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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel i must be the only parent with a child who doesn't do xmas

32 replies

Xmaslover · 23/12/2016 20:11

Really down at the minute, single parent to 10 year old. He has never been excited about xmas or never wanted to do anything Christmas related.
He doesn't even get excited about presents.
Christmas Day will be just me and son and he has limited diet so we just eating what we normally eat
I must be the only parent with a child who has never got xmas or doesn't seem bothered about it.
Really sad as everyone posting xmassy status about their kids and where they have gone for trip out and what their faces will be like xmas day
Am I the only one?

OP posts:
UnicornInDMboots · 23/12/2016 20:13

No Christmas here ! But we are of a different religion. But no Sunday is Sunday to us

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 23/12/2016 20:15

What does he like, OP? Could you make the day about that?

Original poster
Xmaslover · 23/12/2016 20:16

He likes minecraft and YouTubers that's about it

OP posts:
Liara · 23/12/2016 20:17

We don't do Xmas. Well, no presents, we do do a turkey (we did it today, actually, because it suited me better than Sunday) and a tree and random candle related decorations.

We had xmas with family a couple of years ago, all the usual stuff. The following year I asked them if they wanted to go again and they said yes please but only after xmas. I asked if they had not enjoyed the presents and so on and they said no, they much preferred the way we do it at home, but would love to see the family but not for xmas.

I find it rather lovely myself.

SabrinaTheTeenageBitch · 23/12/2016 20:19

My daughter is autistic and is exactly the same. Christmas is a bit of a non event for us to be honest. It's sad but I kind of just accept it now Flowers for you

SaltyMyDear · 23/12/2016 20:20

Both my sons with Aspergers don't do Christmas.

Makes our lives (and our bank balance) much easier.

FATEdestiny · 23/12/2016 20:22

You could "do christmas" for yourself and just tag him along.

You decorate the free, see if you can get him to put the star and a few decorations up.

Try ice skating together.

Pull a cracker or three.

Go out somewhere together on Christmas Day. Even if it's just a walk. Or watch Christmas tv together.

Luggage16 · 23/12/2016 20:26

my 6 year old would happily ignore Christmas (awaiting ASD assessment). It is hard but like others have said try and make it special for you. Favourite foods, favourite telly, nice long bath etc. If he wants to chill playing minecraft then let him but make sure you do the same and spend time doing something you enjoy too.

BrightonBelleCat · 23/12/2016 20:29

I'm with the others. My dd gets very stressed over Christmas. She is looking forward to opening the new pokemon game and then will go off and play with it. Other members of my family tut at this, but you know what it's Christmas, I would rather her be happy than the whole family have to suffer because she can't cope with it. She does have Sen.

Rainydayspending · 23/12/2016 20:35

Christmas is a minor blip in this house (cultural/ lentil knitting tendencies). What could you both do to make an annual tradition for the two of you to enjoy?
Bike ride?
Annual mega lego build together (my highly grown up friend still does that with parents for Christmas)?
Some sort of reading / movie marathon?

StillTryingHard · 23/12/2016 20:40

There's still plenty of time to do Christmas - plenty of people don't start doing Christmassy things until c Eve. Your DS may enjoy some of the aspects he doesn't know about yet. Could you buy new PJs for both of you and have your ordinary breakfast in those, but a posher version IYSWIM. and get some minecraft pressies and play with them and watch some films?

RhodaBorrocks · 23/12/2016 20:45

My DS with ASD (9.5) said to me tonight that he's not as excited as some of his friends are. He likes presents and he loves a roast dinner so we're lucky with that, we don't have a massive family and don't go visiting, any family comes to my DParents house. My XP has fucked off home to Australia for good so we don't have to deal with his shit for the second year running Xmas Grin.

Everyone is considerate of DS needs and if anyone says anything they will be asked to FTFO in no uncertain terms. He too likes to go off and play quietly. I have chronic health issues and get overwhelmed so it's assumed I'll go and sleep in the guest room for a few hours.

Generally we have a really relaxed day - more like a Sunday with a slap up meal and presents basically. Last year i only took 1 pic of DS opening presents because I don't see the need to splash it over social media really. I know he loved them (the fact that a year on he's still playing with them speaks to that). Boxing day is when we have family and do more and DS and I aren't expected to join for everything.

As long as you and your DC enjoy it then that's the main thing. Sod what anyone else thinks. Just make it yours.

YeOldMa · 23/12/2016 20:45

My DD hated Christmas as a child. It just highlighted all that she felt was wrong with her life. She hated feeling that every body was looking at her when she opened her presents and she didn't do false gratitude if she didn't like something so would upset people. She thought they were most unreasonable. She hated my DSC having their Dad when she couldn't have hers, she hated Christmas food, noise and just about everything. She was a little black cloud and the day would usually end in tears leaving all of us feeling somewhat let down. When she left home, Christmas was banned in her house. Now she has a child things are a little better for the sake of her very excited child but she still hates it.

