No gift for Gran

[Squiff85]

Trying to keep this short, my Gran has 2 kids, my Mum & my Uncle.

Not a great relationship with my Uncle, his wife & kids - nothing bad happened but they don't make much effort at all with her.

Her memory is going, she is 88 and in this last years its become apparent. Names are difficult sometimes, birthdays slip her mind, certainly nothing deliberate just her age/perhaps onset of dementia.

Subsequently she has forgotten a couple of their birthdays when she would previously send a card& £20.

They came to see her this week and brought her a card but no gift. They left presents for my kids, but nothing at all for her.

She is sad, and I feel cross. AIBU? It seems very petty to me.

Can you not get her one and say they forgot and here it is? They're really mean.

Thats actually a great idea! Thanks!

I'd buy her a little something "from them". And then read them the riot act.
You sound lovely and considerate.

How horrible not to get her anything! She's his mum!

I agree that for her sake that a little "oh they left this here by mistake" might be best. And maybe "forget" your uncles presents from now on.

That really is awful of them, I second the PP if you could get her something and convince her it's from them.

No you shouldn't get her present from him, on his behalf because he didn't. His relationship with his mum,however it looks from the outside, is his relationship - it's not up to you to fix it, judge it or soften it.

I loved my granny a lot, we had a brilliant relationship, I cared for her towards the end of her life, she lived into her hundreds - she loved my kids, hugged and kissed them, loved watching them dance and sing silly songs. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better granny but she wasn't so hot as a mum. She had difficult relationships with her kids, she was a "colder" person with them, she wasn't a hugger/kisser/talker when they were growing up. Everyone has different relationships in a family, just be thankful your one with her is good.

Very much with wigglesrock the relationship you have with her is a good one, you don't know enough about why they didn't give a present, but interfering is not a good a long term solution.

If you want to get her something to make her happy, do it, but do it from you or your kids, not from someone who doesn't know you're doing it.

How nasty of him, yes get something for poor Gran, Uncle forgot it, and tear him a strip off him, nasty pig!

Don't assume because your gran is getting forgetful that it can be the onset of dementia. Older people can develop pernicious anaemia caused by Vit B12 deficiency which can cause memory loss. Try to get her to the GP for a blood test.

I feel sorry for your poor gran, what a son he turned out to be.

That's awful. My Nan stopped presents for the adults but still gave to the kids. The last few years I had to do it for her and get her to just sign the cards and put the money in for her. I still bought for her as she was my nan and did a lot for me over the years. It gave me pleasure to get her something nice. My MIL doesn't get anything for her kids, she can't afford to but we still get her something too. People shouldn't give to receive.

Also, my Nan died just before Christmas a couple of years ago. We had already got her to sign the cards and put money in them for her great nephews. We decided to still put the cards under the tree for Christmas Day. My nephew opened the card, read it and said 'what! How the hell did that happen'. It made us laugh at what was a difficult Christmas due to losing her.

We said she must have sent them off to Santa before she died.

I think wiggles makes an interesting point. I know my DSSis and DSBro would have little to do with their mother if it were not for their own children. She was awful to them- physically and emotionally abusive. Now she is sweetness and light as a granny. I often wonder if she remembers that we know what happened back then.

Anyway, I'd be wary of getting involved.

Does your uncle know that she is losing her memory? It does seem very petty for him to deliberately not buy her a gift because she forgot his children's birthdays. He might think she is being vindictive due to the lack of visits when in actual fact she might not be well. Sounds to me like he may not actually realise she might be ill, especially if he doesnt see her much. Maybe pick up the phone and have a conversation with him. The presents don't have to be mentioned.