for but we also buy with ourselves, as we are and as we were, in mind.

lougle · 25/12/2016 19:17

It's really hard being a parent these days, but I reckon it must be harder being a grandparent Shock.

She's gone out and thought of your child. She's actually got it right, because she thought of exactly the same things you thought of. She just didn't get the right brands and she duplicated your efforts, in the hope of wowing her grandchild and probably her DD.

fabulous01 · 25/12/2016 19:31

We have same problem. I wanted practical things and they always but crap. Or if it is good stuff 2 of them. We have twins. But they don't need half of it.
I grew up with no money and would prefer money for savings accounts so they don't have same problems we did.
Oh well they don't listen which is a shame.

Buffythebabywearer · 25/12/2016 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.