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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was a weird question, and a bit racist?

101 replies

Nameforsaken · 22/12/2016 11:37

Mil lives in a city, I live in a small village with nearest city a good 60miles away.

We were visiting and we were watching citizen kahn, my ds thinks it's hillarious!

Mil sat next to me and asked if we had any of them near us, gesturing to the telly. I kind of looked at her, knowing what she meant and just played dumb saying any of who? She tutted and changed subject.

It has made me think that maybe she's racist? It's made me dislike her a bit more but am i over thinking it? Why ask such a random question, and does it really matter?

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 22/12/2016 17:11

Racist turn of phrase. If she'd said 'are there many muslims living in your area?' That would've been fine.

Seryph · 22/12/2016 17:26

Yep, she was. My DM does this all the time, it drives me mad. Which then leads to a lecture about how when she was young we didn't have 'all these... what word am I supposed to use if you won't let me say coloureds?!', and the world was a happier place.
And a lot of people from the baby boomer generation ARE culturally racist like that. Because it is not that long ago you would see signs in windows saying 'No Blacks, No Dogs, No Irish'.

Pemba · 22/12/2016 17:29

Oh really? I would have thought it must have been 45 years at least. Wasn't a law against racial discrimination passed in the 70s?

Original poster
Nameforsaken · 22/12/2016 17:30

Yes justdance I think that's why I couldn't figure out if she was being racist.
If asked in the way you phrased, it would have come across as a general inquisitive question
But it was the "them" and the nod towards the telly, and then the quick dismissal when I said who. As if she was ashamed to ask.

OP posts:
FuzzyCustard · 22/12/2016 19:29

I'm a baby boomer (but not a rich, final salary pension one!) and no, I don't use, and never have used, racist language. "Seryph", please stop making assumptions about a large group of varied people. It's ageist.

Birdsgottafly · 22/12/2016 19:42

Well she wasn't challenged, the saying is true "if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem".

nell15 · 22/12/2016 22:03

I'm a supposed baby boomer - another label chucked around that I resent. My mum at 90 had anti Irish bigotry thrown at her on coming to England and taught us to hate bigotry and making judgements about people based on race colour class creed and I have actively fought against this all my life (yes, I'm old) sadly I'm often shocked by the bigoted hypocritical attitudes of some people on mn and in posts such as this

PickAChew · 22/12/2016 22:08

Maybe she was meaning any of "them" as any comedy actors painfully doing dreadful brum/black country-ish accents

Or perhaps she was wondering if you had electricity and a TV signal out in your village? No?

(This are all things I may or may not have asked after a glass or three of wine, just to get her to the point she was making.)

JenLindleyShitMom · 22/12/2016 22:13

I am 100% sure she was leading up to saying something racist. Best way to find out- answer yes or no and see what she follows with.

PickAChew · 22/12/2016 22:22

And it's definitely not purely generational, even if racism might be more ingrained in some people of an older generation.

Had a classic encounter with a family member around my age who was round my house. There was something on the TV about local business women and one came up who was Chinese. This person hadn't been paying attention, glanced over and said "bloody scroungers, the lot of them." I pointed out that she ran a successful restaurant and worked 12 hours a day. The response was "Greedy cow should employ more English people then."

Her mother, who is in her 70s, has since admitted that she actively avoids getting into any conversations involving race with her because it gets to uncomfortable because her views are so strong and unpleasant.

MeetMeAtMidnight · 22/12/2016 22:37

OP - sounds like your MIL is racist. But just because she is 70 and a racist does not mean we get to stigmatize the entirety or even the majority of that generation as racist.

MyWhatICallNameChange · 22/12/2016 22:48

There's a few years age difference between my mum and MIL. My mum isn't racist, my MIL is. It's definitely not an age thing. I hate it when people say that.

minionsrule · 22/12/2016 22:49

Maybe she wasn't sure if the Khans were Indian or Pakistani so said 'them'?

