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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL's visit from Father Christmas

94 replies

AliceFish16 · 20/12/2016 07:11

Morning!

I saw my in laws briefly yesterday and my mil said something to my DD (3.5) about Father Christmas leaving presents at her house for her and DS (baby) but only if they are good (we are going to them for Christmas Day).

We have told DD that Father Christmas only visits children not adults (as she asked what FC was bringing us, her grandparents etc). I know my mums presents to DC will be from her not FC and I don't really want other FC presents given to our children than anyone but ourselves (this is how it was when I was growing up).

AIBU to ask mil not to do this or should I stop being selfish/protective and let mil go ahead?

I realise how trivial this is but when I asked by DH he just brushed over it and I know my mum will say don't let her! So would love some other views!

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 20/12/2016 08:29

This reply has been deleted

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Rosa · 20/12/2016 08:31

My MIl is not putting a tree up but we are going there for lunch ( really looking forward to that) . She has this thing that Father Christmas leaves presents at her house. I have said no tree then no presents they will be from her and I will say as much.

NavyandWhite · 20/12/2016 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GourmetChild · 20/12/2016 08:37

Seeing the sheer joy in DS' grandparents eyes when talking about buying and giving him xmas gifts means I haven't said a word about what to get him, how much to get him or how and where it will all be given.

its within our power to give the grandparents a lot of joy in letting them do whatever they want present wise, and DS is none the wiser, still surrounded by people who love him and want him to have a wonderful xmas.

Have a wonderful xmas op!

Guavaf1sh · 20/12/2016 08:37

The wonderful thing about Father Christmas and all other fictional characters is that they can do anything you want them to do, present wise and in all ways, and you can bend the rules to suit yourself. Funny though when Father Christmas cultures 'clash'. He leaves presents all over with many relatives. No he doesn't he's very exact. He can deliver some presents ahead of the date. He wouldn't dream of that! Heretic! He only delivers to good children. FC would never be so unfair! It's like religion

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2016 08:37

"She has this thing that Father Christmas leaves presents at her house. I have said no tree then no presents they will be from her and I will say as much."

Oh, ffs!

BaggyCheeks · 20/12/2016 08:53

Rosa Eh?!

I'm glad you're taking the path of least resistance on this one. This sort of stuff is rarely worth the hassle. IMO, this sort of thing gives the Santa presents thing a bit of much needed flexibility. When people are too cut and dry about how Santa operates they can hardly be surprised when their children are devastated/heartbroken/insert-dramatic-emotion-here to find out that he isn't real at the age of 12.

Underparmummy · 20/12/2016 08:54

For me DH and I are FC and that is that. All attempts from MIL to be FC were thwarted when dd1 was 9 months old.

They had their time of being FC, for me it is definitely a parent thing nota grandparent thing.

ilongforlustre · 20/12/2016 08:59

Glad you've made your peace with it OP.

For what its worth Father Christmas used to visit me and all my cousins at my grandparents family party... days after Christmas. We would congregate in the front room, the one with the open fire and the Christmas tree with the ancient decorations. My granddad would be making hoof noises with goodness knows what in the kitchen. Fond memories.

I don't remember what presents we used to get...I remember the bean bags one year. We used to love it and I don't think any of us had our 'belief' compromised.

MrsDustyBusty · 20/12/2016 09:00

Well, after all, what is christmas if not an opportunity to micromanage your children's interactions with their wider family?

cricketballs · 20/12/2016 09:01

My DP did gifts from them, PIL did from Santa - my DSs have never been confused, upset or anything else other than happy at having presents

Now DS1 is 22 I can honestly say that all of the different ways that his GPs did Santa or finding out about about Santa has never harmed him! DS2 still believes Grin

Costacoffeeplease · 20/12/2016 09:06

its all nonsense

Precisely

All the fucking stage-managing-of-Father-Christmas-control-freakery, do some of you even listen to yourselves?

no tree no Santa

they had their chance to be Father Christmas

Jeez

SatsukiKusakabe · 20/12/2016 09:09

I kind of think it's the opposite, if FC is such a huge part of of Christmas it must be harder to "lose" him, whereas if it's just a smaller part of the whole, played as a little game with no one taking it too seriously or going overboard, he's not "missed".

