Another mil one, sorry!

[HeSaysRhiannonDontGo]

Dh's mum lives about an hours drive away from us. We visit her every second weekend. I like her, she can be annoying at times, but so can I!
Ds is almost two and at the horrible tantruming stage. He's very active and loves running about and exploring things (like most toddlers I'm sure)
However mil always wants ds to go sit on her knee, give her cuddles etc and he ends up screaming to get down, she tries to hold onto him and the result is a full on screaming match which I am left to deal with.
She also tells him not to touch every single thing he touches. She never moves anything special or expensive out of his reach before we arrive, despite me saying that he grabs everything so best to move anything precious. Every two seconds it's "no, don't touch ds, no don't touch that." Her house is so small and he is told not to touch anything, he ends up bored and frustrated, then when the inevitable
Crying starts she says he is getting to be a right moaner. Drives me mad!
He is only like this at hers, at my parents they just let him get on and have fun, anything that can break or is dangerous is moved up high and then they don't have to keep saying no don't touch to him. He is so happy at my parents and loves staying there. Mil wants him to start staying at hers in the new year, she has never asked before. Wibu to say no, given everything that I have explained. Ds will be bored, and then I will have to hear how he moaned all night and is so whingey
Etc etc. She also smokes in the house, around ds. I take him outside or upstairs but I know if he was alone with her she would just light up in front of him.
So as not to drip feed, ds is very wary of mil, my parents live next to us so he knows them really well and
always runs to them for cuddles. Mil
is jealous of their close relationship and I do understand that it must suck but not anything I can do if he doesn't want to hug and kiss her, I'm not going to force him!
Dh agrees with me but obviously feels guilty about saying no to her request to have to stay, but what else can we say??

Smoking .... Not a chance I'd be leaving my kid to be amoked around.

On the not moving stuff, really her perogative.

On the forced cuddles I'd cut them short before he got upset

I wouldn't take ds to a house where people smoke indoors full stop. Tbh I avoid smokers houses too - you smell so badly after you e been in them you need to wash and wash clothes to get rid of it. Regular visits to a house saturated with second and third hand smoke is really unhealthy

If she's too unwell to leave the house then she's not capable of looking after a vigorous two year old.

Not touching stuff - well I can sort of see the point there. Kids do need to learn

Forced affection- nope.

The smoking would be the deal breaker for me as far as staying over.

Please don't compare the way your parents are with DS and the way MiL is. Each person is entitled to set their own household rules. And it's a very important lesson for children that different people/places have different rules and we must abide by them. Your MiL doesn't love DS less and isn't a 'worse' grandparent because she chooses not to put things up or give him free rein of her cupboards. The enforced kissing, cuddles are not on, of course.

I wouldn't move things either, kids need to learn what's OK to play with and what's not; I'd take some favourite toys when you visit so he doesn't get bored. The smoking would definitely make staying over a big no no for me though x

ahum, it's perfectly reasonable to keep your house the way your like it and expect parents to actually supervise their children. I am not removing anything for my own children, why should I do it for someone else? Take a hint, not everybody enjoy seeing your snowflake climbing furniture, rummaging through your cupboards, drawing on your walls, destroying ornaments and find it cute because they are so "adventurous, artistic and precious". They are nothing of the sort, they are a nightmare.

see, I have a toddler who just won't stop for no. What it means, in a house like the OP describes, is that I or my DH are just saying No every ten seconds. I have always said no to stuff, the quality of my 'no' is not lacking (I am a teacher and can stop a class of reception kids with one raised eyebrow) You can't have a conversation, you can't have a drink, you are dealing with a stropping, flailing hysterical toddler within about half an hour. It just does not work, and it is nothing to do with thinking one's child is a special snowflake.

My older dc grew out of it and is now impeccably behaved. I am still waiting for the younger one to. I did have one in the middle who just never got into anything, it was amazing! In the meantime, we choose where we go very carefully, both so that people who are not tolerant of toddlers (and why should they be after all?) and dangerous places are avoided. I have to live my life too, in as peaceful a way as can be managed.

" We invite her to ours and she says no, she wouldn't even come over for his birthday party this year, we had all the family over but she wanted us to go to her so she could see him alone."
That kind of jumped out at me. And put a picture of Smaug the dragon jealously guarding his treasure with his tail curled around a pile of gold, smoke curling from his nostrils ...

She wouldn't come to his birthday party? She is either VERY ill or very self-centred. Doesn't want to see grandson interacting with others better than he interacts with her. Determined he should behave as she wants him to, rather than as he/others are happy with.

I think all you can do is have an honest talk with your MIL. 'He's 2, he wants to touch everything it's how he learns. He doesn't want to sit on your knee and the more you insist on it the more he with pull away from you.' Etc. etc.

TBH is sounds more as if she's attracted to some mythical idea of a grandchild than to an actual real live grandchild .

I had a father who was like this about wanting time alone with my baby daughter, and kept trying to take her away from me.. He had a fixation on small female children To be honest I felt that there was a perverse and abusive element at work.

We don't want to see women as predatory or abusive - yet there is something about an older person wanting to touch a very small person who does not want to be touched - and to be left alone with them, which should be a cause of concern.

I think there are grandparents - of both genders - who should not be allowed unsupervised contact with grandchildren.

Smoking - yadnbu. Forced affection - again yadnbu. Being told no - yabu.

A 2 year old is old enough to understand no, even if it takes a lot of reinforcing. Opening cupboards and drawers in someone else's house isn't on, even if he's just being inquisitive. Also how does a 2 year old differentiate between cupboards with cereal and cupboards with cleaning chemicals or drawers with towels and drawers with knifes? From a safety perspective alone that's behaviour I'd be wanting to try and stop.

If you want the visits to continue then why don't you get a box of toys for DS to keep at grans? He might well be bored if its the same toys he has at home that you bring over but if it's different toys then that might hold his attention longer.

The smoking in the house alone would be enough to put me off going there at all, never mind staying the night!

I don't know why he is there at all when MIL smokes. I would refuse to take him unless she agreed not to smoke around him.

Whereyouleftit has summed it all up beautifully. She's not interested in her grandson but the idea of a grandchild. And her idea of a grandchild is one the sits on her lap quietly and tells her, "I love you" and accepts kisses all the time. This is NO ONE'S reality and if she was left alone with him, the whole situation would go south very quickly. Never mind the smoking and the fact that she is so ill she won't leave the house, that already rules her out as someone suitable to be left looking after a toddler overnight! Honestly, OP, the fact that she wants him to herself makes her sound like a narc and that is not a relationship you should inflict on your child, especially without you there to protect him.