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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be proud of my daughters achievements

60 replies

mamatiger83 · 20/12/2016 16:24

So, my daughter who is 10 is an extremely bright young girl (I'm not just biased) and her school invited her to take part in some extra-curricular work that involves visiting universities and working with phd tutors, resulting in a piece of work that if they pass they will have a sort of graduation ceremony. The idea is to show that from a young age it is possible to aim high and work hard to achieve something. I am very proud of her this and she has worked her socks off. There were another 11 students chosen for this also, they were selected based on teachers recommendations, behaviour and marks achieved in school. I see no problem with this. However, when speaking to a group of friends the whole scheme was widely criticised for favouring the 'smarter' kids over the kids who may not be as academically minded. While I don't disagree that there is more then one kind of intelligence and every child is unique and special I feel that this was really awful. In my experience it is the children who do not perform as well at school, or do not behave as well that receive the most rewards, i.e - headteachers awards etc. I am not stating that as a fact, its just an opinion based on the schooling my children have received. My son for example, he is not interested in school work and will find any reason to avoid it despite being imo very clever, he made very little effort, however, when he did he was given praise and rewarded with certificates and such. My daughter who loves to do school work and consistently scores high on spelling/maths tests or does her homework as soon as she is assigned has never received a single reward. (I hope this making sense!!).
So, for me, this opportunity for her was some sort of validation that yes she is being noticed which I thought was great and very deserved.
I tried to convey this to my friends but I'm rubbish at confronting and ended up leaving :(
What does everyone think?

OP posts:

Storminateapot · 20/12/2016 17:53

You should be proud and so should she. My DD (now 6th form) has today come home with a sponsored GCSE subject prize and an award for average A*\A at GCSE. I'm immensely proud of her, she worked hard & deserved it.
My sons are less academic but also get opportunities to earn kudos for their strengths in school. They are more sporty.

It's an outstanding school in every sense and really gets it right in terms of opportunities to achieve in so many different ways.

elodie2000 · 20/12/2016 18:03

As a teacher I am so fed up of very able students not getting the recognition they deserve. YANBU.

elodie2000 · 20/12/2016 18:05

I should have said 'very able and hardworking'.

Sybys · 20/12/2016 18:14

I think schemes like that are important. I went to good state schools for both primary and secondary. I'm naturally academic and, particularly in primary school, found everything very easy. I was the only student excluded from some academic competitions in school, and wasn't given anything to challenge me.

I basically got very, very used to coasting and have really struggled with my work ethic since the age of about 14 and never really developed any particular interests. I've done okay for myself, but I can't help but think that if I had been given any reason to push myself in my formative years, I might have achieved a lot more and actually developed some self-motivation!

You should be very proud of your daughter, the scheme could be important for her. All children need to be academically challenged, including those who might not feel stimulated by their usual classes. I expect that some of the comments are sour grapes.

toomanypetals · 20/12/2016 18:14

YANBU

My ds is 10. Very bright, talented at music (Just passed grade 5 piano with merit) but also hard-working and kind/thoughtful.

He's hardly rewarded or recognised. One of the few opportunities to applaud his music is the yearly talent show. He's never won a prize. Even though he practices hard. The prizes go to the least able kids because they've shown courage. Which I think is great but it's giving my ds the message that talent and hard work aren't rewarded.

sugarplumfairy28 · 20/12/2016 18:44

You should be very proud, and you should shout about it as much as you want. Your daughters hard work has paid and given her a very special opportunity.

I also have an incredibly bright child. My parents out and out refuse to speak about his achievements in front of my brother for fear of making him feel second best as a parent or something. It is soul destroying for my DS to constantly hear the praises of his cousins and then stopped in his path for making any attempt to speak his achievements.

So yes, validate your DDs hard work and effort.

pointythings · 20/12/2016 18:53

You should be proud of your DD. And you should be glad that her school acknowledges her hard work. Too many schools don't take notice of the quiet ones - not the quiet really academic ones, not the quiet really hard workers either.

lovelearning · 20/12/2016 18:57

It is soul destroying for my DS to constantly hear the praises of his cousins and then stopped in his path for making any attempt to speak his achievements.

TataEs · 20/12/2016 20:03

yanbu
imo a natural gift for something, like sport or music is celebrated and parents seems very accepting of 'little johnny made the county football team' comments, but being naturally academic is almost frowned upon and 'little johnny has been accepted onto an advanced program from those particularly adept at maths' is just bragging... it's ludicrous.

toomanypetals · 20/12/2016 20:13

Yes I've found this. My ds is a quiet, introverted boy. So the boys who 'fit the mould' and do well at football, are praised all the time.