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 20/12/2016 09:19

I would say 'oh that's just another way if saying granny's got some presents for you' if Dd is really confused. She probably won't be though. I remember feeling tolerant of adults who said 'what's Santa bringing you then?' Because a) how would I know, it's a surprise! And b) probably hair clips and bubble bath: the more interesting thing to know would be what my parents are giving me! But see (a)

NavyandWhite · 20/12/2016 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SatsukiKusakabe · 20/12/2016 09:22

My mum once insisted on dressing up as FC when she came over for Christmas dinner at SILs, everybody thought she'd jumped the shark but let her get on with it. Niece was terrified and she had to do a hasty reveal Xmas Grin

Krampus · 20/12/2016 09:40

I don't see a problem with asking her, it doesn't have to be angst ridden. We had the same issue, a few of us all had kids at the same time, once they were toddlers my Mil got out a huge bag of presents and said Santa had left them, some children looked confused. We had a pleasant quiet conversation and it was sorted. Mil hadn't meant to step on anyone's toes, we weren't precious but it's easier to get your stories straight early on. For years the whole operation was successfully carried out with some children thinking they came from Santa and others knowing they cane from her.

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2016 09:46

"A pleasant conversation" where the only possible response from the grandparents is "OK we'll do it your way"Grin

Even if the children were riefly confused, it could easily be cleared up by parents not wishing to use Father Christmas as a bargaining counter with "Wow- how clever of FC to find Grandma's house too!"

Costacoffeeplease · 20/12/2016 09:49

we weren't precious

No, not much

This thread is brilliantly batshit

Krampus · 20/12/2016 10:05

Not at all Bertrand, if it was very important to mil I would have gone along with her. It wasn't important to her it just what she thought everyone was doing, there were 4 different families of children involved with slightly different traditions. We all survived without hurt and stress. I wasn't that bothered by my kids confusion but we had to give some thought to what nieces and nephews in the same room were told.
2 x families who did only small stockings from Santa.
1 x family who did all pressies from prents from Santa, everything else from the person who gave it.
1 x family who did everything from Santa, so people had to say oh look what Santa left.
So at that family gathering mil played who they were from down, when giving them out. It avoided any young children telling the one child that of course those presents weren't from Santa and causing my sil questions.

Families should be able to have this type of a conversation without ww3 breaking out.

I have similar views to Satsuk at the top of the page.

user1480946351 · 20/12/2016 10:11

I would probably force DH into deciding with me on what OUR family will be doing and what traditions to set in place for our children. Then present a united front to all other family members

But you are part of a wider family and its not all about what you want. You can't force everyone to do it the way you want. You're a parent, you're not a King!

mummypeepee · 20/12/2016 10:21

Yanbu. She's done FC and her traditions with her kids now it's your turn with yours. I would insist presents from her are just that.. from her

Krampus · 20/12/2016 10:34

I think not being able to raise it with family as batshit.
None of it may be important to both parties, it may be vitally important to both parties it may be important only to one side. But no one is going to know unless it is raised.

It the type of thing that comes up in conversation decades later. I remember that you used to do xxxx. Really? That's what we thought that you wanted. No its what we thought what you thought you wanted.

SatsukiKusakabe · 20/12/2016 10:39

Exactly krampus

I think it's weirdly ageist to indulge grandparents in the same way as you do the children, instead of just having an equal conversation about how you'd like to do things.

The time in between those two stages of life is when you don't get an opinion on how you do things because it makes you a control freak Confused

timeisnotaline · 20/12/2016 10:39

It would depend on if my dh had had fc at his grandmas as well - in this case it is just how they did it. But if he didn't, then mil got to do fc for her children and now wants to do it for your children instead of just leaving the parenting stuff to the parents and being a lovely grandma.