P.s off topic but I think Citizen Khan is shite Grin, how anyone finds it remotely funny is beyond me

queenbeeee · 23/12/2016 00:55

Is she old. I ask as my nan 87 will call everyone who is not white 'blackies' I know this sounds racist but she doesn't mean to be rude. And she doesn't judge people on the colour of there skin. I think it is just that generation.

ColaSpangles · 23/12/2016 01:20

I think branding ppl as THAT generation is no more excusable as'ironic' than any other generalised branding of a group of people simply because of being who they are. It's a shame to fight against racism then trip over another prejudice. My parents and grandparents are entirely decent with no racist bones at all. So I'm saying this on their behalf. My moderately young exh on the other hand is a bigoted twat disguised as a 'plain speaker'.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 23/12/2016 01:31

I don't think there was the remotest hint of irony in "that generation" followed up "it's a generational thing"

I did detect a hint of virtue signalling - it's a shame OP shot herself in the foot with her ageism.

MeetMeAtMidnight · 23/12/2016 01:49

Just another goady thread from a virtue signaling poster who claims the moral high ground on behalf of one community while still managing to go low against another and stick it to the MIL at the same time. Marvellous.

Nothing to see here - moving along.

Manumission · 23/12/2016 02:27

Maybe she wasn't sure if the Khans were Indian or Pakistani so said 'them'?

I'm sure most people can lay their hands on the phrase 'British Asian', 'Asian community' or similar. Unless they've been living in a box.

Manumission · 23/12/2016 02:29

Re virtue signalling;

I replied enthusiastically "yes loads, we're so lucky it's a really diverse area full of fabulous Asian and Turkish shops, cafes and restaurants. I'll take you there when you're next visiting. It's great"

does sound like a hilariously vintage example from 1982. Sorry Grin (I appreciate maybe the poster hails from deepest Cumbria or something.)

Chris1234567890 · 23/12/2016 03:26

This is simply a terminology confusion oh my what is the right thing to say moment. Thats all.

My mother from 'that' generation Hmm, lived in a world where for 40 years, black was 'colour'. (I know, very hard for millenials to understand). But a 'coloured' person descriptor was used so as not to offend any misunderstanding between pakistani, bangladeshi, asian, african etc. It was a phrase that was promoted on the BBC. Fast forward 30 years, and 'that' generation have been slapped down, tutted at, berated for being racist bigots and generally by offspring who have spent their lives slapping down, berating and tutting at their inadequate and ignorant parent.

The fear of saying the wrong thing is huge to 'that' generation. One day you all will be in your 70's, with no doubt a condescending offspring pulling you up on your ignorance over some issue or another. This in my opinion, was a slip made by someone clearly terrified of the PC egg shells she was about to tread on.....and judging by the OPs post, she was right!

Manumission · 23/12/2016 03:30

This is simply a terminology confusion oh my what is the right thing to say moment. Thats all.

Is it heck.

Referring to BAME groups as 'them' 'one of them' or 'that lot' is old fashioned racism 101 as immortalised in various 70s sitcoms including the genius Alf Garnet parodies.

DixieWishbone · 23/12/2016 03:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HorridHenryrule · 23/12/2016 04:12

When I started working with old people not all just 1 or 2 came out with words to describe people I was in shock. I won't go into to much detail but one of the residents had a doll from back in the day that I found offensive. That's how some people are young or old. I have heard disgusting things from young people. The only advice I can give you is don't visit you don't have to accept or put up with anything she does or says. Tell your dh that is the last visit.

Atenco · 23/12/2016 04:37

Last time I saw a video of the Britain First group they were a lot younger than 70. So OP please do not be ageist instead of ageist. I am close to your MIL's age and am not racist, neither was my mother who would be nearing a hundred if she were still alive.

Original poster
Nameforsaken · 23/12/2016 09:59

It wasn'y actually me who started with the that generation thing. When the pp mentioned it I thought yes, maybe. Not because everyone of a certain generation is racist but because maybe that's why my pil are. Becuase they were brought up in a time were there was alot more ignorance around the issue. They're not the smartest, so they've taken in what they've seen in front of them and not made their own mind up about it.

OP posts:
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