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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh is being a knob, expecting me to be silent after a night out

104 replies

LardLizard · 23/12/2016 07:54

Ds went out last night, was driving so not drinking, got home about one
Got changed in the bathroom and was quite as a mouse got already for bed then slipped in bed

He was already huffing n puffing n sighing at this point

Then I went to text the friend, I was out with just av quick got home safe, as it's about a 45 min drive in the dark alone
Had to do it once iwas in bed, as my phone was out of charge
Otherwise I would have done it once I got on my drive before even getting in the house
Anyway dh had a fit about this saying how out of order I am etc
And basically going mad

Don't go out at night often really
Wasn't pissed
Was as quite as I possible could have been

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 23/12/2016 08:49

Mr Grumpy requires Santa to bring him ear-plugs and one of those frilly eye mask thingys!!

OP, you need to go to bed when you please. It's a relationship not a dictatorship!

WhoKn0wsWhereTheMistletoes · 23/12/2016 08:49

I agree that it's weird and unnecessary to text someone you have just spent the evening with but his reaction is totally out of proportion to the minor interruption to his sleep, even if he is one of those people (like me) who finds it hard to get back to sleep once woken.

ArgyMargy · 23/12/2016 08:51

The obvious answer here is separate bedrooms.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 23/12/2016 08:58

And I have to go to bed because if he goes to bed, then I go up say an hour or so snd wake him, by just slipping into bed he gets pissed off then as he says if he gets woken he can't get back to sleep

I'm like this. There is nothing worse than going to bed, spending ages trying to get to sleep, and then getting woken up shortly after. I can't get back to sleep after that, it's like I've had a power nap.

I would like to think that my DH would come to bed the same time as me in order to stop this happening, because he loves me. In reality, he does stay up later than me at least once a week.

Anyway, what I suppose I'm trying to say, is that it's not necessarily controlling behaviour, or if it is, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's controlling in other aspects. He just might be a bad sleeper who is trying to control his sleep.

Did that make any sense?

musicposy · 23/12/2016 09:00

You know that is incredibly controlling behaviour, right? He insists you go to bed when he wants you to, like a child? He complains about you daring to go out and make the slightest noise coming in ?

To be fair to the OP's OH, I'm not sure it is always about control. I'm just like this with DH, get him to come to bed with me and turn the light off at the same time, and I know he'd stay up much later if I didn't tell him to come up to bed. But it's really not about control. I'm a terrible sleeper - extremely light - and if he comes up after me I wake up and then am awake for hours afterwards. I then cannot function at all the next day. I know it's a pain for him, but he's understanding and accepts that this way we both get a night's sleep, for which I'm grateful. If he comes in late and disturbs me I am also very, very stroppy, even though in the cold light of day I know it isn't his fault and he's entitled to come in late if he's been out. So everything the OP's DH says about being woken rings entirely true to me - it sounds identical to the conversations I have with DH - and is nothing to do with being a controlling arsehole but everything to do with not being able to function at all on unbroken sleep.

If anyone has suggestions for me, I'll gladly take them and maybe the OP can try them with her DH!

coffeetasteslikeshit · 23/12/2016 09:00

If that happened to me, I'd have jokingly thanked you for waking me up, asked how your night was, given you a kiss goodnight & give back to sleep.

Lucky you for being able to get back to sleep.

user1480946351 · 23/12/2016 09:00

The obvious answer here is separate bedrooms

It really isn't. Unless you means separate bedrooms in their own houses after the divorce

user1480946351 · 23/12/2016 09:02

To be fair to the OP's OH, I'm not sure it is always about control. I'm just like this with DH, get him to come to bed with me and turn the light off at the same time, and I know he'd stay up much later if I didn't tell him to come up to bed. But it's really not about control

It is. And its just as bad you doing it to your husband as the OP's husband is doing it to her. Adults don't order other adults to bed. If you're a poor sleeper, the answer isn't to make him sleep when you want to.
You're being kinda abusive too.

ScruffyTheJanitor · 23/12/2016 09:02

coffeetasteslikeshit
I would like to think that my DH would come to bed the same time as me in order to stop this happening, because he loves me.

See I think there's a difference between:

Coffee: "I think i'll go up"
Coffees OH: "I'll come now so I don't disturb you"

And
Coffee: "Time for bed, come on, don't want you disturbing me"
Coffees OH: "But I want to watch Netflix and i'm not tired"
Coffee: "Tough"

one is your OHs choice, the other isn't, sounds like OP isn't getting that choice. IYSWIM

musicposy · 23/12/2016 09:04

Cross post, coffee!

Yes, I'm just a bad sleeper trying to get some sleep and DH does his best because he loves me. We have had arguments in the past but generally, if I do what the OP's DH did and get irrationally cross at being disturbed, I say sorry in the morning, he says sorry for disturbing me and we move on.

musicposy · 23/12/2016 09:10

Scruffy, I don't think there is a difference. If DH wants to stay down and watch TV because he's not tired I will protest and say I need him to come up because I know that otherwise it means a night awake for me. It would be nice, I guess if he did the former, but mostly he doesn't and I tell him to come up. We honestly wouldn't still be together otherwise because I really cannot cope with being woken up and spending the night awake (it will often be 6am before I drop off again and then I have to get up by 7 or 7.30 most days for work). I absolutely cannot function like that. We've been married nearly 25 years and I know he doesn't think I'm a controlling arsehole!

SilentBatperson · 23/12/2016 09:11

How is quietly getting into your own bed being a nuisance? hmm

When you make enough noise coming in, plugging in a charger and sending a text to disturb your partner, whom you know has trouble getting back to sleep when waken. Obviously.

