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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told me he rates his mother's opinions more than mine

101 replies

theclick · 19/12/2016 22:21

During an argument. It was mostly over the fact that she keeps meddling in things eg our new house, basic decisions that should be all mine but she keeps sidling up to him and whispering in his ear, ltelling him what her preferences are (carpets, kettles, etc etc) when I've already told her what I've chosen.

We argued a lot as I have a general issue with how she always does this (and how he actively seeks her opinion).

Him saying this is a big deal for me and I don't think I can see a way back from it. It's annoyed me to the extent I've put him in the spare room.

What would you do?

OP posts:
justilou · 19/12/2016 23:32

Skip the middle man. Tell her that she won't be living there and to keep her opinions to herself or piss off out of your house for good.

Italiangreyhound · 19/12/2016 23:35

SheldonCRules "A parent should always be more important than a spouse."

I would argue the reverse, we choose our partners, we don't choose our parents. We can continue to love and respect them but if he constantly sides with mother it is going to cause friction.

theclick do you think she really wants to break you up? If so, explain to him that his mum is potentially going to cause you guys to break up. If you think she does not intend this, maybe tell her. She may be mortified to see her meddling could harm her son. But my concern would be she knows exactly what she is doing.

Your dh needs to cut the apron strings. He is being very immature, make sure he knows how this makes him look in your eyes IMHO.

Blackbird82 · 19/12/2016 23:59

Mark my words - a meddling MIL will have a horrendous impact on your marriage.

You need to address this with him asap and if he doesn't get it or see your point of view then think very carefully about your future with him.

missbishi · 20/12/2016 00:33

Are you planning on having any DC? If so, MIL really needs sorting before any arrive else the meddling will get worse.

FireSquirrel · 20/12/2016 02:21

Tell him to toddle off back to mumsy. What a tool.

ToastDemon · 20/12/2016 04:00

A parent should certainly not be more important than a spouse.

SelfCleaningVagina · 20/12/2016 04:38

her taste is shit

Everyone else's taste is always shit if it's very different from our own. Wink

CrazyCavalierLady · 20/12/2016 05:15

People discuss kettles? Confused

SabineUndine · 20/12/2016 06:02

The point is it's not the MIL's house to take decisions about. Your husband is married to YOU, not her. Is that the root of the problem?

DameDeDoubtance · 20/12/2016 06:40

A marriage is based om respect and he respects his mother more than you. I imagine you are good enough to raise his children, do the housework and have sex with, just not to choose a kettle.

Do you want to be in a relationship where you are not respected? At the very least I would ask him to move back to his mothers for a while, see how you feel when he isn't around.

NiceFalafels · 20/12/2016 06:52

Getting mummy's opinion constantly is very young. Is he young? Have you been married long?

We had this in our 20's and it resulted in their choice of window fitting company and their choice of bathroom fitting company. Both were a disaster and both needed legal action. After that we never asked their opinion again. We trust in our own ability to make correct choices.

Of course colours, kettles, room use are non of your mil's business. I think you need a standard phrase to repeat to her every time she tries it on. So maybe 'I'm not discussing this with you. It's not your decision' then repeat as often as needed

Billben · 20/12/2016 07:27

A parent should always be more important than a spouse - What a load of rubbish.

YANBU. The last two months I've bought a new microwave, a kettle, a huge rug and curtains for the door. I also bought ALL the Christmas presents for the whole family and all the food. All this without consulting my DH about any of these items. He knew I was buying them because they were needed but apart from telling me what cheese he wants, he had absolutely no interest in going through the process of actually choosing them.
Your DH needs to cut the apron strings and grow up. Your MIL needs to be told to stay out of things otherwise you can look forward to this for the rest of your marriage. I certainly wouldn't put up with it.

lovelearning · 20/12/2016 07:41

Everyone else's taste is always shit if it's very different from our own. LOL

Original poster
theclick · 20/12/2016 08:07

No it's not her house and both me and my husband have put significant savings into it.

Sometimes she overhears conversations, walks into the room then makes the decision about her. ALWAYS, it will be her saying "oh I like this and why don't you and blah blah" and the two of them end up ganging up on me.

I've woken up and I still feel as angry, I just want to leave him as I'm so infuriated.

OP posts:
Original poster
theclick · 20/12/2016 08:14

*It wouldn't be so bad if he asked her before he and OP had discussed, but it sounds like what is happening is more like:
OP: "What do you think of this kettle for the new kitchen, I quite fancy a nice glass one?"
DH: "Yeah, looks fine"

Few days later
DH: "I was talking to mum and she says glass kettles are awful and we should get a nice white plastic one"

That would get right on my tits*

That's EXACTLY what is happening and it happens on a bi-weekly basis nowadays.

