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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be petrified of having another?

67 replies

Lalalax3 · 21/12/2016 20:52

DS is 2 and my husband and I would really like another baby, but my last pregnancy was utterly hideous. I'll describe it as briefly as possible: HG, signed off work for most of it, depression and anxiety resulting in a trip to a psychiatrist, anaemia. Oh and a pretty traumatic b2b labour culminating in a crash EMCS.

I had got myself to a place where I was willing to go through it all again, but two weeks ago I had a really bad bout of norovirus and it all came flooding back. The weakness, the iced squash next to the bed, the excess saliva, the inability at times to do anything at all - even looking after my son. And the vomiting, oh god the vomiting. I can't put myself or my son through nine months of that.

So now I'm in a place where I am stalling. Husband still wants #2 but I'm just terrified. I've tried to explain how I feel but I don't think he understands quite how scared I am, and I don't think he realises how stressful it would also be for him if I was as ill again with a two year old thrown into the mix. AIBU to be this afraid? AIBU to not have another just because I'm plain old scared? It's keeping me awake at night TBH.

OP posts:
Madinche1sea · 21/12/2016 21:09

You poor thing - I don't blame you for being scared. Do you know for sure that this pregnancy would be the same though? You're right to consider the impact of having a toddler too, of course. Would your DH be prepared / able to take some of the pressure off here if need be?
We have 4 DC and DH would have liked another one tbh, except I had quite serious haemorrhaging after the fourth baby and it terrified him. Plus the reality of what's involved with 4 DC hit home for him, I think.
What does your doctor recommend given your history?

Trundle13 · 21/12/2016 21:11

Flowers Watching with interest - similar problems with sickness last pregnancy, plus debilitating pregnancy-induced palpitations (with dizziness, breathlessness, etc.) - ended up in bed much of the time, worried as wouldn't be able to do that in hypothetical next pregnancy!

Someone I know who's had three said that whilst she was still sick with all three, it stopped sooner with the second than the first, and much sooner with the third. I'm clinging onto that for when the time comes! Smile

Original poster
Lalalax3 · 21/12/2016 21:12

DH is not particularly helpful, if I'm honest. He struggles when I am ill or depressed because I'm kind of the lynch pin in our family. And I have no family within a 90 min drive radius. Dr says good to go but has warned that I'm 'v likely' to have HG again.

OP posts:
Piratepete1 · 21/12/2016 21:18

I could have written your post. The HG was horrific and when I decided to try for another I looked into options. When it started again i asked the doctor for Zolfram (something like that) and it was a life saver for me. The anti histimines they tried were useless but i felt like I could survive it with the Zofram. I think it had a different name here as it is used widely in America. It had been used for 40 years over there with really minimal risks. This was step 1 which made me feel better about trying again. A planned CS is much better than an emergency and, although I was still very anxious, I accessed maternity mental health services early on. I ended up seeing a clinical psychologist every week until I gave birth at it was a tremendous help. It will all be worth it when you have another little one but it is scary to go through it again.

SoWorried2000 · 21/12/2016 21:20

I also got a mothers help from about 6 months pregnant which is an option if funds allow.

Original poster
Lalalax3 · 21/12/2016 21:21

I had Zofran. I had three antiemetics at one point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lalalax3 · 21/12/2016 21:22

No funds for help.

OP posts:
Madinche1sea · 21/12/2016 21:23

I think it's one of those things that you might regret if you don't go for it, but YOU have to want another. Make sure you're not just doing it for him. If he wants another baby he will have to step up. Does he work long hours?

DearMrDilkington · 21/12/2016 21:25

I wouldn't have another child if your dh isn't 'particularly helpful' with the first one.

Original poster
Lalalax3 · 21/12/2016 21:26

I want one. I absolutely want another baby. But not another pregnancy. He is a writer and works very irregular hours - sometimes non-stop, sometimes not at all.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 21/12/2016 21:29

Long shot but what's your diet like? HG and anemia might mean something is missing in your diet e.g. Vitamin B and iron?

I got very sick in the first three months and finally realised it was the folic acid tablets making it even worse so I cut those out and switched my diet around. Eggs and bananas plus brown rice made my life bearable.

