About my "dad"

[dangle90]

I'm 26 years old. My mum and dad haven't been together since I was young, my dad lives down south with a new family and my mum passed away 3.5 years ago.
In a nut shell he's never been there for me after my mum passed I got it all off my chest how I thought he might step up more now I only had him but no nothing changed. I get a card at birthday and Christmas that's all... just received my card through the post... and I'm annoyed as it's not even a daughter card this year and doesn't even say "love you" I just don't know how he can go and buy all his other children Xmas gifts and cards and then send me something you'd send a neighbour. I feel so hurt. What would you do?

Some men are shit at things like this. Without my mum my dad would be. Could you reach out to your dad and try and build a relationship? It's hard when you have to do all the work but some of a certain generation just aren't very good. I'd say it's quite good he's sent you a card but I do understand why you're upset.

The card itself wouldn't bother me. My dad is lovely, but if he had to send me a Christmas card without my mum stepping in, it would just say 'Love from Dad' and that's it. He just doesn't have a clue about what to write in cards etc and there's no way he'd think of getting one that said 'Daughter' on it. So I wouldn't think there was any snub intended.

I would, however, be very upset if my dad bought presents for his other children and not for me. Are you definitely sure that this is the case? Do you actually know what his other children have received from him this year? Are you in touch with them?

Like I say I tried before after my mum passed away and I really needed him and it all fell on deaf ears. He hasn't even wrote it his gf has. I know men are rubbish with stuff but to leave one of your children out constantly I don't know how you could live with yourself. Thanks for replying

Yeah they all live with him I know he buys them presents it's always pictures on Facebook. I normally receive a daughter card that's why it's bothered me, if I never received one it wouldn't be an issue. I just feel like I've been a last thought this year

Ah, I see - OK, in that case I can see why you're upset.

Are his other kids much younger than you, ie under 18? Does he maybe think that it's the norm to stop buying Christmas presents for your kids when they reach adulthood? I'm not making excuses for him, of course - just trying to see where he might be coming from. It could be that he is just a bit useless rather than being deliberately hurtful.

Yes its shit, but brace yourself; that actually looks like a womans handwriting. Are you sure its from him?

Yeah there all under 18 but to be honest he's never bought for me, I atleast got a card that said daughter though which was enough. He's always been useless I think it just hits me hard at Christmas time with not having my mum here

I know dj looks like his gf has wrote it for him

If I was the girlfriend I'd be hugely unimpressed by a man who couldn't be bothered to sign a card to his own daughter. What reasoning would make that OK?

I'm sorry OP, most children get decent parents but some, like you, have been dealt a crap hand. I hope you have some other good friends or loved ones to spend Christmas with, or if not, that you have a happier 2017.

Thanks so much Rita.
I was just thinking the exact same thing, if my OH had a child I would never ever let Christmas go by without him sending a nice card/phonecall/present! Maybe she wants me out of the way who knows

:( I'm sorry
Maybe it's best not to have any contact? Have you spoken to a counsellor?

Dangle, it's his problem not his wifes.

True he's always been shit even before she came along.
I did go and see one after my mum passed. Like I say though I manage it well during the year but Christmas time I just feel a bit more sensitive towards these things I think.

Who wouldn't be sensitive? Have you outright told him how you feel?

Maybe it's worth having some more counselling? These kinds of scenario, although common, are very difficult to come to terms with. It might be helpful for you to unpick it all with a trained therapist. You've had alot of loss in your life at a young age and that is very sad :( but it's also ok to feel sad. It's ok to feel angry xxx
You are worth a million of him

I know exactly how you feel dangle. When his new improved children were small, my dad would just ignore my birthday. certainly never a 'daughter' card. When i went to the house it became clear that his new children had been told they were not related to me. Once he had to introduce me to a cousin at a funeral and he said 'this is my ...er...umm....daughter...'

HOnestly if i could give you some advice, try to keep it all at arms length and get some counselling. Otherwise you will spend years sitting under someones table waiting for them to throw you the odd crumb, as it were. I wish I had just left them to it years ago, but I didnt.

I've had I am too young to be your father so can you call me Colin in public type thing
And the Christmas party I went to where they all had presents under the tree but nobody had bought me anything
They were UN bloody believable
Cutting contact IS hard at the time but if you get a good counsellor it will be the best thing you ever do
You stop thinking it's YOU too.

I suppose the best thing to 'do' is to be philosophical about it and accept that he loves you in his own limited way, but that he is never going to be the dad you hoped for.
Sorry about your mum, and that your dad is crap. My dad was too. He was there but abusive. I just chose to only see him once a year. My DP had an absent dad growing up but they have become a little closer over the years.

My fil is the same as your dad. He sends dh a generic Christmas card, not even signed from dad, he signs his name like he would for a neighbour. He sees his step-children at least once a week, babysits regularly for them, buys their children extravagant gifts for birthdays and Christmas. Our DD is 6 and he has barely even met her (he came to our wedding and meet her then, but left after the ceremony so only had one 5 minute conversation with his only grandchild)

I find it very hurtful, and it's not even my dad. Dh says it's just the way his dad is, and seems not to be bothered but I know he is bothered really.

I know it will never be any different and as I say 90% of the time I just accept it for what it is. I don't feel I need counselling, I didn't have a good upbringing and have a really nice life now considering. But maybe speaking to someone would help me deal with how I feel about things this time of year. I feel angry and upset, but one thing for sure is when I have children they will certainly never be treated how I have been.
That is awful brat! He sounds even worse than mine, atleast mine pretends to be interested in me when he does speak to me. Do you never speak now then?

Thanks so much for replying everyone, I'm trying to reply to you all.
It means a lot just to know I'm not being stupid.
Msawesome it must bother him but I think men feel like they can't act like it does doesn't it. I'm not surprised it bothered you either!
I'm just grateful my DP has such a lovely normal happy family who have welcomed me with open arms x