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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh is being a knob, expecting me to be silent after a night out

104 replies

LardLizard · 23/12/2016 07:54

Ds went out last night, was driving so not drinking, got home about one
Got changed in the bathroom and was quite as a mouse got already for bed then slipped in bed

He was already huffing n puffing n sighing at this point

Then I went to text the friend, I was out with just av quick got home safe, as it's about a 45 min drive in the dark alone
Had to do it once iwas in bed, as my phone was out of charge
Otherwise I would have done it once I got on my drive before even getting in the house
Anyway dh had a fit about this saying how out of order I am etc
And basically going mad

Don't go out at night often really
Wasn't pissed
Was as quite as I possible could have been

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 23/12/2016 09:38

Don't go out. Stop pussyfooting around this bully and please don't encourage your children to pussyfoot around him either. He didn't want you to go out and he was waiting for you to come back. And now he's trying to make you feel worried and on edge and you're probably worrying that he will ruin Christmas. He is a first class cunt.

ScruffyTheJanitor · 23/12/2016 09:40

OP... If I was living with what you have described in you update... this bit here:

Got to out a stop to this somehow
Had enough of this sleeping non sense

Id suggest the somehow to be separate houses, separate lives.
Someone making you so uncomfortable with their strops that you feel the need to flee.... they're not the sort of partner I would want to spend any amount of my limited time with.

LimpidPools · 23/12/2016 09:43

I think we've already seen more evidence of controlling behaviour.

What should have been a minor issue (or not an issue at all) made the op so nervous that it upset her stomach.

Now her husband is going to be so unpleasant all day to punish her that she feels she had better spend it outside her home.

Do you spend a lot of time walking on eggshells OP?

DJBaggySmalls · 23/12/2016 09:52

Nice that he's happy to see you home safe...he's being an entitled knob.

HellonHeels · 23/12/2016 10:05

While I have sympathy for the poor sleepers on this thread (I have bouts of insomnia myself) I do think they have a responsibility to try to sort the issue out for themselves so it doesn't impact on their partners or result in controlling behaviours like making other adults go to bed when they don't want to.

HellonHeels · 23/12/2016 10:05

Oh and OP, your DH is a knob.

UnlikelyLou · 23/12/2016 10:10

When he's calmed down, the next day, explain to him why it's important to send the text and ask him what he thinks you should have done. This will make him think about how reasonable he was being.

Did he want you to get out of bed and text in another room, potentially waking him by getting up? Or would it have been better to text your friend in the morning instead? (Aren't you running the risk of just waking your friend up in the night anyway). I can understand that (as a light sleeper myself), it can be annoying and difficult to get back to sleep once woken up.

If he gives you a good alternative solution to having to send a text, then accept it and tell him you'll do it different next time. Point out that you thought you were doing the right thing and were not trying to annoy him, and that his response was not nice.

gamerchick · 23/12/2016 10:13

Fuck that, look him dead in the eye and tell him you're going to bed when you damned well please from now on and if he's going to be a cock all day because of his tantrum last night he can piss off out to work.

Needs sorting man, he's going on like a prick.

bigbuttons · 23/12/2016 10:18

He's a man- child OP. I'd seriously consider whether you can put up with him, whether he will make changes necessary for you to be happy or whether you would be better on your own.

passmethewineplease · 23/12/2016 10:20

He tells you when to go robbed? Hmm

Some replies on here are so dramatic, it was one night, OP wasn't pissed, she wasn't quiet as she could be.

He is being a dick OP, no reason to keep being shitty with you.

I hope you enjoyed your rare night out!

Dazydazy · 23/12/2016 10:21

This just sounds awful and horribly recognisable. It took me and my OH a long time to unpick all of the issues around nights out and sleep patterns, on both sides, and I have made the decision myself before now to get out of the house temporarily rather than row or endure atmospheres.

It was one of our biggest single sets of issues, but well worth resolving. Concessions had to be made on both sides. We worked very hard on it and I love the outcome - although hard work isn't always rewarded, and no two situations are the same.

The other evening, my OH even brought stragglers from her Xmas party back to ours (with a bit of warning, but not much) and I coped, including sorting the house out the next day when she was in no state. Four years ago, it would not have gone like that! I was unreasonably proud of myself for that one! But a long journey getting there.

passmethewineplease · 23/12/2016 10:21

Robbed - to bed! Don't know how my phone got that wrong

SilentBatperson · 23/12/2016 10:23

He's completely overreacting OP. Are you afraid of him?

sarahd100 · 23/12/2016 10:23

I am a particularly bad sleeper and prefer if my DP and I go to bed at the same time (but I never ask him to) so I do understand the annoyance of being woken up as I personally find it very hard to get to sleep BUT there is no need to be rude/ mean, especially when you've made the effort to be quiet and not disturb him.

Unfortunately when you live together, these things happen! YANBU - he may have just been cranky because he was tired, hopefully he won't hold a grudge today!

AmysTiara · 23/12/2016 10:28

He has no right to tell you to go to bed at the same time as him.

He sounds a right moody bugger op.

user1481838270 · 23/12/2016 10:31

Your DH really needs to put a stop to his childish behaviour.

However, some of the responses here are a bit melodramatic to say the least and and are more a reflection of the posters failed relationships than yours.

Redhound · 23/12/2016 10:33

What Limpid said. It sounds like emotional abuse, the controlling, making a fuss about minor issues, sulking to make OP feel bad. I've been there and very glad I am out of it now. My current partner has trouble sleeping but he would just have been pleased to see me back home and given me a cuddle.

Redhound · 23/12/2016 10:35

user148 once you have been in an abusive relationship the signs are glaringly obvious. Plus now I am in a normal relationship to compare healthy with unhealthy relationships.

AmysTiara · 23/12/2016 10:37

Tbh musicposy your posts do make you sound really controlling. Your DH must be incredibly nice to put up with that.

BringMeTea · 23/12/2016 10:50

I agree with memyself. I think part of it is annoyance at you having a night out. He is definitely controlling. Not pleasant.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 23/12/2016 11:12

He sounds very controlling.
Controlling men are very unhappy men who often find trumped up reasons to leave their partners in the end, and then they start the cycle again with their newest victim.
i'd get in there first and I would end the marriage.

user1480946351 · 24/12/2016 13:26

I'd just like to know what people's solution is? People have said it's controlling and not the answer, so what is the answer? If you are awake all night if disturbed and unable to function the next day, what's the solution?

Isn't it obvious? You talk and you work out a solution together, that involves compromise and caring. You act like adults in a proper relationship. You don't tell your partner that they have to do what you want, to suit you, no matter how it negatively affects them.

lougle · 24/12/2016 14:20

So your DH is working today, you know he gets really easily disturbed at night, yet you chose to disturb him by sending a text message at least as late as 01.15, if you got in at 01.00 then got changed for bed in the bathroom, etc? That doesn't sound very considerate. Relationships are a two way thing.

RB68 · 24/12/2016 14:41

I have a thing about sleep and hate being woken as I really struggle to go back to sleep and find it inconsiderate if anything more than into bed and off to sleep happens.

Phone wise do it downstairs - just means charger needs to be downstairs when you go out. Change downstairs and then go up. I do understand his grumpiness but also he needs to bear in mind if this is a one off that happens 2 or 3 times a year he has to suck it up - same as no doubt you do when situation is reversed.

user1480946351 · 24/12/2016 15:15

So your DH is working today, you know he gets really easily disturbed at night, yet you chose to disturb him by sending a text message at least as late as 01.15

He was already awake and complaining well before the text message, so what difference does that make?
Stop blaming the OP for her husbands bad behaviour.

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