AIBU to feel cheated

[Beanzmeanzheinz1]

AIBU to feel pissed off and cheated that my kids have no grandparents, they are 1 and 4, I'm 40, my partner is younger and we've both lost our parents. I feel quite bitter and twisted when I hear people whining about parents and in-laws but also when they say how great they are and how they do this, that and the other for their grandchildren. I hate that my children will grow up not knowing what its like to have Grandparents. I don't want to sound selfish, that's not me but for all those out there complaining about theirs....stop and think what life would be like without them x

My kids have no involved grandparents and I think that they haven't lost out. They've had lots of positive things going on like their health, places at excellent state schools and I own my home so they haven't had to move frequently etc.

When I see some of my FB friends with close extended family, I admit to feeling a pang of jealousy but I think that the majority of people are somewhere in the middle and friendly with some but not others. Extend a thought to those on here trying to escape toxic parents and ILs and you won't be jealous for long.

My children only have my dad as a grandparent, my mum died last year and DH doesn't speak to his family.

I get the sentiment if you had a lovely relationship with your grandparents but I don't feel my kids are missing out on anything. My mum was never emotionally involved in the kids anyway, just like she wasn't with her own kids! DH parents couldn't give a toss about him and are unaware of their 2 GC, doubt they'd be interested even if they did know!

I did have grandparents, they weren't awful people but it also wasn't particularly enriching.

One grandfather wasn't really interested in young kids, he got to know me once I became a pre-teen and we became friendly, but before that he was just some bloke who made himself scarce/disappered to his greenhouse when I visited.

The other grandfather was often ill, my only memories of him are of being deathly bored when we used to drive him to his medical appointments. That's it. That's my only enduring memory of him, and it's not even him I remember, it's sitting in the car or in waiting rooms that I remember.

One grandmother was…. OMG…. SO BORING! No facinating tales of what it was like in the olden days (because we're constantly told that having GPS is childrens "connection to the past" and they can "learn so much" from them). No. Nothing like that. She just dusted her ceramic figures and talked about her newest and oldest one. Every time we visited. They weren't even worth much/collectable. They didn't even have a theme like how some people collect figures of dogs or pigs.. they were just random tat.

The other GM just smoked and watched TV while my parents and aunts and uncles dutifully tried to have one sided conversations with her.

I've known some AMAZING facinating older people. My grandparents were neither interesting, or particularly interested in me. No horror stories. They weren't abusive violent paedophiles. They were just very very dull creatures of habit who were mildly irritated by lively young kids who were made to visit them.

My dds1 and 2 had 4 grandparents and 2 great grandparents when they were born. By the time dd3 was born 10 years later, she had 1 grandmother. The gap has been filled by my husbands sister who is 12 years older than him.

OP, I think it is somewhat understandable you feel this way especially over the Christmas period! Hope the feeling cheated feeling lifts soon and you can find some positive thoughts

I think you are being u. I had one grandmother and one grandfather but was not close to either of them when a child. I didn't miss them when they went. However, I do watch my children with my parents and there is such mutual love, it's amazing to see. Also, my in laws are kind (but unable to help). So though I can see that perhaps you are still grieving and are angry about your parents deaths, it will probably not make too much difference to your children's lives. Perhaps some counselling would help you work it out and maybe let it go.

YADNBU
I thank god every day that DH and I have both our parents.
I had 4 grandparents as a kid... maternal grandmother died when I was 4, maternal gf was an absolute bastard, I danced when he died!
Paternal gm was like a 2nd mum to me. She died when I was 12 and it took me a long time to deal with it. Paternal gf died when I was 15.. again, heart was shattered.
I'm so sorry that your dcs won't experience grandparents.
I have since adopted my great uncle as my grandfather and my DH's gm as my own.. I even call her granny!!
It's nowhere fucking near the same but it's nice to have them as a go to.

I'm with you op - lost my parents in 89 and 2000 respectively; yes it's tough and my girls will never know the amazing gp my parents would have made. Xmas is tough.., especially when there are obviously many out there whose live parents are worse than our dead ones possibly would have been

What you can do is make sure that when the time comes you are the best grandparents you can be

I think it's a natural reaction to losing a parent. I feel cheated too, because my DD loved her grandma very much and it's shit that we lost her when she was so young and it shouldn't have happened. Life is cruel at times and 40ish is still young to be orphaned (I'm 32).

for you. I suspect a lot of the negative posters haven't had to deal with it themselves.

I am a child (well, I'm an adult now ) who had no grandparents. DF's parents passed when I was very small (less than three) and DM was NC with hers. Neither of my parents had siblings so it was just us (my parents, me, and my two siblings).

I do and I don't feel like I missed out. Apparently Df's parents were lovely, and me and my grandmother share a couple of interests and it would have been wonderful to have met them and shared that experience. I wish I had that, but not in a yearning 'I feel incomplete' way, it's a bit more detached than that, if that's makes sense.

On the other hand I can't really miss what I've never had. It's not like I had grandparents who were suddenly taken away from me. It has just never been a reality in my life.

I suppose I could compare it to travelling. I might really want to visit India. I might read up on the history and culture, talk to people who have lived there or have visited, and got a real sense of the place and wished more than ever that I could go. I might feel sad that I haven't had the opportunity but I don't miss it. I don't crave the feel of the sun on my skin, the buzz of the cities, the sights, the smells, the tastes. I'm bloody knackered so this probably makes no sense

I feel for you, deeply. Not only are you missing your parents (and I'm so sorry for your family's losses), but you are missing what your DC could have had. But although they may miss it when they're older, it won't be in the same way as you because they don't know any different

YABU

My kids don't have grandparents either, I don't think it's 'that' uncommon.

My mum lost her dad as a young child. My dad's dad died in my early teens though i never met him. My mum carries in her centre the knowledge that her dad loved her, thought she could achieve anything & would be ever so proud of her. Despite losing him, he's a source of good in her life. My dad has had to deal with the knowledge that his dad barely cared whether he was alive or dead and was a thoroughly brutal man. We all (his children and grandchildren, though hopefully not his great grandchildren) still live with the consequences of that.

I think the negative reactions are because its so hurtful to be told that youre lucky to still have your parent when there are huge issues in your relationship. No, Ive never experienced loss of a parent but the people saying this have normally never experienced a parent who would literally as a child see you wandering the street overnight because they wanted a romantic night with new partner but didnt want to admit that to your mum who was working away.

I had one grandmother and two amazing adopted grandmothers. I lost my adopted grannies over 20 years ago. They could still be alive now and i miss them at every milestone. But I would rather 14 years of them than 100 years of someone else.

I had no grandparents as a child, I feel no sense of loss.

I don't have a brother either and I have no longing for one- it's a similar thing.

Another perspective. On reflection dds1 and 2 lost 5 people they were close to in the first 10 years of life. That was tough on them.

Hope you are OK today op. Losing your parents is tough.