Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told me he rates his mother's opinions more than mine

101 replies

theclick · 19/12/2016 22:21

During an argument. It was mostly over the fact that she keeps meddling in things eg our new house, basic decisions that should be all mine but she keeps sidling up to him and whispering in his ear, ltelling him what her preferences are (carpets, kettles, etc etc) when I've already told her what I've chosen.

We argued a lot as I have a general issue with how she always does this (and how he actively seeks her opinion).

Him saying this is a big deal for me and I don't think I can see a way back from it. It's annoyed me to the extent I've put him in the spare room.

What would you do?

OP posts:
happymumof4crazykids · 19/12/2016 22:44

They are her decisions and definitely not her mils! OH should stop asking his mother what she thinks of his wife's choices!

CaptainBraandPants · 19/12/2016 22:46

A parent should always be more important than a spouse

Nope, completely wrong.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 19/12/2016 22:51

You have an interesting way of talking @theclick. It's like someone took a stereotype of a "woman" and then tried to make a post out of it.

How on earth did you come to marry this man?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 19/12/2016 22:52

I don't mean a flattering stereotype either. It's also not something I recognise in the women I know.

AddToBasket · 19/12/2016 22:52

I think you've partly set up this dynamic by imagining that these decisions are all yours (because you are the woman?) and not hers.

Presumably, your DH thinks that these are woman's decisions too - so is checking with his own reference point: his mum.

I agree with pp that if he asks her opinion, don't be surprised if she gives it. This isn't her fault.

Lorelei76 · 19/12/2016 22:52

I'm amazed anyone feels the need to source opinions on kettles

But seriously the people living in the house choose what goes in the house surely?

Original poster
theclick · 19/12/2016 22:53

I shouldn't have said "all mine", that was a turn of phrase. I meant just - stuff that I should have more of a say on that he could then also weigh on, but he seems to just decide things with me then also ask her. It fucks me off, we've had this argument at least three times.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 19/12/2016 22:53

It sounds like the op's husband was dominated by his mother and now is dominated by his wife.

The op's husband should be more assertive with his mother, but he and the op need to examine their own relationship. He can't be expected to stand to his mother when he's being controlled by his wife

Original poster
theclick · 19/12/2016 22:55

But seriously the people living in the house choose what goes in the house surely?

You'd think but I've actually had to fight my corner on things like this plus decisions like using a room as a dining room instead of what it is actually meant for in the plan - I decided I wanted to make it into a cosy family room, somehow Hmmshe got told of the floor plan and then I had her lobbying me saying it shouldn't be like that.

OP posts:
PuppetInParadize · 19/12/2016 22:56

Everyone is 'hormonal' even your H and MIL. We've all got them, hormones. What's not acceptable is your H telling you he values your opinion less than his mother's. If he really means this you have a problem. Even if he said it but doesn't mean it you still have a problem IMO.

Domestic decisions should b made between the two adults in the household. i take it MIL isn't actually living with you. You need to decide if you can come back from this, OP.

BobbyNoggle · 19/12/2016 23:06

Why are your house/household decisions any of your MIL's business?
Is she living with you and paying for all of the above? Is that why your DH seeks out her opinion?

TattyCat · 19/12/2016 23:07

Of course your MIL's choice shouldn't over-rule yours and if your DH thinks it should then he needs to cut the apron strings, pronto. Nothing wrong with canvassing opinions, but ultimately, it should be a joint choice between the two of you. But it's difficult if your DH's choice is really your MIL's... Hmm

TattyCat · 19/12/2016 23:07

Too many 'choices' in there, but you get my meaning!

Bestthingever · 19/12/2016 23:13

God you poor thing. You could have been me about 20 years ago. I wish I'd walked (apart from my dcs)

Snoozer11 · 19/12/2016 23:15

Your poor husband.

FranticalFidget · 19/12/2016 23:18

A parent should always be more important than a spouse

If I can get through life having never put my child in a position where they feel they have to 'choose a side' then I'll consider that a win.

No matter what the future husband/wife is like.

Patriciathestripper1 · 19/12/2016 23:18

He does value his mums opinion, after all she has brought him up and influenced his formative years. Are you happy with him apart from the mum thing?
Why don't you take mum out on a shopping trip with you. Tell her you value her opinion and help and let her help choose some items with you.
It's not worth fighting her as one day she will be a grandma to your kids.
She is probably excited for you both and wants to be part of it.
My mil started out a bit like this but now we meet for lunch regularly and have a really good relationship.

GabsAlot · 19/12/2016 23:20

er what

why does he have to ask her about what kettle she prefers

wa he a mummys boy when u first met

gleam · 19/12/2016 23:20

Poor husband, my arse.

Pallisers · 19/12/2016 23:22

I could not live with a man who valued anyone else's opinion over mine consistently - especially one who valued his mum's opinion over mine all the time.

A parent should always be more important than a spouse.

this is just boggling! Seriously? Even the bible says that a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his spouse. If we all cleaved to our parents where the fuck would the human race be?

If my dh asked his father or mother's opinion - or anyone else's for that matter - on a specific issue and said to me "look I know you don't agree but mum really has experience on this so I am going to do what she recommends this once, because I honestly feel it is right" I wouldn't be bothered.

A man who consistently thinks his mother's opinion on work issues/what colour to paint the hall/how baby should be fed/how to deal with brothers and sisters is way better than yours ... not going to work out unless you become the silent downtrodden wife.

You have a problem here OP. I wouldn't ignore it if I were you.

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2016 23:25

In what world does one adult 'put' another adult in a spare room?

He does sound like a big child, but you also sound like the mother of this child!

Was he just as happy to be put in this room by you, as he was to take his mother's opinions on everything?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 19/12/2016 23:26

YANBU. Some posters just like to nitpick. I pick all the stuff like kettles etc, DH couldn't give a flying fuck, let alone ask his mother's opinion on the subject. It's obvious you don't mean that all decisions should be yours.

Tell your DH that if his mother's opinion of your home is more important then she can advise him on how to deal with divorce. I couldn't be with someone like that.

StatisticallyChallenged · 19/12/2016 23:29

I'm not sure I could live with a man who sought his mummy's opinion over a fucking kettle. It is not something you need to canvas opinions on, full stop. I could maybe see it, conceivably, with a large appliance if your parent worked in appliance repairs or something. But it sounds like he is oversharing with his mum, asking her opinion on things she shouldn't have an opinion on.

It wouldn't be so bad if he asked her before he and OP had discussed, but it sounds like what is happening is more like:
OP: "What do you think of this kettle for the new kitchen, I quite fancy a nice glass one?"
DH: "Yeah, looks fine"

Few days later
DH: "I was talking to mum and she says glass kettles are awful and we should get a nice white plastic one"

That would get right on my tits

TheProblemOfSusan · 19/12/2016 23:30

... I think he is BU. It's not that he's asking his mother's opinion, hell I ask my MIL's opinion for stuff all the time. It's more that it's your joint place, you sound like you're setting up a nice new house together, and he's not doing it with you but rather you're having an opinion, and he's asking his mum what his opinion is.

I don't see anything wrong with asking for advice as a couple off an experienced householder, it's more that it sounds like you want to do it together and he's just devolving to his mum then complaining at you.

Of course, if you are trying to do it all yourself and not letting him have a say then YABU.

PuppetInParadize · 19/12/2016 23:30

Just re-read the OP. It sounds like MIL, with her 'sidling' and whispering in H's ear, is trying to influence him against you, OP, and he's too naive or dim (or something) to see she is being manipulative. You need to work out how to deal with this. You can't go on like this through the rest of your marriage.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.