AIBU to send Christmas card back to DM with not known at this address

[Jessesbitch]

DM has sent a Christmas card to Mr & Mrs Hisname. I don't use his name and I've told her countless times not to do this. She says she's just being respectful to him. But she's disrespecting me! The kids have my name too. Aghhhhh.

I had - from my ex mil
Mrs exdh initials and exdh surname!
Grrrrrrr
I just rise above it from my seat upon high and thought if that's what makes you happy....... it's given me and my friends a laugh!

As she wants to 'respect' your DP over you... how about you tell her that he is starting to get upset about the way she addresses the cards. That he thinks she is having a dig at him for not marrying you.

Obviously she wants to respect his feelings so you suggest that she addresses cards and envelopes to your first names instead.

Irritating, but Parr for the course with mothers.

My DDIL has kept her own surname since she and DS married - I have no problem writing their different names on an envelope - it's not rocket science.

Toastie we are married. I don't use his name.

That must be very annoying, but I think it best just to let it go, OP. Life's too short.

What does he say? He should be the one dealing with his mother.

In this case, your MIL knows, so she is being ridiculous. In other cases, it's a nightmare, it's not obvious at all who keeps their name and who doesn't. In the UK, its not too bad when the postmen deliver to an address rather than a name, but in other countries you do have to put a family name. How can people guess what surname to use.

'People don't do these kind of things to men do they??'

My husband is a Dr, these two envelopes came through this morning and they have his title wrong. I don't think either of us noticed though.

Its my mother not his!

It's rude of your dm. If she wrote a cheque for you or dc using your husbands name, or posted a parcel addressed to "mrs husbandsname" rather than "dr your name" you'd have to raise it as an issue as you wouldn't be able to cash that cheque/ pick up that parcel from the Post office.

But were they from his mum or dad?

YANBU.

Strongly tempted to do this with my own DM's cards. I have my husband's surname and use "Mrs".... but that's clearly not enough. She sends stuff addressed to "Mrs (husband's forename initial) Surname". Apparently that's what you do with married women - they don't even get to use their own initial.

NO IT'S NOT.

I have asked her not to do this and explained why not. She still does it, every time - after all, it's a point of principle, isn't it?!

Somebody please tell me IANBU.

Ah ok, I've been an idiot. Obv it makes even less sense if she'd been addressing the card to you as Mrs and you weren't even married

Send it back. She's trying to annoy you, so she'll be glad to know she's succeeded. If she says she's not trying to annoy you, then ask her why she's doing soemthing she knows will annoy you?

Does she think your DH is secretly upset that you don't use his surname? I would get him to tell her that he thinks she's being rude by addressing the cards to his name for you.

Nerrserr - three big differences - one I assume the surname on those cards is the one your husband uses - so not your maiden name or other completely different name? So it is addressed to him rebut just uses the incorrect title.

Two - presumably the cards are from acquaintances who don't know him well enough to know his full educational qualifications - not a very close family member who would be subject to how long it took and how much work was involved to become a Dr

Three - the cards are presumably from acquaintances who made an understandable mistake, not his own mother deliberately going against his expressed wishes

Send it back. I'm probably your mum's age but we're not living in 1852, FFS.

MIL does this to me. She is friends with me on facebook and contacts me via whatsapp so clearly know what my surname is but every card is Mrs Hissurname. We are married but I am not a Mrs although I would let that go, it's the fact that she can't even be bothered to write my actual name that grates.

Think you need to chill a bit! Plus I wouldn't address a card to Dr if it wasn't a professional matter, I'd be sending as a family member/friend not patient

Even better, put it in a new envelope addressed to her with her birth surname on it. I know you'd have to fork out for another stamp, but it would be worth it.

I do share a name with OH but our surname, not his first name.
I think its bloody rude to address cards and letters to mr and mrs hisfirstname and his surname.

I think people do it to prove they know how to address things correctly in the mistaken belief that this outdated rubbish IS correct.
It isn't.

Its only certain members of my family who do it. The ones that tend to think they are a bit posh.

Sometimes it's simply a misguided and outdated sense of etiquette, other times people are just doing it to be a dick.

Me and do are not even married and my mother sends cards addressed to Mr and Mrs dpfirstname dpsurname and buys him cards with 'son in law' on them. I must've missed the part where we got married 🤔

Make sure you address your christmas card to her as Ms & Mr her first name her maiden name

The cards were from our siblings so definitely close but they did get his surname right. I posted it to the 'people don't do this to men comment' just to say the Dr thing happens all the bloody time, people seem to forget it whatever the gender (I wonder if it's a PHD vs medical dr thing??). I do agree that a mum getting the title and surname wrong is bloody annoying.

Oh my OH is the same. He writes our cards and I have just noticed that, All of our married relatives get the Mr and Mrs on the envelope. The unmarried ones , just their first name.