Isadora2007 · 23/12/2016 20:48

Just because he doesn't want to do things doesn't mean you can't. You can have a special meal. You can put up a tree. Maybe you could volunteer at a youth group or other organisation to be involved with other Christmas activities. Or join a choir or music group?

moosemama · 23/12/2016 20:49

As others have said, sometimes you just have to take the decision to reframe things in a way that works for you. My eldest has ASD and while he enjoys some aspects of Christmas (ie new computer games and gadgets) he finds all the build up and excitement overwhelming and needs plenty of quiet alone time to cope.

We spend the day at home, with just my parents dropping in for a quick present drop-off in the morning and have our typical Sunday lunch, rather than a traditional Christmas meal and keep the whole thing as low pressure for ds1 as possible. We also incorporate some things that aren't Christmassy for other people, but we know make him happy eg pancakes and smoothies for breakfast on Christmas morning.

The important thing to remember is that it doesn't have to be all about him. Make a list of the things you like to do. Christmas movies, a box of chocs or luxury ice-cream, manicure, facial, long bath, fluffy socks and pjs etc and reframe the Christmas period as a time to treat yourself. Play Christmas music and dance while you do the dishes - if he doesn't like it he can always go to his room (or you could use headphones).

If you want to share some Christmassy stuff with him, ask what Christmas videos his favourite youtubers have put up and watch them with him. Both my boys love this and even if it does bore my socks off most of the time it is good for bonding.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 23/12/2016 20:52

I think you should do what makes you happy at xmas. I do the 'christian' thing - even though I'm not religious - because that's what mum and dad did.

xmas is about family in my book. All 3 sisters share the days out and cater for our immediate family. We don't 'do' presents except for my 2 kids. Once you have reached 21 you don't get pressies anymore and that works fine for us.

I took a huge hamper and unwanted toys to Women's Aid shelter as they need a break. Made me feel better rather than spend cash on plastic shite and xmas cards.

cherryblossomcarpet · 23/12/2016 20:53

YeOldMa I was exactly the same as your dd. Before I got married I used to go into the office and work every xmas as it was a great day to get loads done without being interrupted. I have kids now so make xmas special for them, but if I didn't I'd still give it a miss.

Now I'm old I appreciate my lack of enthusiasm was a big upset for my mum who is very religious, and loves xmas. I kind of feel bad about that.

Birdsgottafly · 23/12/2016 20:56

My DD was the same, she has Autistic traits (and other stuff).

Since she got older, she more enjoys making cocktails and getting snacks together to watch a film, whilst off college.

Or going to the Christmas Markets and having a drink.

Your children are 'Adult Children' a lot longer than 'children children', so things will improve.

cherrycrumblecustard · 23/12/2016 20:59

Sometimes, it's hard creating traditions and blah blah if you can sense no enthusiasm from participants!

YouTheCat · 23/12/2016 20:59

My dd is 21 and an Aspie. She's struggling to find any 'Christmas spirit'. It's fair enough. Our Christmases have always been quite low key anyway with nice food and some gifts. She doesn't get made to do anything much and just chills out.

I don't think there's any need to go over the top. Just make sure it's a pleasant time where you all get to do what you want just with added quality street.

cherrycrumblecustard · 23/12/2016 21:02

To be honest as well I think sometimes when you do your thing it kind of becomes Christmas.

When I think of Christmas as a little girl I see our lounge with all the coffee tables our and quality streets sparkling and coronation street on the tv and the Christmas tree and all the naff decs.

I guess it's the same for my DC, just not through a cloud of cigarette smoke Grin

Eliza22 · 23/12/2016 21:04

My son has autism. He's 16 now. He's NEVER done Christmas/presents/trees and tinsel/family get togethers. He's upstairs now. We have no tree, no gift for him as he has stated categorically, he doesn't want anything (he did get a soundbar for his new wall mounted TV a couple of weeks ago so please, don't feel too badly for him). I was a single mum from him being 4yrs to age 10yrs. It was hard. But, the alternative was a totally overloaded ds who was still shunning Xmas gifts....in May!

Relax OP. There's sooo much pressure to "do" Christmas and all that festive cheer. It's just a day. Do what the two of you are happy with. You'll be fine love. And, you're NOT alone xx

gillybeanz · 23/12/2016 21:18

All my kids do xmas 2 have aspergers and love it, which just proves how they all differ.
However, my dh doesn't like xmas and is usually quite down as he had a horrendous childhood. he finds it hard to relate to any greediness and at times even though he does try hard for the kids, it isn't the wonderful time I would like.
We have learned to live with less than jovial as it's who he is and as the dc have got older they understand much better.
We do celebrate though, so I'm sorry for those on their own who would love to celebrate. Thanks

Kennington · 23/12/2016 21:25

We don't do much either. Dh is not from the uk and they don't make such a fuss over there.
We have a twig with baubles and child gets one present for about 20 quid.
Lunch is with family but not really Christmassy.

PhilODox · 23/12/2016 21:42

My eldest has AS, she just finds Christmas so stressful, and gets very anxious about the whole thing. (had 3 meltdowns trying to get a tree this year).
My DC like the roast dinner (youngest asked for a roast tomorrow too! Hmm) and mostly like the presents. However, both get anxious about presents, the not knowing aspect, and now they know the truth about Father Christmas, it has become much less difficult for them.
We have very low-key, laid-back Christmases in any case.