Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I was late home, AIBU?

83 replies

OnionKnight · 19/12/2016 17:36

I'll preface this by saying that I have a physical disability which means that I cannot text whilst standing up.

This evening I finished work at 15:00 with the intention of getting the quarter past bus, my wife was at home as she'd done a half day. The bus station was very busy and there were no seats available so I stood around waiting. The bus didn't turn up until after 15:35 and it was rammed, luckily I got a seat but there were people in the gangway leaning on me, my bag was on my lap and so and I couldn't get my phone out of my pocket to text my wife to let her know that I'd be late home.

I get home at 16:30 and she goes ballistic, saying that she thought I'd been hurt and that I was laying in the road, she admits she panicked

Was I being U by not texting her (not that I physically could) or does she need to chill out and remember that I'm an adult and that if she can get shite bus service, so can I?

OP posts:

Arfarfanarf · 19/12/2016 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scooby20 · 19/12/2016 18:54

She is abusive. I don't care wether she has anxiety/mental health problems etc. If you think she does and she actually wants help with these issues and you choose to support her through treatment, that's fine.

Having anxiety etc is no excuse for abusing your partner. She hasn't even apologised.

Original poster

OnionKnight · 19/12/2016 18:55

This afternoons incident has opened my eyes about her behaviour.

OP posts:

1horatio · 19/12/2016 18:58

That sounds quite awful.

Is therapy an option? Couple's therapy, I mean?

Fuck, this is bad. Well, idk. But it certainly doesn't sound good. I mean, if these things you describe have happened in the last 5 years (which would make it an usnual but still worrying occurrence) it's different than all of them happening in half a year, right?

Do you feel safe? Do you get something positive from the relationship?

If not. Well, I'm not going to tell you what to do. But if a relationship isn't a positive thing and makes you feel unsafe...

jeaux90 · 19/12/2016 19:01

Gabsalot. You mentions anxiety can be crippling how do you mean? And is it associated with the aggression that the OP mentioned?

OP sorry but if a partner spoke to me like that I would have u turned straight back out that door. She is totally unreasonable

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/12/2016 19:02

it's different than all of them happening in half a year, right?

There isn't a sliding timescale when abuse is 'ok'

KnittedBlanketHoles · 19/12/2016 19:03

Worry is understandable but shouting at you is unacceptable. How do you think she would react if you asked her for an apology?

scoobydooagain · 19/12/2016 19:03

She does sound abusive rather than anxious and if you have to ask AIBU about not texting because you were 20 minutes late suggests you have lost faith in your own thoughts about what is right, which certainly happened to me when I was married to an abusive arse.

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/12/2016 19:14

I think when you actually write things down OP it puts things into perspective.

You are in an abussive relationship. This will only get worse. I'd imagine it has got worse as time has passed.

I don't think she sees her own behaviour as being abussive? I think it's become your norm.

Do you constantly walk on egg shells, frightened to speak your mind in fear of a blow up on her part?

1horatio · 19/12/2016 19:14

piglet

No, of course not.

But a person with anxiety issues having a melt down once a year isn't the same as a continued barrage of being screamed at/blocked from leaving a room etc and being made unhappy and unsafe in one's own home.

And if the meltdown is something unusual and the relationship is generally something the OP perceives as positive... if that's the case I personally would certainly suggest therapy. (Couple's therapy and something to help with the anxiety)

1horatio · 19/12/2016 19:16

But yes, if the OP is afraid in this own home because of his wife for example then that is abuse and not the same as an anxious person sometimes having a meltdown.

gobbynorthernbird · 19/12/2016 19:16

Do not have couples therapy with your wife as suggested above. It isn't recommended in abusive relationships.

1horatio · 19/12/2016 19:18

gobby

If the relationship is abusive (which is really not unlikely) I would not recommend couple's therapy. I'd recommend leaving the wife and maybe getting therapy for yourself.

PollytheDolly · 19/12/2016 19:23

Ok. I have autism so have big issues regarding time and schedules. My DH2b is an HGV driver and I worry. I'm an anxious sort anyway. We text throughout the day (when we can) but when he goes silent I do worry but I understand he drives and is busy (he texts on breaks etc). BUT when he gets home a bit late I'm just bloody relieved and he gets an extra big cuddle. He completely gets my autism and tries really hard to adapt to my time thing, but bloody hell the man has a job to do and works damn hard so no, I would never, ever behave like that.

