to be proud of my daughters achievements

[mamatiger83]

So, my daughter who is 10 is an extremely bright young girl (I'm not just biased) and her school invited her to take part in some extra-curricular work that involves visiting universities and working with phd tutors, resulting in a piece of work that if they pass they will have a sort of graduation ceremony. The idea is to show that from a young age it is possible to aim high and work hard to achieve something. I am very proud of her this and she has worked her socks off. There were another 11 students chosen for this also, they were selected based on teachers recommendations, behaviour and marks achieved in school. I see no problem with this. However, when speaking to a group of friends the whole scheme was widely criticised for favouring the 'smarter' kids over the kids who may not be as academically minded. While I don't disagree that there is more then one kind of intelligence and every child is unique and special I feel that this was really awful. In my experience it is the children who do not perform as well at school, or do not behave as well that receive the most rewards, i.e - headteachers awards etc. I am not stating that as a fact, its just an opinion based on the schooling my children have received. My son for example, he is not interested in school work and will find any reason to avoid it despite being imo very clever, he made very little effort, however, when he did he was given praise and rewarded with certificates and such. My daughter who loves to do school work and consistently scores high on spelling/maths tests or does her homework as soon as she is assigned has never received a single reward. (I hope this making sense!!).
So, for me, this opportunity for her was some sort of validation that yes she is being noticed which I thought was great and very deserved.
I tried to convey this to my friends but I'm rubbish at confronting and ended up leaving :(
What does everyone think?

[CrazyGreyhoundLady]

YANBU at all! How wonderful for you and your daughter! I was bright as a kid and as PP have said often you can end up bullied by the other children and your achievements ignored by the teachers. My favourite teacher was the one who noticed and found extra things for me to learn to push me and who always found time on parents evening to tell my parents how well I was doing. Seemed to make it worth while to a very shy little girl. Got better when I was put onto a gifted and talented program, they did special classes and trips to help push us which was wonderful.

As for your judgy, unkind, jealous 'friends' ignore them! And make sure you give then plenty of updates on this fantastic opportunity your dd has. I'd be tempted to go "oh didn't your dd/ds get onto the program?" but I'm a little lot catty and this probably isn't the best way to handle it. As PP have said maybe ask if your friends think picking the ones who are talented at sports for the sports teams is unfair, because it is the same principle in a different area!

The most important thing here is that you have a wonderful talented dd who teachers are recognising, praising and helping to excel and she has a mummy who she knows is proud and supportive of her. Well done to you both, she's a credit to you, don't let them spoil that joy.

[PhilODox]

curiousowl I'm guessing you haven't been in many selective schools? Sadly, I know far too many children that have been laughed at, or bullied, for being only grade 5, or being on the B team.

This attitude to academic achievement only exists if you allow it to. If you show your children how much you value academic study, though do take care to reward effort made rather than outcomes as not all children are as able as OP's child, then they will value an academic ethos. Choose schools that are academic for your children, go in and help schools, perhaps by offering extra-curricular activities or workshops that stretch those able pupils, for example, the school where I was a governor, where a governor went in every week and ran a stretch maths session for able pupils (he was a retired maths lecturer) - yes he had specific skill set, but I'm pretty sure lots of parents on here do too, MNers on the whole are v well educated.

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

Two of my children struggle and get extra help. Which is great. But I'm with you - just because she is clever doesn't mean you can't be proud and she can't be proud of what she's attained.

Well done littletiger, celebrate your achievements!

[mamatiger83]

TheMortificadosDragon
The project is STEM based and the emphasis was on maths, specifically ancient maths and Pythagoras theorem

[mamatiger83]

Perhaps my post was incorrectly titled, thanks to one snotty and unnecessary comment I should point out I don't need anybody to tell me it's ok to be proud of my daughter. The point of this thread was the attitude surrounding celebrating a very academic child. It's a shame that anybody feels the need to be so needlessly negative :(

[youarenotkiddingme]

I agree completely.

My ds has an amazing ability with coding and logical maths.

But he also has asd, sensory motor disorder, extremely poor literacy skills and behaviour linked to poor social communication.

He is awarded for effort towards the things he struggles with and I've always felt he should be awarded for things he can achieve in well. I think it would help him realise he is actually good at something.

Massive congratulations to your DD. And if anyone says that the scheme rewards the academic I'd reply "well yes, that's the whole point of it!"

[WitchSharkadder]

I agree with you completely, OP.

I also have a very academic DC, we're very lucky in his schools have always been encouraging and supportive. He sat one of his GCSEs in the summer, in Year 7, we discussed it at length with him & his teachers before we went ahead but absolutely wanted to do it and got top marks. The cat's bum mouths were ridiculous from some people, apparently I'm an awful parent for putting him under so much pressure so young, I'm hot housing him etc, etc.

It couldn't be further from the truth actually, he's always been gifted in that subject and it was me who was the most apprehensive out of everyone. There was discussion about him doing his science GCSEs this year but I've said no until year 9 because I think it's a lot of stress.

Ignore them, like a PP said, nobody gets this if they talk about their kids sporting/musical/gymnastics/whatever achievements. It's very unfair.

[opinionatedfreak]

I was an academically able child.

I got thoroughly fed up at school of other people's achievements - sport, drama, music, art being lauded but mine being ignored. The school line was that it was unfair to the less able children to praise the high achievers.

I failed then and I fail now to understand why this only applies to academic talent.

