To throttle DH over his stupid questions?

[HalloweenBabyDaemon]

I can think of at least a hundred different ways to kill him actually but they wouldn't fit in the subject.

He will ask me where something is in the fridge/cupboard the second he opens it. No, the milisecond.

He will ask me where his keys are. Which he has just used to open the bloody door ffs.

He will ask me where something belonging to him and used only by him is. The second he starts thinking about needing it.

Etc.

It makes me furious. When I need something I have the decency to really look in every possible (and impossible) place before asking him the question (and in 99% of cases his answer will be 'I don't know'). Or I will ask if I know he moved it (and couldn't be arsed to put back in place). He will still answer 'I don't know'.

So that's it really. I kind of run out of innovative answers. I used the 'no idea', 'wherever you put it', 'I'm not your nanny/babysitter/mother/carer', some less kind too. I am looking for inspiration. I've given up hope of him changing so at least I want to have fun with it/not see red every time.

Starting I like your devilish thinking

When dh asks me, I close my eyes and touch the first two fingers of each hand to my temple as if I am trying to use psychic powers.

Then I open my eyes, shake my head and say, 'No, sorry, I'm not getting anything'

Or if he asks 'Have you seen my keys?' I say something like 'Yes, shiny things, made of metal, about so big...'

I must really piss him off sometimes

My DH does this too.

I reply with some silly answer, such as "I think it might be on the roof" or something like that

Felicia, if it's an Android (and it charges fine when turned off) clear your homescreens of all the apps (not the app screen) sometimes one corrupts and eats battery like pacman and the phone charges at the same rate the battety is being eaten so it never goes up x

Battery, whoops.

Sounds very annoying. I'd say to him "Next time you ask me where something is before you've looked for it, I am not going to answer you." And then do just that and ignore everytime.

Although Fairenuff's psychic thing is very funny!

Oh he's got his "man vision" goggles on... DP exactly the same. What FUCKS me off about this, is that it turns me into my mother- it's like we've body-swapped when I start yelling "if I come in there and I find it...." (Threat never articulated. By DM or me. That's married 50 years of impotent threats between us)

Bravo??? Wrong thread?

"You know those two round things just above your nose? They're called eyes. Try using them."

I comment to DS18 that he is now a "real man" as he can't seem to find things.

Latest - packing for a trip, noticed he'd put out scruffy jeans - the others were "nowhere to be found - I put them in the linen basket & they have gone & they are not in the airing cupboard "

Seconds later I found them in the airing cupboard, where they were hung on the rack & not hanging on a clothes hanger, as he had expected.

I'm amazing, apparently

Sigh

I am about to murder mine with a bit of tinsel as he's got 'man flu' and keeps coughing in my ear and bloody sniffing!! I cannot stand another night next to the noisy arse 😳
He also can never find anything even when it's in front of his eyes.
Merry Xmas! 🎄🎄

Fairenuff

I actually cannot wait for him to ask me a stupid question again just to use one of these answers!

But I am genuinely perplexed as to WHAT HAPPENS IN HIS MIND when he asks a question which, he knows:
-will not get him an answer from me
-will annoy me
And when I am snippy he is surprised amd taken aback.
Every. Single. Time.

Just WHY???

Habit. That's why I do it. And also because DH clears up so he is far more likely to have moved something than me.

Which means that no good deed goes unpunished.

How do I attempt to change this habit? Will spraying water in his face work?

There is one of them lives here as well. This morning he was giving DS breakfast and taking him to nursery while I (23 weeks pregnant) had a bit of extra time to get ready. This is what he shouted upstairs.
'Love is there any more bread?' If there is it will be in the freezer like it always is.
'Do you know where Ds's hat is?' No
'I can't find his shoes- d'you remember where you put them?' I didn't. He took them off DS yesterday.
'Lu, have you got my keys?' FFS - why would I have taken his keys to bed last night.

I just said 'No' and nothing else to every question. Then he asked why I wasn't being very helpful! Grr!

Oh, god, the questions!

Drives me absolutely potty. My usual answer to "Where's my x?" is "It went mad so I shot it".

In more vulgar moments, the answer is "up my arse".

With DH if he can't find it, it stays lost. I just answer his (usually polite) enquiries as to the location of his stuff with "Oh, fancy that! Really? I've no idea..."
He's learned to be methodical. And that I'm not his butler.

With the kids it's a couple of suggestions then "Do I have to come in and look for it with you?". If the answer is yes, then I know it's serious...

I call this the Man Scan! It's infuriating. My stock response is "up my arse, third shelf on the left".

Yes, my husband does this, I've taken to resolutely staring ahead and saying I don't know. It usually works.

However he excelled himself this afternoon. The larder cupboard is above the bread bin. The breadbin he uses every single day and has been there in the same spot for ever on the kitchen work surface. The big old normal bread bin we store the bread in. When there is too much bread we store the excess in the larder cupboard. Because the bread bin is full.

So he opens the larder cupboard and says,,have we not got any bread whilst peering into the cupboard.

I honestly looked at him like this 🙄 And said yes, in the fucking bread bin right in front of you. Ffs. I mean really, why would you not look in the breadbin???

Simply reply 'I don't know', then wash, rinse, repeat, until he stops asking.

Do you know where I left my keys?
Nope, I gave up mind reading when i quit the circus

Have you seen my keys?
Yes
Where?
Do you mean where were they when I saw them or where are they noŵ?

Could you be a bit more helpful?
Yes

I cleared out the big pantry cupboard in our kitchen yesterday. Found a small xmas pudding from last year. Told dp and said we could have it tonight.

So he says 'where's the xmas pudding?'
In the pantry
Whereabouts?
How about you go and look for it and if you can't find it in the extremely tidy and organised cupboard then ask me?

Needless to say he found it. All by himself!!

Fucks sake

I tell my husband this is called 'looking with your man eyes' and mock him horrifically if he dares to ask me before he looks properly.

Next time I might tel him I saw it in the garage, or the bottom of the garden, or down the back of the cot... Sounds fun.

Another psychic in this house, like fairenuff. I never tire of it