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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another mil one, sorry!

86 replies

HeSaysRhiannonDontGo · 20/12/2016 09:04

Dh's mum lives about an hours drive away from us. We visit her every second weekend. I like her, she can be annoying at times, but so can I!
Ds is almost two and at the horrible tantruming stage. He's very active and loves running about and exploring things (like most toddlers I'm sure)
However mil always wants ds to go sit on her knee, give her cuddles etc and he ends up screaming to get down, she tries to hold onto him and the result is a full on screaming match which I am left to deal with.
She also tells him not to touch every single thing he touches. She never moves anything special or expensive out of his reach before we arrive, despite me saying that he grabs everything so best to move anything precious. Every two seconds it's "no, don't touch ds, no don't touch that." Her house is so small and he is told not to touch anything, he ends up bored and frustrated, then when the inevitable
Crying starts she says he is getting to be a right moaner. Drives me mad!
He is only like this at hers, at my parents they just let him get on and have fun, anything that can break or is dangerous is moved up high and then they don't have to keep saying no don't touch to him. He is so happy at my parents and loves staying there. Mil wants him to start staying at hers in the new year, she has never asked before. Wibu to say no, given everything that I have explained. Ds will be bored, and then I will have to hear how he moaned all night and is so whingey
Etc etc. She also smokes in the house, around ds. I take him outside or upstairs but I know if he was alone with her she would just light up in front of him.
So as not to drip feed, ds is very wary of mil, my parents live next to us so he knows them really well and
always runs to them for cuddles. Mil
is jealous of their close relationship and I do understand that it must suck but not anything I can do if he doesn't want to hug and kiss her, I'm not going to force him!
Dh agrees with me but obviously feels guilty about saying no to her request to have to stay, but what else can we say??

OP posts:
1horatio · 20/12/2016 10:24

Astro she just wants to sit in the house and smoke. We invite her to ours and she says no, she wouldn't even come over for his birthday party this year, we had all the family over but she wanted us to go to her so she could see him alone.

Sounds quite horrible.

However, your DS does not need to sit on her lap, get a kiss, give her a kiss or anything like this if he doesn't want to! He gets to decide whether he's ok with physical affections like hugs from somebody or not!!

What else? I do think it's reasonable to teach kids to not touch everything.
Unless it's something truly irreplaceable I wouldn't put it away.

1horatio · 20/12/2016 10:26

Plus, the smoking??
Call me precious and overly concerned. But nobody gets to smoke around DD.

My father washes his hands, his mouth etc before he carries DD.

Some may say it's rude or disrespectful. But DD is a baby and your son is a toddler. It's just so unhealthy.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 20/12/2016 10:29

Of course with a regular small child visiting you dont keep precious stuff around then spend your precious time being boring - saying dont touch!

A one off visit maybe not on regular basis.

OP can you suggest she moves stuff? " Mil, I am worried about your precious items - would it be a good idea to do what my parents do AND MOVE THINGS?"

No way to staying there until she shows more understanding of a small dc!

NiceFalafels · 20/12/2016 10:35

shes clearly very boring and needy. I think you have to take the lead and show her how to engage with him. Maybe explain that he needs exercise first. So tell her you're taking him to the park/soft play/garden and let him run round each time you visit. She can choose to come or not. He clearly needs to wear himself out before sitting nicely and watching a film on her lap.

PeteAndManu · 20/12/2016 10:38

Could you bring her to your house? Realise it is a long drive but may help if your son has a bit more freedom. Is there anything they could do together my MIL does drawing and cooking and it's something special they do together. You may need to model to her how to play with him? If he is getting upset take charge before he gets really upset, oh dear I think he getting a bit wriggly how about doing X with him? She could read to him? Colouring? Would bring proactive and suggesting what she could do work? She may just not realise. My parents weren't that comfortable with them when they were small but are great now they are a bit older and more independent.

Could you go to a park and she watches? Go on a steam train? Something outside but where she doesn't have to be active.

pklme · 20/12/2016 10:50

If MiL smokes in her house, then the furniture and her clothes will be saturated with toxins. The advice with my FCs was that their BPs couldn't hold them for half an hour after a cigarette, and needed to wash their hands.

