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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sorry another DH issue. Probably BU!

22 replies

SimplyChoco · 23/12/2016 16:08

DH spends an awful lot of his time on his phone when at home messaging, surfing and general stuff like that which is a bit of sore point between us. I've never snooped on him (see below!) or what he does but I do get upset at how much time he spends typing away and not talking to me in the evenings.

Yesterday afternoon (were both off work for Xmas with the kids) he left his phone open when he popped to get a drink for one of the little ones and I happened to notice that one of the whatsapp groups he was chatting on had the group icon a what looked like a female stripper in Christmas lingerie and fishnets. I quickly opened the group and saw it was his work mates chatting the usual work and drinks organising stuff bit also agreeing that the new group icon was "a bit of alright". DH was one of the ones saying he liked the look of her.

AIBU or pull him up on it? If so, how do I do it without making it look like I was checking up on his phone? I don't look like the girl in the picture at all and I think this is one of the reasons we are having a low moment in our relationship. I'm pretty emotional at the moment due to Christmas so might be blowing this all out of proportion!

OP posts:

LuisSuarezTeeth · 23/12/2016 16:14

I think you're over thinking it. Just tell him he is being ignorant and put the phone down.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 23/12/2016 16:16

It's his phone. I see it as the equivalent of me saying Tom Hardy is hot really. I think yabu, sorry!

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2016 16:19

It's just an icon? Not great objectifying women but honestly, I've said worse about Hugh Jackman in earshot of my DH. Thing is, I normally add, "of course you're better looking than him" which he laughs at.

I get the impression that you don't feel like your DH feels that way about you. Neglected, unattractive and sad is the feeling I get. How much of that is your DH and how much is you?

Scooby20 · 23/12/2016 16:20

I agree with champagne.
And you were snooping. So why preened you weren't?

Scooby20 · 23/12/2016 16:21

pretend

Figure17a · 23/12/2016 16:25

It sounds like you do have cause to be put out with your DH's behaviour but the icon isn't one IMO.

Hullygully · 23/12/2016 16:37

shove it up his jacksie

user1482343889 · 23/12/2016 16:46

I think you need to be firm about phones/devices down for family time. How is he going to get a fulfilling relationship if he is always busy with the outside world.

user1482343889 · 23/12/2016 16:48

Meant to say you guys

Bunnyfuller · 23/12/2016 16:48

He thinks a scantily clad female is attractive? LTB.

GirlOverboard · 23/12/2016 16:51

You shouldn't be snooping on him. And he's allowed to find other women attractive. There's plenty of threads on MN where women perve over their male celebrity crushes and that's not called objectifying.

The excessive amount of time spent on his phone is your only problem here. So long as it really is excessive usage as opposed to you just being paranoid at who he's talking to (as you sound quite jealous and insecure in your OP).

TheCatsMother99 · 23/12/2016 16:57

Really? Really?!

I can't actually see that he's done anything wrong. He's not allowed to comment on a nearly naked woman looking 'nice' to his workmates?

Christ, if my DH saw the convos I have with my friends about channing tatum, Idris Elba or any fit man with a pulse for that matter and thought like you then he would have left me years ago.

Original poster

SimplyChoco · 23/12/2016 18:22

That's all, kind of knew I was BU but so tired at the mo I'm not thinking right.

But just to say to those saying that they say worse about men they fancy, really? Don't you find that disrespectful to your partners? I'm not sure I'm like that, don't think I've ever thought about anyone (famous or nowt) sexually like that and certainly not voiced it to anyone else!

OP posts:

Scooby20 · 23/12/2016 19:59

Most people notice other people's looks.

You may not. Doesn't mean your dh should do the same. Voicing it in a private converstation with friends isn't disrespectful Imo.

Do you really find him finding other women attractive, disrespectful? Or is it OK if he does but isn't allowed to say it to his friends?

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2016 20:05

Oh cmon, you think you're having a low moment because you don't look like the women in the icon? You can't really think that can you? That he doesn't fancy you because he fancies the woman in the pic? 🙄

Do you honestly think no other man is good looking other than your husband? It doesn't mean you would act on it, but honestly, you never think a mans good looking just your husband?

I have to say, yes it's unusual and unreasonable you feel this way, his comment is simply a comment.it is no reflection on you.

nichito · 23/12/2016 20:05

It's not disrespectful to one's partner (nor anyone else) to have sexual thoughts!

It's involuntary! The vast, vast majority of people (male and female) do not cease to be sexually attracted to other people when they have a partner. If you do OP then you are in a tiny minority. It's (of course) what one does or doesn't DO with that attraction that is the issue.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2016 20:06

You've never had sexual thoughts about anyone but your DH? Ever?

Rainydayspending · 23/12/2016 20:11

You're being confused by a new problem over the really grind you down/ damsging family time one. You presumably knew he enjoys chatting to mates who objectify women already (or has he changed). But that isn't what you originally are pissed off at.
Constantly on devices is a very relationship killing communication problem / priority problem. You need to clearly explain he needs to atop being so rude. Set aside phone time and set aside family and couple time WITHOUT a device.

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2016 20:12

Its not a financial dominatrix (which i would be much more concerned about after reading up on them) just a glamour model

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2016 20:14

Lol. That copy paste is from the thread on the seventeen year old buying boots,,,it should have been >> If you do OP then you are in a tiny minority.

TheCatsMother99 · 23/12/2016 23:00

I don't think me oogling men in a private conversation between my friends is disrespectful to my DH, no. And if he wants to say another woman is fit, or whatever, in a private conversation between his friends then I'm not offended either. That's life, you find people attractive and you may comment on it to your friends. Neither of us are running off in to the sunset with the other attractive person.

haveacupoftea · 24/12/2016 01:13

This is why private conversations should stay private, we should all have a bit of privacy to be ourselves and we dont just stop being human once we find a partner!

I wonder if you have a friendship group of your own - as if you did surely you'd be party to the odd chat about hot guys on TV - and if you don't, is that part of why your self esteem is low?

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