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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in Law

87 replies

Toofewshoes · 21/12/2016 09:21

I find my MIL tricky at the best of times but she is already totally winding me up before she has arrived for her four day Christmas stay.

We host Christmas every year, we have done for over ten years and we alternate my family or DHs family. We live in the countryside and have the biggest house and can accommodate everyone which I am more than happy to do.

This year it is DHs family's turn and I have nicely asked for things for MIL and SIL to bring to contribute. I don't mind doing the cooking and really happily host. But my MIL is really winding me up already.
We have three children as does SIL and my three are younger the oldest 12, hers late teens early twenties. They all get on well. It is lovely for them all as we don't see them often. But MIL said yesterday in her most patronising voice that I should remember that the boys are big now and eat lots.

Now I didn't know how to respond so just said, yes I knew that. But she doesn't stop there, she tells me I need to maybe order another bag of potatoes and make sure I do extra for the boys. Now she is making my blood boil a bit, I replied that I had cooked for them all before and I don't think think anyone went hungry.

I have got lots to do, I work and have also hosted for my family last weekend. I will make up bedrooms for them all, provide towels and make sure they have everything they could need. I just don't know what to say to these comments.

Can anyone suggest a sort of stock answer, I can't help but be sarcastic when my feathers get rustled.

(Also hoping my MIL doesn't go into the children's rooms at 5am this year to wake them up and open their stockings with them, taking away the joy we have of all being in our bed and watching their faces. 😧)

OP posts:
Original poster
Toofewshoes · 21/12/2016 10:38

And thank you Senorita for the usual phrases. I will attempt to use them and stay calm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toofewshoes · 21/12/2016 10:41

P.S DH is away for work and flies in lunchtime Christmas Eve. But he is about as useful as a chocolate teapot in the kitchen so is deployed to entertain his family members whilst I cook (hide and drink) in the kitchen.

OP posts:
Carriemac · 21/12/2016 10:42

I know its annoying , my MIL was the same . its fuss fuss fuss over the small things, its an age thing as my mum is now getting like that too.
However i really miss Mil being around at Christmas now so try to grit your teeth and be nice.

Marcipex · 21/12/2016 10:46

I might actually take the extra spuds ( she can peel them) comment on board. Just in case anyone is being politely hungry.

Waking the children at 5 and opening the stockings with them so that you miss out, on the other hand, is beyond the pale. Malicious, selfish, and planned in advance. I would be livid at that. I'd make sure she never tried that again.

Tenshidarkangel · 21/12/2016 10:47

"Oh don't you worry about that. It's Christmas. You relax and put your feet up!" :)

Also, just an idea. When I was a kid, Santas stocking would be located in my Mums bedroom. Therefore removing the issue of me waking early and opening it without her present. Maybe you should ask Santa if he'd deliver the stocking presents to your bedroom this year? ;)

Clankboing · 21/12/2016 10:49

Buy a few bags and scatter them meaningfully around the kitchen.

Billben · 21/12/2016 10:52

Your MIL inspects the filters for your dishwasher and tumble dryer??? Sweet Jesus, I feel for you. I certainly wouldn't put up with all this interfering just to keep the peace. And as for the suggestion that your SIL might have been too nice in the past to mention that her boys went hungry, well how about if she rocks up with an extra bag of potatoes as a contribution, since she knows her boys will probably eat loads.

alltouchedout · 21/12/2016 10:56

I would be irritated by that. I'd buy the extra potatoes though, have everyone else peeling them, roast shitloads and then when there were leftovers I'd be smiling and making "oh goodness looks like we did't need quite that many after all eh MIL?" remarks. And then I would eat them because when it comes to roasties I am a pig

Billben · 21/12/2016 10:57

She woke your kids at 5 am??? I would have been livid her. That's just malicious and nasty and shows her true colours and her feelings towards you.

Original poster
Toofewshoes · 21/12/2016 10:58

Billben - she actually holds the dishwasher filter aloft and asks when the last time I cleaned it was. I have discussed this with DH many times and have cleaned it the morning she has arrived in the past only for the same routine. We just gave knowing glances to each other and moved on.

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 21/12/2016 10:59

How convenient that your DH is away until too late to be useful. And he may be (deliberately?) useless in the kitchen; fine –so how about he takes on the other aspects of having guests like bedding etc?

I mean more generally, not just at Christmas.

I wouldn't be polite, TBH. The lemons comment: 'Of course I didn't forget. We discussed it, didn't we?' The dishwasher and tumble dryer: 'Please stop doing that. It's very rude, and silly as well.'

Pollyanna9 · 21/12/2016 10:59

God, I'd be SOOOOOOO tempted if I had the oven room, to cook trays and trays and trays and trays of roast potatoes and say there love, do you think I've done enough (eye twitching, necking another glass of wine....)?!