Not smoking while he is there is not good enough.

MiddleClassProblem · 20/12/2016 11:09

I'm surprised you aren't more upset about the smoking. That would be a real issue. DH stay at MILs as she is an indoor chain smoker and tries to get her to vape in the hours before and during visits with DD, either out and about or at ours. I do feel bad that she misses out on time with DD but DH is right when he says she has a choice and hasn't made an effort to quit. It hurts him a lot as he feels she's choosing smoking over his daughter but it must be hard for her as she has been smoking for nearly 60 years. I think if she just made a move to cut down or quit he would be elated.

dingdongthewitchishere · 20/12/2016 11:24

Of course with a regular small child visiting you dont keep precious stuff around then spend your precious time being boring - saying dont touch!

ahum, it's perfectly reasonable to keep your house the way your like it and expect parents to actually supervise their children. I am not removing anything for my own children, why should I do it for someone else? Take a hint, not everybody enjoy seeing your snowflake climbing furniture, rummaging through your cupboards, drawing on your walls, destroying ornaments and find it cute because they are so "adventurous, artistic and precious". They are nothing of the sort, they are a nightmare.

I am sure you manage to avoid your toddler putting his fingers in an electric plug or drinking bleach, even if he tries 50 times in 10 minutes. It works exactly the same way with other people property. When you put it this way, it's not that difficult after all, is it?

WonderMike · 20/12/2016 11:28

The smoking would do it for me.

We have similar MIL issues in that she rarely, rarely comes here but would expect us to drive for 2.5 hours to hers then sit on her sofa until it's time to drive the 2.5 hours back and would tutt at the kids if they move or make a noise. No understanding that there were 4 energetic overexcited kids in front of her who were acting out of character because they'd been couped up all day. So then we'd arrive, offer to take her to the park, she'd refuse, we'd run the kids ragged after the journey, they'd then be able to sit for a bit, then we'd get them some fresh air until it was time to go home and yes we are putting them in pjs at 6.30 did you really expect them to stay awake in the car until 9pm when we finally get home?

LouBlue1507 · 20/12/2016 11:30

YANBU - The smoking, that's a deal breaker.
YANBU - The forced affection.

YABU - To expect MIL move things around for your DC. Whether your DC is nosey or not, he needs to be taught that rummaging through other people's cupboards is not acceptable.
Bring some toys for DC and you tell him no when he tried to touch things he shouldn't.

JustSpeakSense · 20/12/2016 15:13

YANBU

Original poster
HeSaysRhiannonDontGo · 20/12/2016 15:19

ding in no way is my ds a snowflake, sometimes I worry dh and I are too strict at times, he definitely has boundaries. But mil always asks us to come over, takes the huff if we can't, but then won't let him do anything!

OP posts:
TheVeryThing · 20/12/2016 15:23

It does sound difficult, given the various constraints. I would keep visits to her house to a minimum tbh, and try to figure out how to encourage a relationship by other means.
If her health is not great, then how would she look after a toddler overnight? She doesn't sound very hands on as it is.

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2016 15:27
Jiggl · 20/12/2016 15:42

I won't bring my DC to stay in a house where someone smokes indoors. He also wont be forced to be someone's doll and I loathe seeing people who paw toddlers that clearly don't want kisses and cuddles.

YokoUhOh · 20/12/2016 15:52

Totally disagree with most people on here.

Your DS is behaving in a totally age-appropriate way and getting told off for it must be frustrating for him.

My PILs can't cope with more than about a day of my DC. They're too fussy and stuck in their ways and prone to drama so we meet for a picnic/day out instead.

