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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be petrified of having another?

67 replies

Lalalax3 · 21/12/2016 20:52

DS is 2 and my husband and I would really like another baby, but my last pregnancy was utterly hideous. I'll describe it as briefly as possible: HG, signed off work for most of it, depression and anxiety resulting in a trip to a psychiatrist, anaemia. Oh and a pretty traumatic b2b labour culminating in a crash EMCS.

I had got myself to a place where I was willing to go through it all again, but two weeks ago I had a really bad bout of norovirus and it all came flooding back. The weakness, the iced squash next to the bed, the excess saliva, the inability at times to do anything at all - even looking after my son. And the vomiting, oh god the vomiting. I can't put myself or my son through nine months of that.

So now I'm in a place where I am stalling. Husband still wants #2 but I'm just terrified. I've tried to explain how I feel but I don't think he understands quite how scared I am, and I don't think he realises how stressful it would also be for him if I was as ill again with a two year old thrown into the mix. AIBU to be this afraid? AIBU to not have another just because I'm plain old scared? It's keeping me awake at night TBH.

OP posts:

splendide · 21/12/2016 21:46

Yanbu at all. I couldn't have a second in those circumstances, especially with an unhelpful DH.

I know someone who aborted a planned second pregnancy because the sickness was so bad so I know it can be nightmarish.

CL12345 · 21/12/2016 21:52

House not big enough for us to adopt, unfortunately.

House big enough for a second child but not if adoptee (?)
What do you mean?

Original poster

Lalalax3 · 21/12/2016 22:01

I mean my DS and his sibling would share a room but to adopt the children would need a room each.

OP posts:

TheCuriousOwl · 21/12/2016 22:02

CL12345 adoption criteria often means you need a certain no. of bedrooms. Less of an issue if you're having the children yourself as you can have them and they can share, etc. Not so with adoption.

OP YANBU. HG isn't 'being very sick' it's a living nightmare and your DP needs to be 100% more helpful than he is being currently.

giraffessay · 21/12/2016 22:03

If you want another child but not pregnancy, have you considered adoption

FFS.

Blueskyrain, tell me what you know about adoption, because it can probably fit on my coaster.

OP- Make an appointment with your GP to discuss this. HG is awful, so that could be discussed, and treatment plans. But it sounds like the birth was also traumatic, so perhaps discussing that, and discussing perhaps an elective section, or vbac if that's what you want, could be helpful. Good luck.

liquidrevolution · 21/12/2016 22:06

I completely understand and actually had a very similar pregnancy and childbirth. Fortunately I was much older so I already knew that DD would be an only child. Even if I got pregnant again I dont think I could go through with it. Horrible brain fuzziness and constant nausea. And the vomit, urgh, bucketloads daily. Plus being cut off from everyone as I was signed off work so on my own all the time which lead to depression which I am still recovering from .

Whatever you decided it has to be right for you and your husband needs to support you in this.

CL12345 · 21/12/2016 22:06

Thanks for the info mrsgembles and TheCuriousOwl.
Sounds like a very black/white rule. Wouldn't they consider size of the bedroom, age and sex of other child(ren)? (sorry it is very off topic!)

OohNoDooEy · 21/12/2016 22:11

Give yourself more time. If your dc1 is getting the funded hours or school then you can at least feel less guilty.

There's a great thread in one child families about the benefits of an only too.

Original poster

Lalalax3 · 21/12/2016 22:11

Thanks so much for all your empathy on here. I think the answer is to enjoy my hilarious, marvellous DS for a bit longer and continue to focus on the path of study I'm on for career change. I'm not ruling it out for the future but I can't foresee it happening in the next two years. DH will be supportive, just a bit disappointed.

OP posts:

Blueskyrain · 21/12/2016 22:16

giraffessay there is no need to be so rude. Adoption is a great thing and should be encouraged. I have an adopted sibling, who was adopted because she needed a home rather than my parents not being able to have any more, and I'm planning on adopting myself in a couple of years (am currently pregnant). I don't know everything about adoption, but it's a valid suggestion for someone that understandably doesn't want to go through pregnancy. I have no idea what your problem is.

sometimesKit · 21/12/2016 22:18

My last pregnancy wasn't as bad as yours by the sound of it, I didn't have HG and my labour/birth was good, but it was enough to put me off having another one. I can understand your husband wanting another but it isn't him who'd have to suffer the pregnancy!

And yes, if he isn't helpful that would make it even harder. I desperately needed my husband's help with our toddler and just general day to day life.

Blossomdeary · 21/12/2016 22:24

How very difficult for you - it is true that every pregnancy is different, as all 3 of mine were, but you have no way of knowing how it might go. Perhaps a bit bigger break might be a good idea at this stage. Mind you I did the opposite - my first pregnancy and birth were so grim that I got pregnant very quickly afterwards because I knew if I thought about it too long I would not do it! And I felt strongly that I did not want an only child; so that is a factor.

I really can understand how you feel - I would chop off my right arm not to vomit.

Do not let this indecision get in the way of enjoying your little one.

Good luck with your decision.

ZogsAnon · 21/12/2016 22:26

I feel for you, but no two pregnancies are necessarily the same. I had bad HG the first time but not the second. However the PGP was worse, but otherwise a much better experience. However a harder baby.