PollytheDolly · 19/12/2016 19:26

Another thing OP, the abuse thing.

Please don't put up with that. Good advice on here x

Cherrysoup · 19/12/2016 19:26

I think you need to have a conversation with her. Are you 'allowed' to go out if it's not work related? I could understand if you had had an accident and she was made anxious in case something else happened, my dh was unhappy for months if I was late and didn't text after a very serious accident.

She sounds controlling and abusive.

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/12/2016 19:27

You don't have to wait for an emergency situation to get help. You can:
talk to your doctor
call Men's Advice Line free on 0808 801 0327 (Monday-Friday 9am-5pm), or get in touch via web-chat (same hours as the helpline) or email [email protected]

Ohdearducks · 19/12/2016 19:28

You sound like you're in an abusive relationship OP. You don't have to put up with this behaviour, do you want to end it?

MaQueen · 19/12/2016 19:41

Screaming at you for being 20 minutes late, because of using public transport at the start of rush hour, only a few days from Xmas....sorry, but there is no excuse for this. None.

Frankly, I don't think I would even notice if my DH was just 20 mins late. I do know that if I screamed at him for it, he would turn on his heel and walk straight out again. And quite right too.

OP in my late teens, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man 10 years older. He would behave just like your wife.

If we weren't seeing each other that night I had to ring him at 8pm, on the dot. If I rang him at 8.03pm he would shout down the phone at me.

When we were out, if I took too long going to the loo in a pub/club, he would get angry because he assumed I had been talking to men en route.

If one of his friends spoke to me, he would sulk and cause an argument on the way home. He wouldn't stop until I was crying.

Thankfully, after 3 years of misery I finally saw the light, and escaped him. Frankly, I don't care if he had anxiety, or other ishoos...he had no right to make me feel so miserable so much of the time.

A life spent walking on egg shells, is a life only half lived.

Owllady · 19/12/2016 19:48

I would ring the helpline someone posted above given what you have posted
I don't want to sound bloody patronising either :( but given your disability can make you more vulnerable to domestic abuse, I'd get advice now
I hope you are ok x

lougle · 19/12/2016 19:50

Taking a step back from the 'abusive relationship angle' (how did we get from one over reaction and a confession that she is 'shouty' to 'this is an abusive relationship?), this may have uncovered your partner's fear for you - you've lived with your disability your whole life, presumably, but for her it is something that makes you more vulnerable, so perhaps you should chat it over.

I also agree with the poster who said about expectations re. timekeeping. My father is s so particular about timekeeping that now I laugh at him because if I say he has to be somewhere 30 minutes away by 3pm, he'll say 'righto...we'll set off at 1 pm then'. Or if we're invited to dinner 'at 2pm', we'd be considered very late if we arrived at 2pm. No amount of explaining that he should invite us for the time he would like us to arrive works. So I just subtract 45 minutes from the time they tell us.

As a result, if someone says to me that they'll arrive at X time, that's when I expect them. It's taken me years to realise that most people have a much looser relationship with time than I grew up with. If work starts at 7.15 am, I'm there by 6.50 and feel late if I arrive at 7.00.

Perhaps you need to give a looser ETA 'I'm hoping to catch the 15.15 but if it's late I won't be home until 16.45, so don't worry.'

Relationships are about supporting each other in their weaknesses as well as enjoying their strengths. You might have found a weakness in your partner but that doesn't mean you're relationship has to end.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/12/2016 19:54

how did we get from one over reaction and a confession that she is 'shouty' to 'this is an abusive relationship

Things the OP has said is more than 'shouty' which isn't ok either

Original poster

OnionKnight · 19/12/2016 19:55

I'm not ignoring anybody.

TBH near enough every day she's having a go at me or moaning about someone or something, it's beginning to wear me down I think.

Every time we go out to town or somewhere she has a cats bum face and huffs and puffs, I see my friends once a week mostly but apart from her work colleagues she doesn't seem to have any friends, close ones anyway.

I would describe her mood as mainly miserable and negative with occasional happy, almost hyper moments.

OP posts:

haveacupoftea · 19/12/2016 19:56

lougle rtft. The OP has since updated to say that she regularly shouts and screams at him, insults him, controls him and has scratched his face during an argument.

He needs to leave.

Sybys · 19/12/2016 19:57

lougle - I think that being verbally aggressive and physically intimidating towards your partner (getting in their face and blocking them in places) qualifies as being abusive.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread