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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about behaviour of guests' toddler in my house

85 replies

IceMap · 25/12/2016 07:53

Family members staying with us for few days. Their toddler is 3.5.

Guestroom is downstairs with it's own bathroom. No need for guests to go upstairs as it's just our bedroom, DD's bedroom (17months) our bathroom and office (full of private papers, delicate electronics etc). Toddler keeps going upstairs. His mum has said 3x now 'it's ok if he goes upstairs isn't it, it's all child-safe up there?' Each time I've replied politely 'not really' and explain about office so his mum accompanied him and let him gave a good rummage Angry He also keeps going in DD's bedroom, throwing her toys around, then ran into my bedroom and clambered on bed!
We have a large lounge downstairs with lots of toys. I don't want him upstairs in the bedrooms/office. AIBU?

Also he snatches toys from DD, has knocked her over a few times and plays roughly.

What can I do??

OP posts:
witsender · 25/12/2016 09:06

It is normal for many kids, if they are not told otherwise.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 25/12/2016 09:10

Perhaps it's time to get a gate and a lock then.

If they ask again say no and suggest that they go into the garden instead or if you're free, all go for a walk.

StrangeLookingParasite · 25/12/2016 09:13

YABU about the behaviour of a 3,5yo. Sounds perfectly normal to me. It's not like jumping on a bed is crime of the century.

That'snot the point.

And what you need to say is no.

Birdsgottafly · 25/12/2016 09:17

""And I think a 3.5 year old is old enough to understand that he cannot just do whatever he likes! ""

But they need to be told and the OP didn't do that.

OP it isn't rude to set rules in your house. The Office and your Bedroom being out of bounds is fine.

The rest, is normal behaviour (depending on personality).

Is there a park, or somewhere to go for a walk, to break the day up for them?

Cosmicglitterpug · 25/12/2016 09:18

It really surprises me when people don't think letting a three year old upstairs is out of order, if it's not your house then no way would it happen. Sounds to me like she can't be arsed to deal with saying no. I had a woman come round for a play date with a 4.5 year old and he wanted to go upstairs constantly but I have a firm no. I know from a mutual friend that his mother normally lets him go upstairs and have a good poke about.
OP take the mum aside and say could we all stay downstairs please. No reasons need to be given; it's your house.

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/12/2016 09:18

Well I would be firmer, 3.5 is old enough to understand. I wouldn't invite them again either, surely people understand bedrooms etc are private.

FrancisCrawford · 25/12/2016 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/12/2016 09:29

"What can I do??"
Put on your big girl pants and say no. Seriously, why are you struggling to just say 'no, I don't want him rummaging in our office or bedrooms'?

talkshowhost97 · 25/12/2016 09:42

We had friends with similar ages DC and at that time lived in a flat so all on one level. We were having them all round so put stair gates across all the bedrooms. One of the kids actually came and (politely) asked me to open it as they wanted to look in my room and seemed confused when I refused!

Just say no. You say you've no good reason and in the same sentence that you are worried about breakages. That's your good reason. Not that you need one. Just tell the parents, upstairs isn't childproof or tidy for guests please keep DC downstairs.

willitbe · 25/12/2016 09:42

No excuse needed - next time an attempt to go upstairs is made, just say clearly that the child has been upstairs enough times now, and that he is not to go upstairs again. "Upstairs is not allowed now". redirect the child's attention to the toys downstairs. Be very clear with 3 year old, and then very very clear with adult, "don't go upstairs again please, there is no reason why any of you need to be up there."

You need to be blunt and clear.

PaulDacresConscience · 25/12/2016 10:02

Just don't want to seem rude as I can't think of a good 'reason' why upstairs is out of bounds

Say 'please don't go upstairs'. Accompany with a nice smile but be firm. If you're asked why not, then turn it round and ask them why they need to go upstairs. If they say that it's just to have a look around, then smile nicely and say that they have already been upstairs and looked around and that there is no need to go up there again.

gamerchick · 25/12/2016 10:13

You don't need to give a reason. Just a firm, direct eye contact 'I don't want anyone upstairs please.'

