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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel cheated

66 replies

Beanzmeanzheinz1 · 24/12/2016 22:47

AIBU to feel pissed off and cheated that my kids have no grandparents, they are 1 and 4, I'm 40, my partner is younger and we've both lost our parents. I feel quite bitter and twisted when I hear people whining about parents and in-laws but also when they say how great they are and how they do this, that and the other for their grandchildren. I hate that my children will grow up not knowing what its like to have Grandparents. I don't want to sound selfish, that's not me but for all those out there complaining about theirs....stop and think what life would be like without them x

OP posts:
EveOnline2016 · 24/12/2016 22:51

Yabu.

I am very sorry for both you and your DP haven't got parents.

Some parents and in laws are truly vile.

NoMudNoLotus · 24/12/2016 22:52

Not everybody who has parents is having a blissful time.
And many people who are not grateful for their parents are justifiable so.
I am sorry you lost your parents - but that does not mean that everybody with parents has to feel grateful for them.
Many people are at or have been at the receiving end of emotional, financial, physical & sexual abuse & it is more prevalent than you would like to believe.

My children have grandparents. They just aren't allowed to see them. For very good reason .

Tantrictantrum · 24/12/2016 22:53

Adopt one. Plenty of old people

NoMudNoLotus · 24/12/2016 22:53

Totally agree Eve.

CockacidalManiac · 24/12/2016 22:53

YABU.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 24/12/2016 22:56

Do you and your husband have siblings, OP? Aunts, uncles, cousins etc who are involved in your lives?

OopsDearyMe · 24/12/2016 22:56

Many child!dren grow up without grandparents, i did as my grandparents had their kids late in life. Also mine don't have much in the way of grandparents that do the stuff you think your kids are missing out on.

It not all flowers and roses,but I know what you mean, its sad when ypou cannot give your children the warmth and strength of family.

NoMudNoLotus · 24/12/2016 22:57

And actually it's not a great reflection on you to feel bitter hearing other people talk fondly about their parents/ grandparents.
Regardless of my own circumstances I always like to wish others happiness and see other people doing well.
You would feel a happier person if you took the same stance.

BarbarianMum · 24/12/2016 22:57

YANBU to be upset that your children will have no grandparents because you've lost your parents - how could you be? YABU if you feel everybody else should embrace their parents/grandparents though - there are some awful people out there.

m0therofdragons · 24/12/2016 22:57

Many people grow up with a sister, I didn't as she died when we were little. I don't feel bitter about others who do have a sister, that's pointless and unfair.

You can't help how you feel but it's not healthy to focus in that way.

GravyAndShite · 24/12/2016 22:57

You almost had my support until the last sentence. YABU - are you trying to start a row?

CockacidalManiac · 24/12/2016 22:58

Don't idealise the lives of other people. You'll be bitter all your life if you do that.

NoMudNoLotus · 24/12/2016 22:58

Exactly mother

Bluntness100 · 24/12/2016 23:00

Totally unreasonable, my daughter has none except one grandfather who has no contact with her. We are a happy family unit and none of us have ever felt pissed off or cheated.

Seriously, get over it. You and your child's happiness is in your own hands and being all moany about something you can't change is pointless.

SirMixALot · 24/12/2016 23:02

I only had one grandparent still alive by the time I was born. She died when I was thirteen. I didn't feel I'd missed out on anything because I didn't miss what I'd never known. I never envied friends who had a full set of grandparents or anything like that, it was just different for them. As I got older I was more mindful of the terrible losses my parents must have suffered in losing their own parents at such young ages (I mean both the ages of my grandparents, and my parents being so young to suffer that sort of loss). That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be pissed off when my parents or my PILS have been out of order. My brother died when I was 19 but I wouldn't (and frequently, since I know someone who would have cause to!) be bothered by someone criticising their own brother. I am sorry for your loss. I'm sure many people who have issues with their relatives or in-laws would rather have those issues than not have those relatives alive at all, but still... your situation has no bearing on others'. Again, I am sorrh for your loss. Flowers

sorryIam · 24/12/2016 23:02

Adopt some, I know plenty of people who would love some adopted grand kids.

SloanyAnne · 24/12/2016 23:03

I understand how painful it is. My parents died before I had DCs and even now, 25 years later I'm occasionally stung by the regret. It's really hard.
On the other hand, DH's parents are worse than useless and it's easy for my parents to be amazing/perfect as they're dead so there's no unwanted advice, criticism, favoritism etc
So YANBU to regret your DCs' lack but YABU to be pissed off with other people's comments - though it's hard sometimes.

sobeyondthehills · 24/12/2016 23:04

my partner lost both is parents, both in bad circumstances.

My parents are lovely (in one sense), but favour my sister's children.

DS is a happy little boy, who has lots of, for want of better words, uncle and aunts

Benedikte2 · 24/12/2016 23:15

If you know any older retired people (not necessarily a couple) who you get on well with, ask if they'd like to be adoptive grandparents. Stress you are looking for a warm relationship for your children and not for babysitters or extra gifts etc (though they may naturally flow from the relationship if it's successful)
I know I'd love the opportunity as I once worked with children and my own GC and young relatives are overseas.

Blatherskite · 24/12/2016 23:16

You can have my Father if you like?

He was so emotionally and physically abusive that I'd cut all contact by 19 (on the advice of my psychotherapist who was trying to get me to stop self harming) and I'm still - 19 years later than that - having therapy.

YABU. Not all parents are worth having and I would MUCH rather my kids had no grandparents than had him!

glindathegoodfairy · 24/12/2016 23:26

My FIL is a paedophile and my MIL is a selfish as fuck enabler who chose him over her kids and grandkids.
I am truly thankful that my DD isn't old enough to remember they exist. Fucking awful people. The only way I'd ever consider embracing them is with a bat Confused

TinselTwins · 24/12/2016 23:28

YABU

Other people's parents aren't necessarily anything like the parents you have lost.

The people you think are "ungrateful" maybe couldn't have what you used to have with your parents no matter how hard they tried

Parent's/grandparents are just human and have a whole spectrum of personalities, some are worth cherishing, others you would be wise to cross the street to avoid!

TinselTwins · 24/12/2016 23:29

OP have you ever encountered someone who made your skin crawl, or who frightened you, or who made you pick up your pace and walk faster to a more crowded "safe" place? Those people probably have children or grandchildren…

Guavaf1sh · 24/12/2016 23:30

YABU

FiveGoMadInDorset · 24/12/2016 23:30

And there are a lot of young children out there who are growing up without parents so maybe stop and think about them as well?

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