I'm actually going to meet the Head after Christmas. He's been a hard working, talented piano player for four academic years now. Highest groups in maths/writing etc and not one formal recognition from the school.

andintothefire · 20/12/2016 20:27

I think it is very important (perhaps with girls especially) for children to be able to feel proud of their academic achievements and ambition. Of course we should all realise that there is more to life than being good at things. However, there is so much damage done to clever children by forcing them to be self-deprecating all the time. So of course you should be proud, just as you would be equally proud of your son for performing to the best of his abilities.

busyrascal · 20/12/2016 20:40

I also have a very academic dd, although she is only just 6yo.
Her school is so far very encouraging, they have G&T sessions teaching philosophy from Y2 upwards and her teacher sought me out the other day especially to tell me how well she had done in her end-of-term reading assessment.
I do feel though as a general rule that it is less socially acceptable to talk about dd's academic success in the same way that someone might about their dc's sporting achievements for example. My dd is not very physically able, can't ride a scooter let alone a bike, and didn't walk until she was nearly two. People were at the time very interested in talking to me and reassuring me about the fact that she couldn't walk yet, but I always felt like I got a bit of a whenever I pointed out that she could however already count to ten.
I fear that I've become socially conditioned to down-play her academic ability. I sometimes wonder if it harks back to the days of being labelled a 'boffin' at secondary school...

busyrascal · 20/12/2016 20:42

Are you me?

Finola1step · 20/12/2016 20:48

YANBU.

I have found through being both a teacher and parent that many areas of excellence are encouraged and celebrated. Sporting prowess, musicianship, drama skills, amazing artwork and holding a tune are all rightfully celebrated. But for some reason the celebration of academic skills is a bit of a no no. A bit boastful even. Bloody ridiculous.

cometprancerdancer · 21/12/2016 06:56

I don't understand these threads. If you are proud of your child be proud. Why do you need others to tell you it's ok to be proud? Really weird. Can you not just be proud?

MrsHiddleston · 21/12/2016 07:05

You should be proud! And why the hell do your friends think that favouring academic kids in this manner is a problem? It's about time a child's academic achievement and efforts were rewarded and celebrated. My school life was a nightmare due to being a bright child, I was ridiculed, mocked and called swotty by whole school life. I was always planning on university but the story was very different with my DH. My DH had something similar happen to him when he was 14. He was exceptional at maths so was awarded a place on a week long maths summer school in a university. This was an eye opener for him, he suddenly realised university was an option for him. He's now a PhD in Physics.

Footinmouthasusual · 21/12/2016 07:11

Good on your dd op and your friends sound jealous.

I too had invisible children and visible ones. My dss behaved well but were confident loud and jokey and teachers loved them. They got picked for teams and plays etc and although bright were academically lazy.

Dds quiet, artistic, thoughtful kind and tried hard. Had far less attention and praise although deserved it more.

When I was a TA in reception I specifically and daily targeted each 'invisibie child' for a quiet word of praise and encouragement telling them how great they were and well done.

perfectlybroken · 21/12/2016 07:13

Similar to Giles my ds1 is extremely well behaved. (by some miracle, not my wonderful parenting). This has never been acknowledged by the school, other than a couple of comments made to me by the teacher. However he has numerous awards for maths, which he's really behind with! I'm glad he has these, and I do get it, but I do feel they could recognise those who are consistently good, or bright etc more. I hope your dd has a wonderful time and that you enjoy feeling proud of her!

Nicpem1982 · 21/12/2016 07:27

YANBU you should be proud of your dd.

Your friends sound a little jealous - be sure to keep them updates of your dds progress 😄

FrostyWind · 21/12/2016 07:29

YANBU

GreatFuckability · 21/12/2016 07:30

curiousowl I recognise a lot of what you say and there definitely are aspects of it that are shit, but I still think in the long run finding academic stuff easy is a huge life advantage.

duplodancer · 21/12/2016 07:34

You should be very proud. Well done her.
In my experience though, in lots of schools, the top achievers do get lots of attention and rewards at school, along with the low achievers. It's the middle achieving kids who get ignored. Difficult to fix that I guess but it's annoying.

SharingMichelle · 21/12/2016 07:39

the whole scheme was widely criticised for favouring the 'smarter' kids over the kids who may not be as academically minded.

Do they also criticise sports teams for choosing the kids who are good at sport?

nerdymum · 21/12/2016 08:00

Be proud! I think that academic achievements are somehow less considered than others or simplt taken for granted ("This is was you should be doing anyway"). I've always been very academic yet all praises used to go to the sporty students. It can be a little discouraring.
Once I had a work colleague referring to university as a "waste of time" and being completely blase about not knowing basic history, such as the difference between the I and II WW, the destruction of Pompeii or even the Industrial Revolution. Very invested in Hollyoaks though.

Although I used to get bored I enjoyed every step of the academic ladder though - including postgrad. I had very supportive parents that never put too much pressure on me (they were happy for me to pass) but were proud if I got an A or Distinction.

So yes. Be proud and share the joy.

nerdymum · 21/12/2016 08:01

*:this is what", even. Sorry!

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