With your labour it might be worth talking to someone about it to help with the trauma?

Same with the anxiety and depression?

Original poster
Lalalax3 · 21/12/2016 21:30

I had extensive blood work done early on and wasn't deficient in anything. The HG caused the anaemia, as it wasn't able to eat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lalalax3 · 21/12/2016 21:31

And I'm sorry but there's 'very sick' and there's HG...

OP posts:
Blueskyrain · 21/12/2016 21:31

If you want another child but not pregnancy, have you considered adoption?

Original poster
Lalalax3 · 21/12/2016 21:32

House not big enough for us to adopt, unfortunately.

OP posts:
Thebookswereherfriends · 21/12/2016 21:34

If you really want another child why not wait until your child is at school - they will be more independent and not at home for a chunk of the day, so might be less impacted if you end up fairly incapacitated with HG.

OracleofDelphi · 21/12/2016 21:34

You need to talk properly to DH ... explain you simply cannot do it without him stepping up massively ... get a GP appointment and get DH to attend with you to discuss HG concerns . He can then hear from the horses mouth that it is likely you will have it again ... can you wait to try until DC can go to nursery ? If you come up with some practical solutions you might be able to make it work . So go to GP with DH, get DS in nursery for a bit to alleviate stress on you, if you work find out what sick policy would be etc and how they would cope / would it affect your job . Contact hospital where you had DC and see if they offer any post birth trauma counselling . My friend had this after ECS and went on to have another with VBAC ... good luck op

NapQueen · 21/12/2016 21:34

Could you fund a surrogate pregnancy? Would it be something you would consider?

Original poster
Lalalax3 · 21/12/2016 21:35

I'll be 38 when my son starts school - not infertile by any means but I am aware of my aging ovaries.

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 21/12/2016 21:37

YANBU. You don't sound ready. DS is only 2- what is the rush? Many people go through far less than you have (you've been through a heck of a lot!) and don't feel ready when their kid is only 2. Many people don't have no. 2 until the first one is in school.

You are the person who has to go through the HG, the pregnancy, the labour. You should be the person who decides when, if ever, you are ready. It is your body. DH really needs to respect that.

fluffandsnuff · 21/12/2016 21:37

I feel for you Flowers

Had horrible first pg and until DS was 2 swore I couldn't go through it again. Took a birth control failure scare to even contemplate going through it again. Now 11 wks pg and sickness has been a lot better this time round. MW is keeping an eye on MH and already have referral to women's health physio. Some days it is hard being pg and looking after a toddler (more CBeebies than I would like)!

Give yourself time. DC is still young.

MarciaBlaine · 21/12/2016 21:39

now I had a dream pregnancy and easy baby and THAT was out me off having a second. That the next one was bound to be a right bastard. Maybe the opposite might be true for you?

Original poster
Lalalax3 · 21/12/2016 21:41

Unfortunately the statistics for reoccurrence of HG point to it being extremely likely.

OP posts:
TwoDrifters · 21/12/2016 21:42

Watching with interest mrsgembles and much empathy as I could have written your post. Currently dithering over no. 2 due to utter terror at the thought of it being like the first time plus with the added guilt of missing out on a large chunk of no. 1's life too. It's all I think about day in day out and it's driving me nuts!

I think I'm going to access some counselling early next year to help me get my head around the fear side of things. And then I think I'm just going to have to push through it, c-section recovery and all. I know it'll be worth it in the long run (as obviously no. 1 was totally worth every moment) but I too had a bout of sickness recently (food poisoning) that brought the memories of HG flooding back in full force and made me shudder.

As with so many things, if you've not been through it I don't think you can fully understand. You're a brave woman to even contemplate this again. Flowers

stitchglitched · 21/12/2016 21:45

I know how you feel, I had HG first time around and it took me 6 years to brave another pregnancy. I'm sorry to say the HG was even worse second time around and I was very ill both physically and mentally. And that was with an older child and a very helpful partner. With a toddler and a partner that doesn't cope well with illness, not a chance. I would have loved a large family but I will never go through another pregnancy. It sucks.