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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about behaviour of guests' toddler in my house

85 replies

IceMap · 25/12/2016 07:53

Family members staying with us for few days. Their toddler is 3.5.

Guestroom is downstairs with it's own bathroom. No need for guests to go upstairs as it's just our bedroom, DD's bedroom (17months) our bathroom and office (full of private papers, delicate electronics etc). Toddler keeps going upstairs. His mum has said 3x now 'it's ok if he goes upstairs isn't it, it's all child-safe up there?' Each time I've replied politely 'not really' and explain about office so his mum accompanied him and let him gave a good rummage Angry He also keeps going in DD's bedroom, throwing her toys around, then ran into my bedroom and clambered on bed!
We have a large lounge downstairs with lots of toys. I don't want him upstairs in the bedrooms/office. AIBU?

Also he snatches toys from DD, has knocked her over a few times and plays roughly.

What can I do??

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 25/12/2016 13:35

I wouldn't call a 3.5 year old a toddler,most children at that age are at nursey by then so he shoud be used to being told what he can and can't do.

Speak upto the Mum say he can't go in the bedrooms end of it's your home and speak up if he trys to hurt your toddler,he is old enough to know not to hurt other children and if he does attend nursery believe me he'll be used to being told no!

DJBaggySmalls · 25/12/2016 13:39

Say No to the Mum as a lesson for her in how to say No. It sounds like they both need one.

harderandharder2breathe · 25/12/2016 13:42

The child isn't the problem. You need to be firmer and tell the parents nobody is to go upstairs as there's no need anyway. If his parents still let him do what he wants then they are the problem.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/12/2016 16:43

Not really isn't saying no

There's no need to go upstairs

Just say please keep toddler downstairs

Beebeeeight · 25/12/2016 17:06

Your house isn't toddler proof. That isn't the child's/parents fault.

coconutpie · 25/12/2016 21:48

YANBU. Tell them firmly upstairs is off limits.

mindthegap01 · 26/12/2016 08:37

Of course YANBU but as pp have said, saying "not really" is a bit wishy washy. You need to be clear.

To the pp who said that it's your fault that your house isn't toddler proof - how ridiculous. Every single room doesn't need to be toddler proof - you just have to stop toddlers going into those rooms unsupervised. Why should the OP toddler proof her office, bedroom etc so someone else's unruly child can charge around them? How ridiculous.

If I take my 2 toddlers to someone else's house, they are my responsibility. It's not easy - especially if there are ornaments and sharp corners everywhere - but it's my job to keep them safe and occupied whilst respecting the host's home.

We spend time in restaurants - obviously I don't let them run around there either.

Big girl pants time OP.

FrancisCrawford · 26/12/2016 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 26/12/2016 13:20

Just say no and that you don't want him upstairs. I had this when I had my first and he was a newborn.

The mum was utterly ineffectual, letting the toddler climb in the cot with shoes on. I had to tell her to take him out and she was confused that she would have to tell him no.

Stand up for yourself.

FarAwayHills · 26/12/2016 14:07

Sounds like exactly the same sort of parent that allows their child to run riot in cafes and restaurants. People should not need to 'toddler proof' their home so that the visiting child has free reign to roam around unsupervised. This child centred attitude leaves little opportunity for kids to learn boundaries and respect for others.

specialsubject · 26/12/2016 15:42

entire house does not need to be toddler proof if parents supervised ickle sweetums.

tell them that their welcome has expired, sorry.

charliethebear · 26/12/2016 15:57

You haven't really said no though, its not the 3.5yos fault, you should have just said no when the mum asked first time.
I do think its a bit weird to have a whole floor off limits when you have guests, there's not really any reason for them to be up there as I would expect them to stay out of your office/bedrooms, however I think saying you cant go upstairs is a bit strange tbh. I would just say our office and bedrooms are off limits.
And I find it hard to believe that 12 yos ask the parents to go upstairs when their friend has said they can as a pp said.

missyB1 · 26/12/2016 16:15

If you have a 17 month old then dont you have stairgates? if you dont then just have a polite but firm word with the parents saying you would rather he stayed downstairs. Your mistake was in saying "not really". Mind you utterly bizarre that his mum would take him into your office!

JustWoman · 26/12/2016 17:37

And I find it hard to believe that 12 yos ask the parents to go upstairs when their friend has said they can as a pp said.