Gottagetmoving · 20/12/2016 15:56

Why do you want your 2 year old opening cupboards?
Your MIL is right to say no to that. There could be stuff in a cupboard that could harm him..or should she move everything that is a potential hazard because he must be allowed to rummage?
I can't see anything wrong in her telling him not to touch things she doesn't want him to touch however, it would be nice if she provided some things he can explore a bit and touch.
The smoking things is definitely not on. I cannot understand a grandparent who would inflict that on a grandchild.

drurylanesmuffins · 20/12/2016 16:05

I would go NC

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 20/12/2016 16:08

Next time you go over, take some toys for him to play with.

Accept that MIL does not want anything touched. I see both points of view here - children learn through touch and MIL doesn't like her things touched. She is not being unreasonable for that. Her home, her rules whether you think it is right or not, he isn't being permanently damaged by it.

If you don't like the smoking then you are 100% within your rights to say no. Personally I would too and because my child is important to me more than 'hurting feelings' Inwould have nonissue saying no and giving a reason.

The visiting - can she drive? Is there another reason why she cannot or finds it tricky to make the visit to your house? If not then explain that fuel costs and your DS finding it difficult coping in other people's houses at the moment means a once a month visit is more realistic and she can come in between on the fortnight to visit you.

Don't feel guilty for her making comments about your son's relationship with your own mum. Be honest and say that DS sees them a lot because they are nearer and they come to you to visit and she doesn't and that he can freely explore in their house whereas he can't at MILs.

As for no kiss and cuddle. Tell her! It isn't acceptable to expect anyone to be forced to sit on someone's knee and have cuddles etc.

Sounds like she isn't as maternally as your DM.

Footle · 20/12/2016 16:09

OP, why does he go to a house where someone smokes ?

OzzieFem · 20/12/2016 16:13

After 30 yrs living with smokers it wasn't until later that I realized smokers quite literally stink Now I can tell who smokes on meeting them for the first time, so it is no wonder your son doesn't want to kiss MIL. Even the paintwork in smokers bedrooms are noticeably darker then elsewhere in the house.

As for the opening of cupboards, that can can easily be solved by MIL getting some of the childproof gadgets from Ikea that fix inside to stop young children opening them. Yes, you need to teach your son to stop touching things in other peoples houses, however you cannot expect a 2 yr old to be still for hours. Sounds like you need to restrict your visits to a maximum of 1 hour so you don't get mental fatigue! Wink

PrimalLass · 20/12/2016 16:19

I don't think getting kids to not touch other things/not go through cupboards is in anyway unreasonable. Sorry.

But most sensible grandparents who want a good relationship with their grandchildren make concessions and an effort.

PrimalLass · 20/12/2016 16:20

OP - I would just start refusing to go. Let your DH take him and put up with the tantrums.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/12/2016 16:21

No way would a small child be in a house where someone smoked inside.
Not a chance in hell.
I wouldn't want to be in a house where people smoke inside.
That on it's own is enough for you to say - NO WAY!!
Oh, and I'm a smoker but the thought of it inside - yeuk!!!!

dollydaydream114 · 20/12/2016 16:39

I wouldn't expect anyone to 'childproof' their house for a fortnightly visit from their grandchild, sorry. I get that it's stressful having to tell him 'no' all the time, but I do think you have to do that in other people's houses. He has to learn to be in spaces that aren't designed for kids and you have to bring things to the house to occupy him - not just one thing, but a box of things, and ideally things that she can do with him, like Duplo or colouring books or something.

But I agree he shouldn't be forced to sit on her lap for ages if he's not comfortable with that. I suspect the fact that she smells of smoke is probably one of the reasons he's not very cuddly with her, too. I also think that, while she deserves to have a relationship with her grandson, she needs to accept that it can't always be on exactly her terms. Sometimes she will need to come to the park where you can all take him to the playground or whatever. I also think it's completely reasonable not to want your son to stay over at her house - plenty of people wouldn't want to leave a child as young as two overnight at all, even without all the issues you've mentioned, so I think you'd be well within your rights just to say that he's not ready yet. Maybe, if you could get her to promise not to smoke in his presence and to tone down the forced hugs, you could leave him with her for an hour or two one afternoon and just see how he gets on? It might be that she's better with him when you're not there; some people are better with kids when they're left to their own devices I think.

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