OP posts:
Frusso · 20/12/2016 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatsername17 · 20/12/2016 08:27

Tell him that when she pays half of the mortgage then she gets a say. Don't argue and don't engage. Just make the decision together and when he asks her or she sticks her oar in and starts trying to change things then say 'we've already decided that, thanks' and walk away. My pil can be a lot like this and it's taken me a while to figure out a system deal with them. My dh isn't as bad as yours but so desperately wants to please them he feels pressured. It's caused many an argument in the past. In our last house we decided to give the kitchen a face-lift to help sell it. We replaced cupboard doors, laid a new floor and painted. Fil usually insists on helping with diy jobs but becuse we weren't going to redo the kitchen 'properly' he kicked off. After me refusing to budge when he kept telling us what we should do, he ended up saying 'well don't expect me to help'. I smiled sweetly and said 'that's okay, we didn't expect you to'. We then got a few weeks of 'it's wasted money and won't make any difference' to which I replied 'I absolutely love it though, so at least it will be nice to live in whilst we wait to sell'. We put the house on the market and it sold in 4 days. It gave dh the confidence to believe in our plans a little more. His dad had him believe he couldn't do things by himself. Now if fil doesn't like the sound of our plans we just plough ahead anyway with no arguments. We are decorating our baby's room at the minute and mentioned that we were lining the walls and ceiling as there was paper on them before and they aren't great. Fil starts going on about how what we should do is sugar soap instead blah blah blah.....and dh just says no, we are lining the walls and ceiling because it will look better. No argument, just a firm insistence that is what we are doing. Fil has decided he wants to help and do it 'our way'. A few years ago dh would have caved and told me we had to sugar soap and we'd have argued. It's taken a while of just being stubborn but it has worked. Good luck!

Guavaf1sh · 20/12/2016 08:27

I imagine he was a bit stuck in the middle and having always been overly reliant on his mother you've now firmly lost that battle by 'putting' him in the spare room. His mother didn't treat him like an adult and neither do you. Perhaps if you had discussed things properly you could have helped him break free from her influence but you've blown it now.

It will be 'theclick is so unreasonable mother I can't tell her these things any more about kettles'
'That woman is not good enough for you'
'She made me sleep in the spare room and is so awfully nasty to me'
'There there my child'

I don't really think there is a good way out of this sorry. You can only change the things you have control over and I guess if you're prepared to treat your husband like an adult explain in adult terms the problem and tell him it's make or break but you're willing to help and work as a team rather than being a different sort of mummy then it might work. If you treat him like the child you are treating him like for much longer he will always prefer the mother who is kindest - his actual mother

Original poster
theclick · 20/12/2016 08:29

No not pregnant but AF. I wanted to start trying to get pregnant early next year but am rethinking that now, I have already said my kids will be my kids to bring up and I don't want someone telling me where to send them to school and the like (as is done with my nephews, but those are my SILs kids and my SIL pushes back)

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 20/12/2016 08:30

BTW, when we bought our first house, my pil booked a viewing after wed had our offer accepted to see if they approved. I do get what you are going through. You have to be strong. No dh, we have already decided on a glass kettle. Then go and buy it.

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2016 08:35

I have to be honest, that example convo about the kettle would also annoy me. A lot. I'd be totally bemused about why he was asking his mum about what kind of kettle you should get and her views would be less than relevant to me. Something is very wrong in his relationship with his mother, he's too reliant on her opinion and needs her validation too much, it seems very unhealthy to me and far from normal.

MrsWooster · 20/12/2016 08:40

Yanbu BUT... reread your posts; there's an awful lot of I decided, I want to. It may be because you are talking from your perspective but be careful you aren't perpetuating a pattern for your husband: told what to think and do by mum, told what do by wife etc. In 25 years there is going to be an identical AIBU from your daughter in law if you're not careful.
If you loved him enough to marry him, help him break free of his mum and be autonomous- and that might mean making his own decisions not yours....

BToperator · 20/12/2016 08:43

He sounds like a complete wet blanket. Does he actually have any opinions of his own, or does he just think what he is told to by you, and then his Mum? It does sound tough to live with. If you add DC in I can imagine it would very quickly become unbearable.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 20/12/2016 08:51

It's annoyed me to the extent I've put him in the spare room.

Maybe his other mum isn't as strict.

lovelearning · 20/12/2016 11:10

Maybe his other mum isn't as strict. hahahahaha!!!!!

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