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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask whether anyone has recovered from a 'stranger' rape

106 replies

myoriginal3 · 24/12/2016 04:08

And if so how?
Time ?
Counselling?
Meds?

I am struggling massively. I just want to hear that I can get over this.

OP posts:
Chipsahoy · 24/12/2016 13:36

Yes. Therapy, time. Lots of time.

You have been deeply wounded, you need time and care to heal. You will heal. It will never go away, it's like grief, it will sometimes rear it's ugly head and knock you down, but less frequently and will less force. I was raped by a group of men 14yrs ago.
I can go weeks now without even thinking about it, sometimes months.

I am sorry for what happened but I have faith that you will get beyond it. Not over it, but past it

WomanWithAltitude · 24/12/2016 13:47

Recovery can mean different things to different people. I wouldn't say I ever 'got over' it, and I likely never will, but I have moved on with my life to the point where it doesn't affect me like it used to. It's not something I think about often now.

But it takes time to get to that point. The immediate aftermath is hellish, and feels like it will never end. Then you reach a point where people expect you to be over it already, but you aren't.

Counselling didn't help me. All it did was repeatedly dredge up feelings without giving me any tools to deal with them. What helped was surrounding myself with the people who were most supportive, and time.

You will get past this. Flowers

LoupGarou · 24/12/2016 14:02

Yes, I have. It was fifteen years ago. I was stranger gang raped, and then eight months later I was stranger raped again. Both happened during break ins to my house. The first time I could hear the phone ringing as it was happening, but I couldn't get to it to scream for help, I felt so powerless.

I didnt didn't think I would ever recover, I thought a lot about suicide and every time the phone would ring, or someone would knock on the door I would hide under the coffee table or in the TV cupboard sobbing. I would stay in there for hours afterwards. To say I was a mess was a massive understatement, I hadn't even begun to recover from the first rape when I was raped again. The one time I managed to persuade myself to walk two hundred yards outside to the post box I ends up hiding under a hedge sobbing for three hours as I became too paralysed with fear to move.

Mental health support didn't help at all, it made it worse, meds made it worse too. In the end I decided to tackle it myself. I became very angry and was determined not to let a few evil people ruin the rest of my life.

I read a book on PTSD called PTSD The Invisible Injury, I cant remeber who wrote it but it helped a lot. I refused to talk about it to anyone as I wanted to untangle the mess of my own feelings about it without people putting thoughts into my head, if that makes sense. I sat in silence with a cup of tea for hours each day just thinking about it, as mentally I kept shying away from it, trying to block the memories. It was torture at first, but very very very slowly, over months it started to get easier to think about.

After a year I took up a martial art and started learning how to better defend myself. It was very tough as it was the first thing I had made myself leave the house for, not to mention being in such close physical proximity to men. I had telephoned and spoken to the club leader before I attended, and explained as best I could why I wanted to go. They were fantastic, absolutely fantastic, such a supportive group of people. It helped so much and my self esteem started returning.

I had always had dogs, but at the time didn't have one, so after about a year and a half I got another dog, a guard dog. He also helped so much. He has sadly passed away now, and I have another guard dog who is equally wonderful.

As others have said, meeting my wonderful DH (about three years after) helped enormously, and not long after meeting him we left Europe and emigrated to North America. I learnt to shoot and joined a ladies gun club, and between that and my dog, I started feeling like I was evening up the odds a lot. I appreciate that gun laws are different in the UK.

Skipping to now, we have a wonderful toddler, and my DH is still my rock.
I still dislike anyone knocking on the door, or more to the point I hate realising there is someone unexpected on my doorstep, but it is an annoyance rather than sending me to pieces.
I still dislike the sound of a telephone ringing, but I can grit my teeth and put up with it. I can talk openly, even to strangers about what happened without it bothering me at all. Not long ago I gave a talk (at the request of the Principal) to our local high school about rape, recovery and the effects on victims, and answered questions afterwards, it didn't bother me either.

It has been a very long and exhausting road, with a lot of knocks along the way, but now the rapes are just another thing which happened in my life. A crap thing, but just another thing. You will recover in the end, sending Flowers for what you've been through. Hang on in there x.