I would DEFINITELY hide the stockings - that's just absolutely appalling and state 100% clearly when she walks through the door, that no on is to be woken before X am or you'll want to know why. God, beyond annoying.

sizeofalentil · 21/12/2016 11:00

It does sound like she was hinting that they need more food than you probably planned.

SapphireStrange · 21/12/2016 11:00

x-posted slightly about dishwasher. 'she actually holds the dishwasher filter aloft and asks when the last time I cleaned it was.'

Your response to this is not to clean it the morning of her arrival Confused; it's along the lines of 'That's my business. Put it back and don't do it again please.'

PoppyFleur · 21/12/2016 11:03

When anyone hosts me and my family, I am so bloody grateful that I would not dream of complaining. Yes, men & growing boys can eat a lot, but surely for a few days no one is going to starve if served only 'standard' size portions.

My aunt is lovely but a truly awful cook, when we have stayed in the past I have always taken gifts including several food items (and stashed some extra food in a case). Her value in my life extends beyond the concern of being a bit peckish for a couple of days.

YANBU OP, I would counter your MIL concerns with suggesting she brings a fruit basket for people to snack on.

Thinkingblonde · 21/12/2016 11:05

Do you plate the food up or let them help themselves? If the former I'd put everything into serving dishes and let them get their own food. The danger of this though is there might be a greedy little fucker who takes more than they should. If she mentions it again I'd ring SIL and ask if the boys were hungry last time as MIL seems to be implying that they they were, ???? She's bound to say no and hopefully tell her mother wind her neck in.

BillSykesDog · 21/12/2016 11:11

Really it's an over reaction. She was tipping you off so you could do extra of the cheapest part of the meal and fill them up on roasties rather than them demolishing the entire Turkey.

It's one of those things where she couldn't really win. You're irritated with her for telling you this, but if you were intending a Turkey sandwich tea and they'd eaten it all you would probably be saying 'Why didn't someone tell me how much they eat so I could do extra roasties' and blaming her for not telling you.

Original poster
Toofewshoes · 21/12/2016 11:12

Poppy - ironically that is how we go to SIL. We take food offerings and have been known to stash snacks.

Thinkingblonde - I put everything out in Bowls. It is a help yourself situation. Never run out of potatoes.

i an never going to do it right. I will just carry on but maybe start to take a slightly firmer line about dishwasher filter.

Thanks for advice and support.

OP posts:
civilfawlty · 21/12/2016 11:20

I really think it's ok, after weathering things for ages, to be firmer. Working up to, I would prefer you not to inspect my dishwasher thank you MIL. And if she carries on, say I'm finding this intrusive, judgemental, and rude.

shovetheholly · 21/12/2016 11:23

Your DH really needs to step in here. When she dives for the dishwasher filter, he needs to say something like "It was cleaned yesterday, Mum, and this behaviour lacks social grace. You're being really rude."

pictish · 21/12/2016 11:25

Smile and nod, "I'm on it...don't worry." etc...
You'll have a crap time if you're determined to bristle at every other comment she makes. She's in mum mode...best to just let it go over your head.

Tell her off for rummaging in your filters though.

EweAreHere · 21/12/2016 11:29

Out of curiosity, are you sure she isn't making a quiet point in a not-so-good way?

When we eat at my PILs, we have struggled the last couple of years with the amount of food they serve sometimes. They have clearly completely forgotten what it's like to have ravenous boys in the house, and we have 2, as well as a girl. And dinner rations often feel quite rationed when I know my boys need to eat more (and they say so). But the PILs remain oblivious, and my husband isn't quite sure what to do about it.

shovetheholly · 21/12/2016 11:30

There's no excuse for "mum mode" with adult children, though. It's just rudeness and bossiness that needs to be reined in. You are not exempted from the social necessity of allowing other people room to breathe, and of listening to them just because you gave birth to them! It's not caring, kind or loving behaviour.

VeryPunny · 21/12/2016 11:30

I'd be handing her the Marigolds and telling her to clean the filter herself.

In isolation everything sounds fine until you said about the stockings. She's an arsehole.

MycatsaPirate · 21/12/2016 11:37

I can understand why you are annoyed. You have done this countless times before and it's like she's treating you like a small child instead of the adult you are.

It's very frustrating to have someone tell you what to do when you are quite capable of doing it without verbal instructions.

But I think she probably sees herself as 'head of the family' and therefore likes to exert some sort of control.

Definitely put the kids stockings in your room this year and tell MIL that if she's bothered about filters in appliances she's welcome to crack on and clean them. THAT would drive me crazy.

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