To be petrified of having another?

[Lalalax3]

DS is 2 and my husband and I would really like another baby, but my last pregnancy was utterly hideous. I'll describe it as briefly as possible: HG, signed off work for most of it, depression and anxiety resulting in a trip to a psychiatrist, anaemia. Oh and a pretty traumatic b2b labour culminating in a crash EMCS.

I had got myself to a place where I was willing to go through it all again, but two weeks ago I had a really bad bout of norovirus and it all came flooding back. The weakness, the iced squash next to the bed, the excess saliva, the inability at times to do anything at all - even looking after my son. And the vomiting, oh god the vomiting. I can't put myself or my son through nine months of that.

So now I'm in a place where I am stalling. Husband still wants #2 but I'm just terrified. I've tried to explain how I feel but I don't think he understands quite how scared I am, and I don't think he realises how stressful it would also be for him if I was as ill again with a two year old thrown into the mix. AIBU to be this afraid? AIBU to not have another just because I'm plain old scared? It's keeping me awake at night TBH.

I would wait OP. DS1 was 12 when I had DS2 and if anything the sickness second time was worse. DP kept everything going and DS1 being 12 meant he could understand more. I couldn't even get out of bed, even my closest friends didn't understand. There is no way I could've coped with a less helpful DP or a toddler.
DS2 is 16 months now and the thought of not being able to look after him for 9 months is awful. Definitely enjoy the time with your DS, it goes so quickly.

giraffessay it's clear from some of your other posts that you have an axe to grind. If you want to put people off adoption, fine, but I and many others are of the view that giving children a stable permanent home is a good thing.

You have searched my user name, and chosen to post out of context on another thread because you don't like what I've said here?

I, and many others, do view that giving a child a stable permanent home is a good thing.

The difference is, sugarplum, out of the two of us, one of us has done exactly that. And it isn't you.

Read a bit about modern adoption before recommending it as a solution to hyperemesis.

Sorry OP. Derailment.

giraffessay I posted on the other thread because I was interested in it.

I come from a happy family who adopted 'altruistically' and have a fair amount of involvement with adoption at work.

You've done it do far, I haven't yet, so what. There are many children needing homes, it's no skin off your nose if someone wants to offer a child a home. What are you afraid of?

I think I'd wait a bit longer too. Sorry it was so awful last time

I'm another person who suffered a lot less in my second pregnancy. I didn't have HG, but I was sick every day for 7 months during the first pregnancy. And awful excess saliva.
Second time round I was only sick for 4 months and no excess saliva. Despite the improvement I still couldn't bear the thought of having a third!
I know it's hardly scientific, but anecdotally so many of my friends have coped better with their second pregnancy - despite having a toddler to deal with.

Good luck! If you can wait, it will be so much easier to cope with when DC1 is at nursery/school

And throwing out adoption as a solution to problems with being pregnant, as if it's that easy, is insulting to adoptive parents.

I wasn't insulted and I fall into that category. Also, giraffessay, it wasn't what you said but how you said it. There was no need to be so rude in response to a simple suggestion. BlueSky didn't say adoption was an easy road, just that it was an option.

OP I think you're right to hold off until you feel ready. I'm sorry you had such a difficult time. A previous poster mentioned they were getting counselling for something similar, it might be worth considering for your own peace of mind

I wouldn't have a second child if I were you. Hugs.

And throwing out adoption as a solution to problems with being pregnant, as if it's that easy, is insulting to adoptive parents

Nothing wrong with that imo , it's exactly what my sister did- twice.

OP I wouldn't have another baby tbh, sometimes it's not worth it or fair on the existing child imo. It's why we stuck at one.

I had ds2 on basis it might not be as bad as ds1. It was. Depression, ate/drank nothing but milk. And three yr old DS1. Joy.

If you do decide to put yourself through it again you need a plan so that you can take 9 months out. From September your son will get 30 hours free childcare. You can also ask for an elcs.

I haven't any experience of HG but I know someone who has suffered during each of her pregnancies and says that getting medication as soon as she finds out she is pregnant helps massively. I think that given what you went through last time your dr would be willing to give you the medication.

I had a horrible first pregnancy with HG and an OK second. I got Zofran for the second - the melt stuff which you dissolve in your mouth is best as it is absorbed fastest. I'm sure that helped massively. I was able to keep working and wasn't in the first. It did take me 5 yrs to be ready for number 2 though.

It may have been better anyway of course.
Best of luck - but I'd wait a bit longer really. You do forget, well not forget but your brain has a way of diminishing the horror of it, really, with time. It did for me anyway.

I think this may be a situation where it pays to do some serious scenario planning. Decide What you would need to be in place, as a minimum, for you to undergo this again? As it is you undergoing it. Spell out the support your husband would need to provide to him and make him see the impact. Get some more medical input and then decide. Don't rush. It may be better for you and your son to not have the stress and risk of a second pregnancy and might be worth more than the opportunity cost of a sibling/second child. Good luck!

We've decided not to, I can't do it again, I can't be a mother to the child I have with HG

Yanbu but you don't seem like you are in the right place to have another child. Its weighing up being horribly ill and or not having another child. I didn't have HG but I had pgp from 6 weeks, high blood pressure and obstetric choleostasis. I was induced at 38 weeks as my son wasn't growing much. I was 39 and he was our first baby. I don't think my body could cope with another pregnancy so were stopping at one. Good luck xx

YANBU. My first pregnancy wasn't nearly as bad as yours (unpleasant but not awful morning sickness, depression after stopping anti-depressants cold turkey). Most of the reasons for it being painful were situational (my father became very ill and died in second trimester). Still dreaded going through it again and could have written your post six months ago. My DS almost two. But am in late 30s and thought I would try, with strong possibility it might not even happen (loads of friends with fertility problems). Got pregnant almost immediately. This pregnancy much worse than previous one, physically. Writing this in bed -- still vomiting well into second trimester. Nauseous 24/7. Depressed. Feel lifeless and about 100 years old. Have missed months of work. Shit parent to DS who spends half his life now watching TV. Am obviously now just waiting to get to end and looking forward to it all being worth it! But, frankly, if I had known how awful I would feel I wouldn't have tried for another baby just yet. You don't sound ready, and I wasn't either. I would wait and see.