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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel cheated

66 replies

Beanzmeanzheinz1 · 24/12/2016 22:47

AIBU to feel pissed off and cheated that my kids have no grandparents, they are 1 and 4, I'm 40, my partner is younger and we've both lost our parents. I feel quite bitter and twisted when I hear people whining about parents and in-laws but also when they say how great they are and how they do this, that and the other for their grandchildren. I hate that my children will grow up not knowing what its like to have Grandparents. I don't want to sound selfish, that's not me but for all those out there complaining about theirs....stop and think what life would be like without them x

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 24/12/2016 23:33

Have you ever worked with someone who manipulated and made you feel helpless and bullied?

They probably have children and grandchildren. They're probably worse to them than they ever are to people outside the home!

TinselTwins · 24/12/2016 23:34

Have you ever had neighbours from hell?
They're someone's parents/grandparents from hell.

PeteSwotatoes · 24/12/2016 23:34

I spent some time caring for a boy whose parents beat him to the point of brain damage. The brain damage is so severe that he can't move, communicate or even regulate his own body temperature.

That is extreme, but it is to illustrate that YABU - many parents and grandparents are fucking dreadful.

JerryFerry · 24/12/2016 23:35

My children have no grandparents but it doesn't in anyway affect how I feel about my friends so I find your attitude odd. Bitterness is never healthy. Maybe try to focus on who and what you do have? You'll feel happier for it.

Sizzledsticks · 25/12/2016 08:09

I think you've had some harsh comments on here. I've had all four of my children's grandparents alive but not really available to help out much. My parents have spent massive chunks of my children's lives going on long holidays abroad and not really wanting to be involved. They didn't really enjoy being parents much, so although they're better grandparents than they were parents, it's still nothing like the support some people get. The other two live a long way away, so although they have the children to stay for a while once a year, aren't round to help out much (can't really come to us, for instance). I don't get annoyed with other people moaning v often. I'm sure most of them had vv valid reasons to feel upset. There was one poster who really got my goat about her inlaws, though, who seemed really nice and who wanted to just have a close relationship with her children, and she seemed hell bent in shutting them out. I'm not sure it's that easy to adopt grandparents, although I've often wished I could adopt some loving, caring parents!! But I do think you can have some lovely role models for your children, in friends, other family members, sports coaches, teachers etc (but admittedly they're unlikely to babysit for you on NYE or take the kids on orthodontist appointments for you). It would be so lovely to have supportive grandparents. But I'm also pretty sure that there are many people you know whose situation isn't as rosy as you think from the outside. Enjoy your children over Christmas. Happy Christmas OP.

Scooby20 · 25/12/2016 09:43

Yabu. I lost one nana as a toddler. Both grandads were violent alcoholics and my other nana spent her life enabling her husbands drinking and vile behaviour and often joining in.

I don't feel resentful that my friends had decent grandparents or that every Christmas had some sort of drama because of my grandparents behaviour.

Dh had wonderful grandparents who lived until he was in his late 30s. Why would I get angry?

Tbh I am fine. I don't feel I missed our because I don't know any different. Your kids will be fine.

I think this is actually your grief manifesting it's self.

Mindtrope · 25/12/2016 09:48

OP you are being naiive.

Konyaa · 25/12/2016 09:51

Your last sentence is quite vile.

Catlady1976 · 25/12/2016 09:59

I feel your pain op. My youngest child only knew one grandparent and she has now passed. It is sad that your children will miss out on having grandparents in your life. My older two have wonderful memories.
If you have parents you love and love you than you will naturally feel sad at times like this.
However many people aren't so lucky and have parents who are abusive. I a eternally grateful at I had living parents. It hurts that they are no longer around but I am thankful for the good times.

Catlady1976 · 25/12/2016 10:00

Loving

California25 · 25/12/2016 10:05

YABU. Make the most of what you have. I don't have a DP, just my DD but I'm not going to mope about it on Christmas Day.

California25 · 25/12/2016 10:06

OP you are being naiive

Completely agree with this. Who says the young are naive?. OP I'm half your age and much wiser.

Billben · 25/12/2016 10:12

YABU. Pissed off, cheated, bitter and twisted? Grow up and sort yourself out OP

Marmalade85 · 25/12/2016 10:15

My dad ran away to Thailand on his own during my maternity leave this year and hasn't spoken to me since. He has no interest in his only grandchild and doesn't even reply when I send photos. At least if he was dead he would have an excuse. Having a disinterested and absent grandparent out of choice is hard.

RortyCrankle · 25/12/2016 10:23

Oh lovely, a pity party on Christmas morning. Count your blessings OP. You have your DC 's - I couldn't have children but it's pointless wishing for what you haven't got. Live your life without regret.