MagicChicken · 23/12/2016 09:11

He shouldn't be dictating what time you come to bed but to be fair I am a terrible sleeper and if DH wakes me by coming to bed later than me thats my whole nights sleep totally ruined and I am wide awake for the next three hours while snores his head off. So I do have some sympathy with him there.

user1480946351 · 23/12/2016 09:12

No, you're more than that. He wants to stay up later than you, and you don't let him, for your own needs. You know its a pain for him and you've had arguments, so despite knowing this does not work for him, you insist anyway because it suits you.
Clearly he loves you, but do you love him? Because if you did you shouldn't be so controlling. Thats not loving behavior.

user1480946351 · 23/12/2016 09:14

When you make enough noise coming in, plugging in a charger and sending a text to disturb your partner, whom you know has trouble getting back to sleep when waken. Obviously

He was already awake and huffing before she did anything. OBviously because she wasn't there already in bed when HE wanted her to be.

Why aren't people getting this? You put babies to bed when you choose, not spouses!

musicposy · 23/12/2016 09:21

I'd just like to know what people's solution is? People have said it's controlling and not the answer, so what is the answer? If you are awake all night if disturbed and unable to function the next day, what's the solution?

In my case, DH has already said he'd far rather come up with me even at a time he wouldn't choose than have separate rooms or beds - and we can't think of anything else. So if others can, I'd be happy to try!

SilentBatperson · 23/12/2016 09:23

Why aren't you getting that the post of mine you've taken objection to doesn't have anything to do with putting anyone to bed? As a one off incident OP's behaviour was annoying, but in the context of DHs attitude generally (and being a hypocrite!) she has bigger fish to fry.

Also, you've invented the bit about him already being awake huffing and puffing before she did anything. OP has only said that he was awake huffing and puffing when she got into bed. She hasn't told us whether anything she did before that woke him up. Don't make assumptions.

ScruffyTheJanitor · 23/12/2016 09:23

I know he doesn't think I'm a controlling arsehole!

If you were my OH then I would be thinking this, maybe not saying it, but definitely thinking it.
How is it not controlling to decide when your OH goes to bed?

junebirthdaygirl · 23/12/2016 09:26

I think it's difficult for us good sleepers to know how stressful it is to be woken up when you know you won't get back to sleep for hours. That said it's one night so he won't die.
Also he couldn't wear earplugs as in sole charge of a child while op is out. Hopefully he will apologise this morning for being a crank and ye enjoy the rest of the day.

Dazydazy · 23/12/2016 09:27

I find in difficult when my OH goes on nights out (specially Xmas) because I know at some point I will be woken up, and will find it hard to get back to sleep where as she will just hit the pillow and be out. I also find it hard knowing that she may or may not be very drunk, and may or may not arrive back at any time between 10.30pm and 3 am. I also find it a bit irritating if she starts texting in bed, and then people inevitably text back and so on. I would have a big problem with the combination of the two, because she is aware that I find both difficult and she will be aware that I am always a bit restless when she is out and already nervous about overall sleeplessness.

I think it's massively important that she gets to do the things she likes and to live the life she wants, and have time and ways to avoid family pressures. But I would expect her not to arrive home and then start texting from in the bed.

As to the level of reaction, this is all dependent. We went through a period at home when she would say she'd be probably back at around 10 and then consistently turn up hours after that, no message, nothing. If, on one of those evenings, she had finally arrived and then texted other people to see if they were ok...!

We did have a huge row about the whole lack of communication thing, because it had built up. So I can't say that I would never have reacted badly to this situation.

SarahOoo · 23/12/2016 09:27

He may have crazed sleep moodiness like me! I can be stone cold sober and for the whole time I've been with my husband (8 years) I can be really horrible to him when I'm half asleep for no reason at all and hen can't remember it the next day! We are otherwise in a very loving and happy relationship! Just a random thought! I also talk and laugh in my sleep and have crazy dreams and sleep walk so all of that is related!

TheNaze73 · 23/12/2016 09:28

I agree with you scruffy

One of the clearest examples of controlling behaviour, I've read on here.

Original poster
LardLizard · 23/12/2016 09:32

Well what's happened so far this am is, alarm went off about 730
I came out stairs as felt a bit sicky in the tummy

He didn't come down till 9
He walked past me to go into he kitchen, then walked past again to get he's laptop
Then walked past again to go to the downstairs toilet
So gone past me about three or four times
He's not spoken to me
At all and not have I to him
But he's the one stroppy with me so guess he's still pissed off with me

He's just made himself a coffee
A horrible filter. Coffee that stinks
Which I hate the smell of but don't say he's not allowed or anything
He's not asked if I want a drink while he's getting his own or if I'm ok or anything

He's working from home today so guess me n the kids better go out

Got to out a stop to this somehow
Had enough of this sleeping non sense

OP posts:
memyselfandaye · 23/12/2016 09:32

Grown adults do not have fucking bedtimes set for them by others.

OP I bet there are other examples of his controlling behaviour.

He sounds pissed off because you went out, the waking thing is just his excuse to have a go at you, make you feel bad and in his mind make him look like the victim of your selfishness.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 23/12/2016 09:34

When you make enough noise coming in, plugging in a charger and sending a text to disturb your partner, whom you know has trouble getting back to sleep when waken. Obviously

He was already awake and huffing before she did anything. OBviously because she wasn't there already in bed when HE wanted her to be.

Not obvious at all. To me it's obvious that he was woken up by her coming in. Now I'm not saying that he's entitled to huff and puff at her, in an ideal world he wouldn't, but as I and others (great x-post Music!) have testified, getting woken up when you're a light sleeper isn't great. And of course, op is entitled to go out.

OP has said that he's not controlling in any other way, that it just comes down to the sleep issue, so I don't know why you're insisting that he's abusive.

OP and her DH need to have a proper talk about the situation and come up with a compromise.

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