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Original poster

DH told me he rates his mother's opinions more than mine

101 replies

theclick · 19/12/2016 22:21

During an argument. It was mostly over the fact that she keeps meddling in things eg our new house, basic decisions that should be all mine but she keeps sidling up to him and whispering in his ear, ltelling him what her preferences are (carpets, kettles, etc etc) when I've already told her what I've chosen.

We argued a lot as I have a general issue with how she always does this (and how he actively seeks her opinion).

Him saying this is a big deal for me and I don't think I can see a way back from it. It's annoyed me to the extent I've put him in the spare room.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Daisyfrumps · 20/12/2016 11:23

HE needs to nip this in the bud right now. He needs to understand in no uncertain terms that if he truly respects his mother's opinion more than yours, then he is making marriage impossible and you will be seeking legal advice.

If this is happening over the small stuff then it's only going to get much much worse. You didn't agree to marry MIL.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 20/12/2016 11:29

OP: "What do you think of this
kettle for the new kitchen, I quite fancy a nice glass one?"
DH: "Yeah, looks fine"

Few days later
DH: "I was talking to mum and she says glass kettles are awful and we should get a nice white plastic one"

From the above example, it sounds like she wants you get cheaper/inferior things.

Do you think she could be jealous? Or is she quite tight and wants you to be the same?

Gowgirl · 20/12/2016 11:31

You are all wrong glass kettles are horrible and plastic is naff, what you need I a ceramic McKenzie Childs gas kettle preferably in a courtly check!

Grin your welcome!

xStefx · 20/12/2016 11:34

I dont see the problem, just ignore what his mother says and do what you want to do. he will soon see that you take no notice of her opinion and not offer it to you. Oh and call him a mummys boy next time he says that, men hate that x

Ahickiefromkinickie · 20/12/2016 11:37

@Gowgirl

Ooh they are pretty. But I would just have it on the shelf looking pretty. and get a glass electric one

Gowgirl · 20/12/2016 11:54

They do some lovely enamelware as wellahickiefromknickie Grin

NotTheFordType · 20/12/2016 11:59

There are glass kettles now?

BlackeyedSusan · 20/12/2016 12:15

ex was like this with his sister. we agreeed stuff, them when we met up he backtracked and blamed me for his choices and ideas. drove me bonkers.

corythatwas · 20/12/2016 12:19

I agree with other posters that there is very little evidence that either you or his mother talk to him as if he were a functioning adult with the right to make roughly 50% of the decisions about the house he actually lives in.

Do you think you are the one who should be making decisions about kettles and house plans and where future children go to school? Because if so, I see no hope for this relationship.

The only way out would be if you could get him to accept that he must stand up for his own ideas- and that might include disagreeing with both you and mummy. And that there are ways in which the grown-ups of a relationship compromise and negotiate those disagreements without anything dreadful happening.

It will take some serious discussion, and you will really need to watch your language. If you keep saying "I have decided", as you have done in virtually every post on this thread, you will never get your message across.

Bobochic · 20/12/2016 12:23

His mother has no right to an opinion on your interior decoration or any other part of your domestic affairs.

Your husband does, however!

Original poster
theclick · 20/12/2016 14:03

So my choice of words is being over analysed. My DH is a strong, very successful man. He makes his own decisions on a daily basis. But his one key flaw is his relationship with his mum. She hero worships him, and I've realised recently he hero worships her.
That's the issue. I always consult DH before making any major decisions and he does consult me too. But he also consults his mum, and if she doesn't like the way our decision is going, she finds all kinds of ways to stop it.

OP posts:
SailingThroughTime · 20/12/2016 14:04

The Butterflies kettle is gorgeous Gowgirl though the check would match my kitchen better.