(Should add that I used to post on mumsnet very regularly a few years ago, but have just reregistered)

LoupGarou · 24/12/2016 14:03

Sorry that was so long

SarcasmMode · 24/12/2016 19:33

Wow Loup what an inspiration you are. I'm in awe of your strength.

Are you a Jim Butcher fan btw? ^^

Clearlymyfault · 24/12/2016 20:00

I've never got over it. It was 19 years ago, but I have never told anyone in real life. I was fine for 11 years, denied it totally, then started having flashbacks. I've had EMDR but was unable to complete it because I couldn't tell the male psychologist what had happened.

I was held at knifepoint and raped whilst he called me all sorts of filthy names and then spat on me. I was 17.

If I had dealt with it at the time I think I may have recovered. Now it is too late. Don't make my mistakes.

Milklollies · 24/12/2016 20:06

The rapist should have his head removed from his body. End of. He attacked a child after he attacked you? Humanity doesn't need him. Before anyone accuses me of being a 'feminazi' or whatever deregoraty term you have up your sleeve.... I'm a man and in an overpopulated world like this- we can afford to loose criminals like the one who attacked OP. Never stop fighting for justice OP. Flowers and a nod.

LoupGarou · 24/12/2016 20:16

Sarcasm thank you, more perseverance and time than strength I think, but thank you all the same. I'd never heard of him but we used to live in very remote northern Quebec, and there were a lot of folk tales and legends, hence the name.

Lovelybangers · 24/12/2016 20:16

I'm sorry to hear this OP.

Even sorrier that I can't offer any help or advice. :(

However mumsnet is a wonderful place to get some support and ideas on how to move past this.

Sending positive thoughts to you x

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin · 24/12/2016 20:32

So sorry to hear this has happened to all of you. These men are absolute scum. You, on the other hand, are some of the most amazing people on the planet, your resilience is awe inspiring.
OP, are you in London? You could try the Havens, if not Rape Crisis is very good, I refer a lot of my patients there and hear good things.

yellowfrog · 24/12/2016 20:36

Just wanted to send you hugs and support.

Coldilox · 24/12/2016 20:56

Did you have any luck with the number I gave you when you posted before?

Not been through it myself but have worked with many women (and men) who have, and they have been able to move on. Everyone needs to find their own way. Lots of good advice here.

Take care x

Athenajm80 · 24/12/2016 21:06

Oh mate, hugs to you and to everyone on this thread (reading of posting) who has been abused.

I was raped, not stranger rape, but a friend of a family member. It didn't affect me at first, I think I disassociated myself from what was happening cause even straight after I was more kind of 'huh so that's what it's like' than crying etc. My aunt (fucking bitch) told me that if I had really been raped I would be hysterical, showering, etc. I was 13yrs old. Now I know that different people handle it in different ways, and I had already learned disassociation as a way of coping when my mum died. Anyway, sorry, it started to affect me loads when I tried to have a normal sex life when I got older, but eventually I have moved on from it and it doesn't really get to me anymore.
You WILL get better. Get rid of that piece of shit partner of yours, he is toxic and scum. You deserve better. Like someone else said, write down any questions you want to ask the MH team. Do you have any female friends/family members who can come and be with you? The suggestion of a self-defence class was great, maybe as you get better. Don't think you're not strong though, you are. You are a stronger person than the piece of shit who raped you, you are better than him and you will beat this and therefore beat him.
You have the support of all of us on here, we are always here for you. Whenever you feel like you're falling apart or need someone to back you up, just post on here and I'm sure many people will help you.

SarcasmMode · 24/12/2016 23:04

Still amazing Loup!

Will have to look that up sounds very interesting.

myoriginal3 · 25/12/2016 02:48

Thank you all so much. I tried to avoid this thread hah. That's how illogical my behaviour is these days!

Cordilox. I couldn't get through to that number. I have some sort of bundle on my phone where I can ring all bar locall numbers. I must get additional credit and try again thanks.

I love the suggestion of martial arts. I used to do karate when younger and enjoyed it.

I think I may have been drugged so I wouldn't have been able to defend myself anyway but it will help my self esteem.

Wrt the mental health team, their immediate priority is getting me into rehab (alcohol addiction) now. My keyworker from lifeline (addiction service) is fabulous. They are all aware but I gather they want to address the alcohol issue first and then refer as appropriate to deal with my myriad of issues! Hah.