Happy Christmas Xmas Smile

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 25/12/2016 11:03

No surprises that OP never returned to this one... Xmas Hmm

Catlady1976 · 25/12/2016 11:10

Yes I don't blame op for not coming back.

cherrycrumblecustard · 25/12/2016 11:22

Well, you've got a flaming, haven't you OP? Xmas Grin

Yes, I do feel cheated. I got a video from my friend yesterday and it was a gorgeous video but it hurt my heart a little to see her, her mum and dad, sister and her sisters partner, all laughing and smiling and fussing her DS (he is one next month - we grew up together.) It made me very starkly aware what my children don't have, and what I don't have, and what my husband doesn't have.

My parents were in all honesty not great. Very religious and strict in an overbearing, you-must-be-perfect, children-should-be-seen-and-not-heard way. My mother wanted a clever child and used to force me to learn maths, writing, languages, years before I was ready. Also, I was not a clever child. I still hold my pen incorrectly due to being forced to learn to write at too young an age. She was also an alcoholic, and both parents smacked me a lot, put me down a lot, criticised me constantly and lectured me all the time about what a terrible person I was.

I didn't miss my mum when she died, but I did miss something I can't quite explain. My dad - complicated, I do miss him. Even though we'd had a difficult relationship for a bit. I was 15 when my mother died. Everyone mistook my indifference (I was sorry for her but felt no real sense of personal loss) as exceptional maturity and dignity and so my dad then pissed off on a round the world trip for several months. He then spent his time between our house, a home in France and a home with his partner: over time the time spent with his partner became more and more. He died when I was late twenties.

But, it comes to you in a thousand ways. I'm saying the above as I do know what it's like to have shitty parents and I know what it's like to have dead parents.

It's the incredulous 'you don't have ANYONE to help?' from the HV.
It's the casual 'spending Christmas with your family?' from shop assistants, acquaintances, colleagues.
It's questions I can't answer - someone asked me at the doctor something about a health condition and it is not important and it doesn't matter but I will never know. I don't know what time I was born or anything. I've not explained that one well, I'm sorry!

What I do feel very strongly, and have since my mum died, is a sense of being different. Like that first Christmas when she died, I was on my own as my dad was still abroad and when I went back to school that January I realised how different my holiday was to everybody else's. I sometimes feel I've no comparison points at all. I'll feel it again in the future, as sadly some of my friends will start to have to deal with elderly parents and wills and stuff and I won't.

I don't know how to explain. I'm not bothered by people moaning about ILs or anything. I just wish I could identify more with others and didn't feel so isolated.

I hope you have a good Christmas, op. There are some of us out there and for all harsh words from other people, the truth is that people won't really understand.

Pikawhoo · 26/12/2016 16:45

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Just because other people have lost their parents too, or have crap ones, doesn't make it less of a loss for you.

You might consider taking part in befriending schemes for elderly people who are lonely (you can do things like host a tea, or volunteer to visit somebody regularly) which might mean that you forge friendships with older people who are also missing out on a connection with the younger generations.

curlylocks101 · 26/12/2016 16:57

By the time my brother and I were the age your children are now we didn't have any grandparents left (although did have a few close great aunts and uncles). Honestly, I've never felt that I missed out on anything and actually, when friends went through ill and dying grandparents I was glad not to have to go through that. I know my Mum wishes we had grandparents around though. Just wanted to give another perspective on it all.

PebbleInTheMoonlight · 26/12/2016 17:36

My husband grew up without grandparents and I can honestly say his childhood was no better or worse than mine growing up with grandparents on the doorstep.

Life is what you make of it, but viewing your life through someone else's experiences will rarely make you happy.

BumblebeeBum · 26/12/2016 17:36

I am a single Mum with no parents and no siblings. I try to make do with what we do have, and be everything my kids need. It's hard at times, I admit, but it is what it is.

reup · 26/12/2016 18:26

I'm in the same position as you OP and I think it's only human to feel that way.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 26/12/2016 18:31

My mother was abusive right the way through my childhood.

She was God awful for the short time I spoke to her as an adult.

There is no way I would let her near my kids ever.

I'm sorry for your loss and that you feel like your dc are missing out but you can't really compare the situations and decide that people should be grateful just because someone they share nothing but a bit of biology with are still here.

0nline · 26/12/2016 18:48

Your pain at the loss of grandparents and the absence of grandparents in your children's life is not a salve that will provide comfort, a lack of friction, or an antidote to awful behavoir for those that do have parents/grandparents. But not a very enjoyable version of them.

Hurt hurts. There are people with amputations and broken backs. This does not help the people who are purple in the face, hopping and swearing when they get a stubbed toe. It is not helpful, welcome, or particularly kind to start wagging fingers at the stubbed toe people, telling them they should be happy with their stubbed toe, cos at least they have a toe and are able feel pain in their extrmemties.