Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was late home, AIBU?

83 replies

OnionKnight · 19/12/2016 17:36

I'll preface this by saying that I have a physical disability which means that I cannot text whilst standing up.

This evening I finished work at 15:00 with the intention of getting the quarter past bus, my wife was at home as she'd done a half day. The bus station was very busy and there were no seats available so I stood around waiting. The bus didn't turn up until after 15:35 and it was rammed, luckily I got a seat but there were people in the gangway leaning on me, my bag was on my lap and so and I couldn't get my phone out of my pocket to text my wife to let her know that I'd be late home.

I get home at 16:30 and she goes ballistic, saying that she thought I'd been hurt and that I was laying in the road, she admits she panicked Hmm

Was I being U by not texting her (not that I physically could) or does she need to chill out and remember that I'm an adult and that if she can get shite bus service, so can I?

OP posts:
1horatio · 19/12/2016 17:59

So, you were about 30 minutes late?

She seems to be the one being unreasonable. I don't even text when I'm 20 minutes late from work. That happens pretty much every day anyway... 20 minutes 'late' is actually what I'd classify as punctual. But these are clearly my own issues.

Anyhow, could she benefit from talking to a professional? I did that a few times during the pregnancy (in my case just to sort a few things out. Things that were incidentally suggested on mumsnet 😂),but I felt like it was very calming.

1horatio · 19/12/2016 18:00

However, do you have a disability that does put you at a significantly increased risk? So, could that be a reason for her reaction?

Original poster
OnionKnight · 19/12/2016 18:02

I've just spoken to her, she was worried that someone had hurt me apparently, in broad daylight at a very busy bus station.

Still doesn't justify going ballistic as soon as I walk through the door IMHO.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnionKnight · 19/12/2016 18:04

Well I'm hearing impaired with mild Cerebral Palsy which isn't obvious at first glance, maybe I am at a bigger risk, I wouldn't know.

OP posts:
MeadowHay · 19/12/2016 18:06

YANBU, your partner is being very unreasonable and sounds mentally ill and should see her GP for support, going by your descriptions of her behaviour Confused.

BathshebaSnowflakeStone · 19/12/2016 18:07

OP your wife needs to chill.

MarjorieSimpson · 19/12/2016 18:27

By how long were you late? 10 mins, half an hour, two hours?

I would expect my partner to let me know. Because yes something could have happened, esp if you have a disability, which means you are more likekt to struggle, get hurt etc...
However, I would only start to worry if my partner was half an hour late, not go into full anxiety mode (esp with buses as I suspect she knows you don't have one every two mins). Plus the fact she knows it would be harder for you to text would make me think 'oh ok. Issue with the bus and can't text right now'.

I think you need to talk and have some agreement as to when you will let her know you might be late etc...
I also don't think that texting/ringing when you are late has nothing to do with time as in being late at night. It's just common courtesy for the other person waiting for you (who might want to do something, worry something has happened etc etc) plain and simple for me.

Original poster
OnionKnight · 19/12/2016 18:30

I was about 20 - 30 minutes late.

OP posts:
MarjorieSimpson · 19/12/2016 18:31

The going ballistic is more worrying IMO.

It makes me wonder how much she sees you as being more 'at risks' (with or wo good reasons, I don't know)
It could be that she has anxiety issues too.
It could be that she has been brought thinking that you always arrive on time very early or you contact the person if you are 5mins late. My parents did that and yes it still has an impact on me now. I hate being late no would always ring to let people know if I am 5 mins late.
It might also be that past experience has taught her that things can happen to you more easily and if you arelate, it's normally a bad sign. E.g. If you are never late or the only time you have being late, you were injured.

As for the busy bus station, I would have thought that was exactely the sort of place that would have been harder for you to negotiate.

DearMrDilkington · 19/12/2016 18:35

She has massively over reacted here, you were half an hour late home in the middle of the afternoonHmm.

It's not normal behaviour, has she said sorry for screaming at you?

MarjorieSimpson · 19/12/2016 18:35

In effect, saying, as some PP have said, that she is bonkers and totally unreasonable, and approaching her with that in kind is NOT going to help in any way. Actually I think it will make it much harder to sort the issue out.
If she is anxious, she will feel put down.
If she is genuinely worried due to past experience, she won't feel she can talk about her fears.
....

Much better to have a chat and try to understand the reason why she was so upset.

DearMrDilkington · 19/12/2016 18:37

I don't think she's anxious, I think she's verbally abusive. Op has said she has form for acting like this.

Don't put up with it. You don't deserve to be screamed at for something so minor.

Pettywoman · 19/12/2016 18:37

Massive overreaction on her part. 20 minutes late would only have me glancing at the clock thinking 'oh, he's a bit late, maybe there's traffic'. I'd want a text if it was over an hour but wouldn't stress too much about it.

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/12/2016 18:38

That is a BIG over reaction for being 20-30 minutes late. Her reaction was over-the-top. That would worry me OP. I hope you can both have a sit down chat and maybe get to the bottom of why she is acting this way. It could be anxiety, stress or maybe something's worrying her?

What ever the reason, you shouldn't get the backlash of it.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/12/2016 18:38

I don't think she's anxious, I think she's verbally abusive. Op has said she has form for acting like this.

I admit that it crossed my mind too.

Controlling behaviour aswell imo.

Original poster
OnionKnight · 19/12/2016 18:39

I've never been attacked or been involved in any incidents, so it's not like she's worried about anything happening again.

She's not apologised.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 19/12/2016 18:40

she has a right to be worried but not go ballisitic at you

maybe she suffers anxiety it can be crippling and noone understands

TwentyCups · 19/12/2016 18:40

She sounds very controlling. I wouldn't even think to contact my partner if I was going to be twenty minutes later then usual.

Original poster
OnionKnight · 19/12/2016 18:41

I'm not going in to much detail but yes she has a temper, both families are aware and her sister has stepped in before after she overheard her getting aggressive with me on the phone.

OP posts:
FatOldBag · 19/12/2016 18:45

Is there any more to this? Have you or she ever had a bad experience on public transport, or on the way home? Have you recently (or ever) been unfaithful? Have you recently (or ever) had an accident or incident which meant you were late home?

I had a bit of a phobia of public transport, I'm mostly over it now, but when dh had to catch a train anywhere I would be really worried about him being attacked. Could this be the case with her? Maybe she has some problem expressing how she feels and what her fears are, so it all comes out as anger, but actually it's relief from the build-up of worry and adrenaline? With a phobia, you can get into quite a state in 20-30 minutes.

YANBU anyway.

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/12/2016 18:45

How often is she verbally aggressive OP? Has she been physically violent with you?

Scooby20 · 19/12/2016 18:47

She is being unreasonable. And to be honest all this 'oh she must have anxiety don't handle it in xyz way' is bullshit.

If a man screamed at his wife for being 30 minutes late everyone would be saying ltb and that he is an abusive shit.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/12/2016 18:48

I'm not going in to much detail but yes she has a temper, both families are aware and her sister has stepped in before after she overheard her getting aggressive with me on the phone.

Onion her behaviour really isn't ok. You don't have to live like this.

Original poster
OnionKnight · 19/12/2016 18:50

She's never been physically aggressive in the sense that she's not deliberately hurt me, she scratched me once but that was by accident.

She's verbally aggressive often, swearing, getting in my face, refusing to move out from the doorway thus blocking me in.

Fuck, this is bad.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 19/12/2016 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.