To the man who posted, thank you genuinely. Your post means a lot for some reason!

To the fabulous adorable gorgeous ladies who have taken your Time to share your horrible experiences, thank you thank you thank you. You have put some logic on the whole thing. I hate when people say ,you'll get over it'. What you guys have said makes more sense to me.

OP posts:
myoriginal3 · 25/12/2016 02:59

Aaargh. Stupid phone stopped as usual. Thank God I had posted half!
I had another essay written and it crashed!
Anyway to summarize I guess I am going into rehab very soon. I was supposed to go Friday but I couldn't get anywhere due to vomiting so next assessment is Wednesday. I will write down all your book recommendations as I won't have internet access there. It's good to hear what has actually helped you all, rather than 'recommended by some randomer.

OP posts:
myoriginal3 · 25/12/2016 03:06

Hah, I'm learning. Sorry for split message but I'm at war with this phone so am trying to outwit its sabotage attempts!
Basically I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you so much. I feel a little more 'carried'. I will hold all of you in my mind when I next venture out and I think I will feel well 'carried'. And woe betide some poor unsuspecting soul who looks crooked at me lol.

I know the day that's in it so I'll finish for now by wishing you all a merry Christmas and a SAFE CHRISTMAS.

XXXXXXXXX

OP posts:
myoriginal3 · 25/12/2016 03:11

Oh, lastly, the dead weight prick of a 'partner' has gotten his p45. I know that the mh team will embolden me should I waiver on that!!! Smile

OP posts:
myoriginal3 · 25/12/2016 03:29

Final post! I think I failed to thank the posters who offered either just hugs, support, flowers or their professional experience. Thank you. It means so much to me, each and every single one of you who have selflessly given of your time.

Now I'm off to find whoever else Rudolph seems to have woken for the day!

Flowers to you all

OP posts:
Shiningexample · 25/12/2016 09:18

Lots of love and warmest wishes myoriginal🍀🌈🌞🌞

AutumnStorm · 25/12/2016 10:12

Myoriginal3 - I live in London, if you need someone to talk to or go with you to an appointment or anything at all.... i am here & will go with you if you need some support x

myoriginal3 · 25/12/2016 13:49

Autumn thank you. The home treatment team will be visiting. My next pressing engagement is Wednesday ie trying to get to appointment to go into rehab. Thank you so much for the offer. I may need to take you up on it. X

OP posts:
xmaspost · 25/12/2016 14:00

NC for this post. Flowers for OP. I've read through the thread, and wanted to give a reply based on my experience.

  1. You will "recover", like all us other posters on this thread. (Personal: I can't change what has happened to me, but strangely I think I am a stronger person today)
  1. Try use the official support systems as much as possible, it has been valuable for many people (Personal: I did not, I should have done so).
  1. Don't expect too much from police, the sad reality is that very few sexual assaults result in satisfactory outcome for victims (Personal: I found the police kind, but very ineffective. Partially my own fault in when/how I reported, lack of details and evidence, etc).
  1. Friends are important. Your partner sounds terrible ... this document is useful for partner (Personal: I was alone at the time, but after meeting DH years later this was helpful for him and me. I want him to fully understand what happened, he wants to understand and be supportive for me)

www.capefearpsych.org/documents/Rape-mensguide.pdf

  1. You did nothing wrong, there is nothing you could have done. 100% fault is with the rapist. These are evil people...and all too many of them in the world (Personal: I partially blamed myself for a while, why did I not fight more, why did I not scream, did I say no? did he know me? etc. ... I now see clearly this was wrong)
peanut2017 · 25/12/2016 15:04

You are all such brave, amazing women and I'm in awe of you all! OP not sure what to say other than its shit what you have been and are going through. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you - it has to be one of the worst things that can happen to a person!

chitofftheshovel · 25/12/2016 15:57

autumn your kindness has made me well up on behalf of OP, well done and what's better is that you wouldn't have offered if you didn't mean it which makes you a very good person. OP you have a good support base in this person.

You can get through this, I've done so by burying my head in the sand, perhaps not the best way of dealing with it, and not sure I would recommend it, but it's got me through.

Rehab first for you lovely, things may feel better after that, I hope so.