DailyFail1 · 25/12/2016 10:33

Be direct and say he's not allowed upstairs.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 25/12/2016 10:35

When my friends' kids are here, or we're there, we kind of collectively parent - I'll tell her kids "Careful" or "Get down please" and it's fine

Tell the mum it's not ok for her LO to go upstairs and if you catch him up there, tell him yourself (kindly - "Ooh it's not safe up here darling, please don't come up again - let's go down and play with the Happyland / Lego / whatever")

3.5 is not really a toddler it's a preschooler and often they are quite happy to be compliant.

Bauble16 · 25/12/2016 10:43

I think your over reacting. Clearly your daughter is at the easy age but she will get nosey, they all do. Shouldn't have gone on your bed no or in your room but a little nosey in your daughter's doesn't sound bad. Perhaps the mum needs to watch him more but the toddler sounds normal

JustWoman · 25/12/2016 10:50

ime experience visiting children haven't assumed they have free roam of upstairs until told no, in fact the opposite, they assumed it's a no until I've said go ahead, dd is now 12 and when her friends come and she invites them up they still check with me first.

When they were toddlers and made for DDs bedroom their parents would stop them if they went to go up and told them no, it's rude to go into people's bedrooms without permission. There wasn't an expectation I'd say "no, it's fine let them go" either.

There's been problems with one neice, she looks at me like shit when I say no to her going into DDs room to look at her things. Mainly when dd isn't here too. Dd doesn't like people in her room and from about 8 DDs privacy and private space is hers. Dd leaves stuff downstairs that she's happy for the younger ones to play with, but things in her room are off limits and as my neice is only a year or two younger than dd she's more than old enough to understand No, but her dad never stops her trying to get up, and dh and I have to physically stand in her way to stop her. Bil and sil think I'm mean for saying no, and no longer visit because it's upsetting for neice to be not allowed in DDs bedroom when she's not here.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/12/2016 10:54

Yabu re your dds bedroom. From the other side of the coin, 3 year olds are very curious and very interested in other children's toys and rooms. I used to think it was really mean if we went round someone's house and they said no playing in their dc rooms. However, yanbu for study and your bedroom.

Happyinthehills · 25/12/2016 10:55

OP - you don't have to give reason. Best thing I've learnt from Mumsnet - "No." is a complete sentence.

pictish · 25/12/2016 11:09

"To be honest I'd probaby rather he didn't go upstairs. There's stuff lying around, belongings out and it's not for rummaging in. Cheers."

Benedikte2 · 25/12/2016 11:29

I'm surprised at the number of pp who feel that because curious behaviour is normal in a 3.5 yo that it shouldn't be restrained. If the child breaks something or hurts himself his parents will claim it was because the OP hadn't provided a child safe home. It's a no win situation for the OP.

sj257 · 25/12/2016 11:39

Tell them no. A child that age is old enough to understand no and why.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 25/12/2016 11:48

. I used to think it was really mean if we went round someone's house and they said no playing in their dc rooms.

You'd bloody hate me then. Bedrooms are private spaces where yiu can sleep, play or relax not a public space for anyone who happens to fancy a play to run amok.

Cel982 · 25/12/2016 11:52

Going against the grain here, I think if people are staying with you for several days it's a little odd to make a whole floor of the house off-limits. It's not like an afternoon play date. Of course you should ask the mum not to let him into certain rooms if you like, but personally I wouldn't ban anyone from the entire upstairs.

PinkSwimGoggles · 25/12/2016 11:59

tell the child. if their parents aren't you will have to. good preparation for when your dc is that age

corythatwas · 25/12/2016 12:20

Houses are not all laid out the same, rules may vary in different house, kindest thing for everybody is to be absolutely clear about what rules apply in your house.