It was me who said, why on Earth would I lie? They'd be doing nothing wrong if they up to DDs room after she'd invited, but if I'm in the same room they'll double check and ask if it's ok, or if I'm in next room they'll ask dd if mum or dad won't mind. Is it really that odd that it makes sense that I'm lying about it? The idea that people should toddler proof their whole house for any visiting toddlers is more odd to me :)

Hope the smiley doesn't look PA or owt like that, never had a barney on MN yet but I'm honestly not lying, they are an odd bunch and do odd things so if that's one of them so be it :)

For a bit of a giggle to myself today I've been saying "not really" to see how many people think it's means yes.

Dd "can I out YouTube on the to while Dads in the bath" (he can't stand the you tubers voices haha).
Me "not really, he'll be out soon"
DDs puts YouTube on iPad and gets headphones ready.

Dh "I'm making some toast, you want some"
Me"not really"
Dh makes his own toast.

FIL "do you want some cake?"
Me "not really, I'm stuffed, thank you"
FIL " you sure?"
Me " certain"
FIL" ok" puts cake in fridge

I mean I know "not really" isn't as direct as a no, but I don't see how it can be taken as a "yes, go ahead"

donajimena · 26/12/2016 17:44

Superb post justwoman
I'm not really in the mood tonight.. doesn't mean I am in anyway in the mood!

PuntCuffin · 26/12/2016 18:00

OP Visitor: is upstairs childproof?
OP : Not really
OP visitor goes up to ensure child is safe and is focused on their child's safety, not permission to go up there.

If you didn't want them up there, you should have said so more directly.

leaveittothediva · 26/12/2016 18:25

Lock all bedroom doors upstairs, the child will soon get bored, office should be locked anyway, unless you want office equipment tampered with. I don't like ill mannered parents that allow their children to wander all over your home, I usually ask them where they think they are going and that people's bedrooms are private, that usually motivates the parents to say something.

FrancisCrawford · 26/12/2016 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poole5 · 26/12/2016 22:02

If you have a 17 month old then dont you have stairgates?

Don't have to have them

Masketti · 26/12/2016 22:57

My 3.5 year old is told 'no going upstairs' and she listens. Yes of course they're curious at this age but no means no. And I've got a very wilful preschooler and I still manage to contain her to the areas of houses she's allowed in.

Masketti · 26/12/2016 23:06

Oh and to PP saying about toddler proofing houses. 3.5 is NOT a toddler. I too have an 18 month old and what she's allowed near/to do vs what the 3.5 year old is allowed is wildly different. She's excellent at climbing so would be up the stairs in a shot but she's also very safe with it (although I never leave her to climb the stairs on her own) whereas I do the 3.5 year old.

MY house isn't toddler proof FFS! I have ornaments, things to climb on, things to pull on top of herself, things to get stuck in or on and tiny things to choke on. But as her parent I watch her all the time. I know what she gravitates towards and I know the danger spots. When I go round to someone's house I know what both of them will be into (the 3.5 year old loves getting into the other child's bed but I always make sure she has her shoes off AND check with the parent they're happy her going upstairs AND warn them she will get in their child's bed) The mum in the OPs post is not managing her preschooler properly and the OP only needs to proof her house against her own child not anyone elses.

PrincessConsuelaTheSecond · 26/12/2016 23:37

Tell the parents no.

If they don't supervise the 3YO after that then discipline him yourself. It's your house and you get to set the rules...

QueenLizIII · 26/12/2016 23:49

I started intervening with my nieces. they too are old enough to understand no and just dont listen.

Think at 3 years old running around cafes, crawling around on the cafe floor, crawling under the table and laughing at you when you say no and keeping on doing it.

I finally got sick of it as she'd crawled under the cafe table for the 50th time and knocked my coffee over in rocking the table as she did so, I reached under the table, hauled her out put her back on her seat and said firmly sit on that chair & stay there. She gave me a funny look and so did her mum. I dont think she had ever been told no. She had toys to amuse her and books.

TBH Id go upstairs and bring him straight back down and say to him in front of his mother dont go upstairs again.

3 isnt a baby. They will be school age soon and expected to sit still and listen and do as they are told.

december10th · 27/12/2016 09:44

3.5 is not a toddler. such behaviour is not age appropriate .his parents seem ineffective .

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 27/12/2016 09:56

We need to know the outcome of this..