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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to send Christmas card back to DM with not known at this address

76 replies

Jessesbitch · 23/12/2016 11:55

DM has sent a Christmas card to Mr & Mrs Hisname. I don't use his name and I've told her countless times not to do this. She says she's just being respectful to him. But she's disrespecting me! The kids have my name too. Aghhhhh.

OP posts:

JoffreyBaratheon · 23/12/2016 15:51

It's not generational. In in my 50s and my generation were amongst the first ones to embrace the whole idea of not taking your husband's name. I wouldn't dream of using a man's name - and don't get it why other women do (unless their original surname is 'Bottom' or something).

Blossomdeary · 23/12/2016 15:55

Just ignore it - she is stuck in the past - let her lie there and rise above it.

Blossomdeary · 23/12/2016 15:58

On this topic - when I was first married (1970) my OH was a student and I was working - I received a tax form to fill in and filled it in with my income. From duly returned to me saying my OH had to fill it in - hmmm...OK we duly did that and , since he had no income every section said £0. Form returned to me once more with the info that OH had to fill it in "as if he was me"!!!!! How times have changed!

redfairy · 23/12/2016 16:01

Oh goodness! I get this ALL THE TIME!
At worst I am irritated by it. Just let it go unless you genuinely think your mum is plotting ways to deliberately upset you.

Namechangeemergency · 23/12/2016 16:02

joffery you have hit on the reason why I took my OH's name
I wasn't a Bottom but I had a name I couldn't wait to get rid of.

And I agree ...I am almost 50. 50 somethings were the Punks and the women of Greenham Common!

JoffreyBaratheon · 23/12/2016 16:13

NameChange there were folk down my street called 'Bottom' and I knew someone at school called 'Raper'. I'd change that name in a heartbeat. Or any ugly name. Greenham Common - that's us! I hate the ageist assumptions on display here.

SilentBatperson · 23/12/2016 16:28

If my name was Raper, I'd not have waited until marriage to change it. And I got married quite young!

chocolateisnecessary · 23/12/2016 16:38

Every card from relatives this year has been 'Mr and Mrs' with his name. We've been married 10 years. One of his aunts scrubbed out 'Mr' to fix with 'Dr' and I felt even more invisible.
I haven't said anything as it's picking a fight. Does it make me scream? Yes and I see them less because of it now I think.
Next year I'm getting name address labels printed with both our names on and sending all cards Dec 1.

RortyCrankle · 23/12/2016 16:57

I think it would be petty to return it. In the scheme of things how important is it when the envelope will be binned upon being opened. It's not like it's etched into something you will be forced to see every day.

TheProblemOfSusan · 23/12/2016 17:05

What about addressing all future cards to her in her maiden name? Petty but might hammer the point home.

I recently married and have been Mrs and Wrong Named a lot. I've corrected it every time. I put in our bloody wedding invitations that I wouldn't be changing my name and people are still doing it.

If I was Dr and got Mrs that would piss me off even more, mind. Send it back but with "not at this address, there's only a Dr YourName here" just to be really really really certain she gets it

NancyJoan · 23/12/2016 17:13

Does she use his surname on envelopes for cards that are just to you, for your birthday for eg.?

S1lentAllTheseYears · 23/12/2016 17:18

Pretty crap from your mum.

More distant rellies/friends etc, fine, it's sometimes hard to remember who's called what and tempting to just write the easiest option on the envelope.

Sounds like your mum is making a point. Might be better to just ignore tbh. It's almost as if she wants you to keep correcting her so she can keep on doing it anyway!

ConvincingLiar · 23/12/2016 17:19

It's annoying. I take it up with people who should know and let it go for people who don't know/care. It pisses me off more when the under 40s do it, not least because they're more likely to be my Facebook friend and know that my name didn't change on marriage.

Ilovewillow · 23/12/2016 17:21

Go for it, my Mil does this and it drives me crackers! She has sent us a cheque made payable to Mr and Mrs too!

PickledCauliflower · 23/12/2016 17:30

I wouldn't post it back - but I would tell her she is being a twat

haveyourselfamerry · 23/12/2016 17:41

I write my return address prominently on cards I send my mum. After about 12 years she gave in and stopped calling me MrsHisname.

haveyourselfamerry · 23/12/2016 17:42

Return address features correct name obviously..

Bragadocia · 23/12/2016 17:53

The worst are Mr and Mrs hisinitial hissurname; two of those this year from H's relatives. I will not open them myself, as they are not addressed to me!

My mother was born in '43, and she kept her birth surname. People have been doing it long enough that everyone should have caught up to this phenomenon by now.

SilentBatperson · 23/12/2016 18:47

The thing is, that's completely the wrong way to look at it. What OP will have to be aware of, every day, is that her mum thinks it's ok to disrespect her, which is what she's doing by deliberately using the wrong name, in order to engage in what she's decided is a show of respect to OPs DH. That won't go away once the cards have all been bunged in the recycling. And this is also why everyone in the thread who's claimed this is unimportant is wrong.

chocolateworshipper · 23/12/2016 20:37

All cards you send to her in the future should be signed from Dr Jessesbitch and Mr HisSurname

DangerousBeanz · 23/12/2016 20:43

I kept my own name. We get cards to Mr and Mrs Beanz Mr and Mrs Hisname Mr and Mrs Beanz Hisname Mr And Mrs Hisname Beanz and to Dangerous and OH and OH and Dangerous.
We think it's funny. He opens the ones addressed to Hisname and I open the ones to Beanz. We both answer to either if people get it wrong.

gingercat02 · 23/12/2016 21:03

I would be tempted but it's Christmas and she's your Mum. I generally do addresses to The Gingercat Family or Ginger Tabby and Family etc. Hopefully offends no one

SomePig · 23/12/2016 21:21

Till recently both DH and I were Dr (& we share a surname; he's just become a professor).

Envelopes my DM addresses to him came with "Dr SomePig".

Envelopes addressed to me came with "Ms SomePig" on the front (and it was a massive battle to get her to stop writing "Mrs SomePig" which I cannot stand).

Our doctorates are even from the same institution ...

Original poster

Jessesbitch · 24/12/2016 09:56

I didn't send it back. She would write a cheque to me using my proper name as she knows I wouldn't be able to cash it otherwise. I like the idea of signing all future cards Dr jessesbitch but I don't think it will make a difference.

OP posts:

Marynary · 24/12/2016 10:59

YANBU. I can't believe how many people think you should "let it go". It is so rude and disrespectful to deliberately call you by the wrong name. I didn't change my name on marriage and my own parents seem to have no problem understanding that my surname has not changed (they are in their eighties). DH's friends and family don't always remember which is fine as it's not deliberate but using the wrong name when you know the real name is very very out of order.
I probably wouldn't send it back this time but I would have a real go at her and warn her this is the last time you will accept it. Future post will go straight back. I did do this with a close relative of mine as I got so annoyed by it in the end (gentle reminders didn't work), especially as I was Mrs and DH was "doctor" as if his PhD counted and mine didn't. They didn't do it again.

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