PuppetInParadize · 20/12/2016 18:30

OP, I am so sorry you are in this situation. I hope you can sort it out satisfactorily. I had very meddling parents and they often interfered with domestic decisions after DH and I married. The difference was that, though they didn't annoy me quite as much as they annoyed DH (I was used to them to a point and i recognised their redeeming features) , DH and I put up a united front. Generally speaking anyway (there might have been one or two times when DH was in the wrongGrin). It must be awful to be in your situation and I do see why you are upset.

redexpat · 20/12/2016 19:35

Have you seen SATC? Where Charlotte marries Trey and his interfering mother?

MycatsaPirate · 20/12/2016 19:43

We had a glass kettle. It sort of exploded and we had glass and boiling water fucking everywhere.

I don't understand why a) your MIL is in your house so often (twice a week?) or b) why there is so much discussion over house stuff?

This house:

Me: Kettles broken
DP: Shall I go and buy a new one?
Me: Ok. Just not glass
DP: Won't be long.

And DP goes and buys a kettle and we are all happy with a new kettle.

We pretty much do this with everything. One or other of us will buy what's needed. Just go and bloody buy the stuff and stop having huge discussions about it.

nickelbabeinamanger · 20/12/2016 21:02

A metal.kettle would probably be better.
glass kettles don't work here because our water us really hard.

A nice retro metal kettle would be lovely.
Our current kettle is green plastic. Mainly because our kettle broke and this one was reduced.

Patriciathestripper1 · 20/12/2016 21:53

Does no one have any taste?? Stainless steel kettles are the way to go and you can all go to the spare room till you learn to behave.

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2016 22:01

I have a glass kettle, it lights up blue when it's on,,,I like it, it's purty.😂

My DH is a strong, very successful man. He makes his own decisions on a daily basis.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 20/12/2016 23:09

Is 'hero-worships his mum' a roundabout way of saying he is a mummy's boy?

Lilifer · 21/12/2016 00:00

You can get glass kettles?? (missing point here but still..glass kettles...dont they crack?Confused

MycatsaPirate · 21/12/2016 11:13

Yes, we had a glass kettle which lit up blue and it was very pretty.

Right up until it cracked/exploded and we had glass and boiling water everywhere.

We now have a ceramic one. Much, much safer! (although I miss the lit up water :( )

VikingVolva · 26/12/2016 10:54

"So my choice of words is being over analysed."

Of course it isn't. It's being analysed, of course, because that's all we have to go on, and how you put things is highly relevant.

"My DH is a strong, very successful man. He makes his own decisions on a daily basis"

Workplace? Because that's not relevant - you can be quite different in different settings.

"But his one key flaw is his relationship with his mum. She hero worships him, and I've realised recently he hero worships her."

Yes, they are clearly very close and share the same taste, which is different to yours. This is unsurprising (as they share bit he nature and nurture). I think you are making a mistake in assuming that his taste matches yours when really it's closer to hers.

That they talk to each other and agree with each other, isn't a sign that they're ganging up. They're doing just what you say in the tin - having a good and communicative relationship. Something you will,want with your adult children idc.

I kniw that in MN the poster must always be right (and the MIL always wrong) but I think your earlier posts come across as harsh and bossy, and it's not over analysis to point out that made.

happychristmasbum · 26/12/2016 11:08

I suspect that if you have children she will ramp up her interference to EPIC levels.

I made this huge mistake of marrying a mummys boy once. They don't change.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 26/12/2016 11:53

The way I'm reading it, she's steering him to make your home how she wants it and thinks it should be. He's less asking her input than being her mouthpiece/proxy. So worrying lack of sensitivity/respect on her part for boundaries, she's good at manipulation of her ds, and her son isnt aware of this as a problem. I would think long and hard before adding a baby into this.

RaspberryOverloadsOnMincePies · 26/12/2016 11:59

VikingVolva I'd have agreed with your assessment until I read these snippets:

But he also consults his mum, and if she doesn't like the way our decision is going, she finds all kinds of ways to stop it.

somehow she got told of the floor plan and then I had her lobbying me saying it shouldn't be like that.

That's more than just a MIL expressing an opinion, that's someone actively interfering.

OP, don't plan any children yet, you really need to reevaluate your relationship and have a proper conversation with your DH.

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