I was never going to win any other prizes as I was so tuneless I was excluded from the whole school choir (quite an achievement

[TheMortificadosDragon]

OP, that sounds like a great scheme, and of course you should be proud of your DD. They didn't get their places merely by being effortlessly clever, did they?

What subject area is it? (just being nosy )

[Pilgit]

At my school the only achievement worth anything was sporting prowess. Everything else went ignored. Musicians were expected to trot out and represent the school at all sorts of things but our achieve were never recognised and there was no thanks - no acknowledgment of our hard work and commitment. It was the same with academic success - it was somehow shameful to enjoy school work and be good at academics. Bloody frustrating!

[nerdymum]

*:this is what", even. Sorry!

[nerdymum]

Be proud! I think that academic achievements are somehow less considered than others or simplt taken for granted ("This is was you should be doing anyway"). I've always been very academic yet all praises used to go to the sporty students. It can be a little discouraring.
Once I had a work colleague referring to university as a "waste of time" and being completely blase about not knowing basic history, such as the difference between the I and II WW, the destruction of Pompeii or even the Industrial Revolution. Very invested in Hollyoaks though.

Although I used to get bored I enjoyed every step of the academic ladder though - including postgrad. I had very supportive parents that never put too much pressure on me (they were happy for me to pass) but were proud if I got an A or Distinction.

So yes. Be proud and share the joy.

[SharingMichelle]

the whole scheme was widely criticised for favouring the 'smarter' kids over the kids who may not be as academically minded.

Do they also criticise sports teams for choosing the kids who are good at sport?

[duplodancer]

You should be very proud. Well done her.
In my experience though, in lots of schools, the top achievers do get lots of attention and rewards at school, along with the low achievers. It's the middle achieving kids who get ignored. Difficult to fix that I guess but it's annoying.

[GreatFuckability]

curiousowl I recognise a lot of what you say and there definitely are aspects of it that are shit, but I still think in the long run finding academic stuff easy is a huge life advantage.

[FrostyWind]

YANBU

[Nicpem1982]

YANBU you should be proud of your dd.

Your friends sound a little jealous - be sure to keep them updates of your dds progress 😄

[perfectlybroken]

Similar to Giles my ds1 is extremely well behaved. (by some miracle, not my wonderful parenting). This has never been acknowledged by the school, other than a couple of comments made to me by the teacher. However he has numerous awards for maths, which he's really behind with! I'm glad he has these, and I do get it, but I do feel they could recognise those who are consistently good, or bright etc more. I hope your dd has a wonderful time and that you enjoy feeling proud of her!

[Footinmouthasusual]

Good on your dd op and your friends sound jealous.

I too had invisible children and visible ones. My dss behaved well but were confident loud and jokey and teachers loved them. They got picked for teams and plays etc and although bright were academically lazy.

Dds quiet, artistic, thoughtful kind and tried hard. Had far less attention and praise although deserved it more.

When I was a TA in reception I specifically and daily targeted each 'invisibie child' for a quiet word of praise and encouragement telling them how great they were and well done.

[MrsHiddleston]

You should be proud! And why the hell do your friends think that favouring academic kids in this manner is a problem? It's about time a child's academic achievement and efforts were rewarded and celebrated. My school life was a nightmare due to being a bright child, I was ridiculed, mocked and called swotty by whole school life. I was always planning on university but the story was very different with my DH. My DH had something similar happen to him when he was 14. He was exceptional at maths so was awarded a place on a week long maths summer school in a university. This was an eye opener for him, he suddenly realised university was an option for him. He's now a PhD in Physics.

[cometprancerdancer]

I don't understand these threads. If you are proud of your child be proud. Why do you need others to tell you it's ok to be proud? Really weird. Can you not just be proud?

[Finola1step]

YANBU.

I have found through being both a teacher and parent that many areas of excellence are encouraged and celebrated. Sporting prowess, musicianship, drama skills, amazing artwork and holding a tune are all rightfully celebrated. But for some reason the celebration of academic skills is a bit of a no no. A bit boastful even. Bloody ridiculous.

[busyrascal]

I basically got very, very used to coasting and have really struggled with my work ethic since the age of about 14 and never really developed any particular interests. I've done okay for myself, but I can't help but think that if I had been given any reason to push myself in my formative years, I might have achieved a lot more and actually developed some self-motivation!

Are you me?

[busyrascal]

I also have a very academic dd, although she is only just 6yo.
Her school is so far very encouraging, they have G&T sessions teaching philosophy from Y2 upwards and her teacher sought me out the other day especially to tell me how well she had done in her end-of-term reading assessment.
I do feel though as a general rule that it is less socially acceptable to talk about dd's academic success in the same way that someone might about their dc's sporting achievements for example. My dd is not very physically able, can't ride a scooter let alone a bike, and didn't walk until she was nearly two. People were at the time very interested in talking to me and reassuring me about the fact that she couldn't walk yet, but I always felt like I got a bit of a whenever I pointed out that she could however already count to ten.
I fear that I've become socially conditioned to down-play her academic ability. I sometimes wonder if it harks back to the days of being labelled a 'boffin' at secondary school...

[andintothefire]

I think it is very important (perhaps with girls especially) for children to be able to feel proud of their academic achievements and ambition. Of course we should all realise that there is more to life than being good at things. However, there is so much damage done to clever children by forcing them to be self-deprecating all the time. So of course you should be proud, just as you would be equally proud of your son for performing to the best of his abilities.