ZogsAnon · 21/12/2016 22:27

Argh, posted to soon. Just wanted to say. I won't be doing again. Any more children and I think we will be looking at adoption!

onedsrightnow · 21/12/2016 22:30

No real advice as it is a very personal thing but my story is similar. I could have written your post 2 years ago with the added fear of ASD as my son has special needs! Finally ready for another dc now that my ds is nearly 4 and have been trying for 6 months with no luck....my ds is in preschool now so I am fairly sure I could handle my pregnancy(shudders just thinking about it). Try to way up all the pros and cons. Best of luck to other your decision

SheepyFun · 21/12/2016 22:36

Not me, but a friend of mine is pregnant with no. 2 now, and has had HG this time (only severe morning sickness last time, though that was only one issue in a very complex pregnancy). It's meant hospitalisation. She has family and church support, and her DH can work from home in an emergency. If you're hospitalised, who would care for your other child? And even if you're at home, but have HG, who would do that? If you ttc no. 2, then you really want to think those questions through in advance, however old no. 1 is at the time. Sorry not to be more positive, but I've seen how much support my friend needs (there have been times when she's been completely unable to care for her older DC(4) in any way at all) and it sounds likely you'd need similar levels of help.

HumphreyCobblers · 21/12/2016 22:36

I would absolutely wait until your ds is older. A five year old is able to adjust in many ways, a two year old continues in being needy constantly.

I had HG in my last pregnancy (the previous two I was just 'very sick', a WORLD of difference). I was able to lie on the sofa whilst they were in school, a neighbour got them off the bus and brought them home and my DH adjusted his work hours so that he came home as soon as possible to cook their evening meal. It was a grim time, but we managed. I would not have managed with a toddler.

Poppyred85 · 21/12/2016 22:58

You poor thing. I had severe HG with ds for whole pregnancy which ended in placental abruption at 30 weeks and him having a bumpy 8 weeks in NICU. He's 4 in a couple of weeks and it's taken us that time to realise we want another and to prepare for what is likely to happen. Still petrified though and like you it only takes a bit of vomiting to take me back to the total misery of it all. We've tried to plan as much as we can. Aside from needing the time to think about it waiting for ds to be older and more independent made sense for us. I have seen my GP to talk about what would happen/plan treatment and have also seen a consultant who specialises in HG management. For me one of the hardest things was accessing treatment and the attitude of some midwives and doctors (despite me being a doctor.) To have a plan and the support from a specialist who desls with HG all the time will hopefully make a huge difference. Have you looked at the pregnancy sickness support website? There's loads of info on there, a support forum including a group on trying again. They also recommend s book called 'Hyperemesis Gravidarum the definitive card' which I can highly recommend. The Royal college of Obs and gynae have also published a new guideline on HG management www.rcog.org.uk/globalassets/documents/guidelines/green-top-guidelines/gtg69-hyperemesis.pdf
Please feel free to message me and if you do decide to go for it- good luck!

Poppyred85 · 21/12/2016 23:00

I should also have said I can recommend specialist consultant at Birmingham Women's Hospital if you're in the midlands and I know of another in London.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 21/12/2016 23:01

I think in your shoes I would def wait as long as possible, my friend who went through similar horrific pregnancy and birth stopped at the one as couldn't face the prospect of going through it again and I couldn't blame her tbh.

I know you want two but having an 'only' isn't the end of the world......

giraffessay · 21/12/2016 23:03

I have no idea what your problem is.

Blueskyrain- try reading a bit around modern adoption before recommending it. You obviously don't have a clue. Adoption is absolutely not a valid solution to someone wanting a biological child but being afraid to go through pregnancy, as a sole reason. OP gave no indication she fancied becoming a therapeutic parent to a traumatised child.

giraffessay · 21/12/2016 23:06

And throwing out adoption as a solution to problems with being pregnant, as if it's that easy, is insulting to adoptive parents.

monkeywithacowface · 21/12/2016 23:14

I had HG and a traumatic birth with my first. I fell pregnant when dc1 was 2 years old and by the time I was 5 weeks pregnant I was hospitalised with HG. On and off I spent a month in hospital for HG with DC2. I also had pretty bad depression with it. By the time I was 10 weeks I'd booked in for an abortion (which I didn't go through with as I ended up back in hospital and when I told them I planned to terminate they finally put me on zofran).

Having HG and a toddler to care for was incredibly hard and I had a very hands on DH and family support. In your position you need to consider if your DH will be able to step up.

trappedinsuburbia · 21/12/2016 23:15

Sympathy OP, my first pregnancy no sickness at all, second one I had HG, there are no words for the complete misery. I took myself off to get sterilized asap, but I didn't want anymore anyway but I wasn't taking any chances.
It is 10 times worse with another child to care for whether at school or not, how are you going to make it along for pick up when you can't stop heaving or feel so ill you can't lift your head off the pillow. I honestly would say no more to your dh if you can't face it again.

Chicky2 · 21/12/2016 23:20

I had a horrific pregnancy with HG, I couldn't eat, drink, get out of bed, talk to my husband because I could smell food on him, I vomited every half an hour or so for 5 months and spent weeks in hospital.
When our daughter was 2, we had the talk about whether to have another, I absolutely could not go through that again, and luckily my husband was completely supportive of my decision.
All you ladies out there contemplating a second after HG have balls of steel!

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