DH off for the night leaving me with poorly baby

[Bearberry]

DD is almost 8 months old. She is a crap sleeper and napper and bf to sleep (still wakes every 2-3 hours from 7-7) so it's me who does all the settling for night and naps.

DH works long hours and doesn't see much of DD during the week. On occasion when we've had a particularly bad night he will take her for an hour in the morning before he goes to work so I can get an extra hours sleep. That an my mum taking her for a couple of hours once a weekish is the only break I get. After several arguments over the course of my mat leave we have now compromised on a division of house work we both feel is fair. The vast majority of childcare, at all times, is my responsibility.

DH is off on Tuesday and Wednesday's and has planned a night out staying over at a holiday let locally having some drinks and a catch up with his friends. He doesn't do this often, maybe 4-5 times since DD was born and one of those times was his birthday. I'm fine with this.

However since this was booked DD and I have both come down with stinking colds and have barely slept the last two nights. He hasn't done anything additional to help but has been at work. I was looking forward to him helping out Tuesday before he went away, giving me a chance to rest and maybe have a lie in etc...

He has now turned around as said he wants to go at midday Tuesday instead of 5pm. I feel upset and angry that he hasn't thought of me and that I would need a break. I haven't and wouldn't expect him to cancel the evening and night away but would expect him to help in the day before he went.

We're just about to exchange on a very difficult house purchase. I've spent a long week chasing solicitor and vendor and pulling my hair out over the infuriating chain we're in. We've both been packing in spare time and feeling very stressed. I've not had any solid sleep in 8 months and I honestly don't know if I'm being a bitch in feeling upset about this. He has said all he wants is one afternoon & night away and that I'm massively over reacting. He has time off over Xmas and Jan (for house move) but it's now that we're ill!!

He's being a complete and utter twat. He needs to step up, spend some solo time with his daughter and learn to settle her. I have a 7 mo EBF DS (DS2) who feeds to sleep. DH can settle him just fine if he's not actually hungry. But he had to work at it and find a way to comfort him. Same with DS1. You can't do it for him. Even if you broke feeding to sleep, that doesn't give him the ability to settle necessarily- she needs to feel safe and secure. She won't until he does some solo childcare.

Re the sciatica. I'm sympathetic (I have spinal issues myself- though mums don't get to opt out on that basis...) Does it really mean he can't use a pushchair? If so- how the hell is he going to cope when you go back to work and he has her on his own?

am a bit stumped by those saying 4/5 nights out in 8 months is a lot. My DH does that every month!

Do you get the same?

Mine is away with work 2-3 nights a week so I wouldn't be impressed if he went out socialising 2 nights a week on top of that!

Goofy that's fair enough!

No, I haven't had the same since ds was born 11 months ago but that's because he feeds to sleep so I can't really go out in the evening. I've done lots of socialising with the baby - visiting friends, cinema, dinner out etc - while I was on mat leave so don't feel I've missed much.

Before we had ds we would each go out probably once a week. We used to both have shift based jobs too so with 2 late shifts a week and maybe 1 social occasion that felt like an okay balance.

DH probably has cut down since ds was born in fairness but definitely still goes out at least 2/3 times a month most months. That's why I was quite shocked that others might think that a lot!

Also most of our social stuff at weekends is done together unless it's late night stuff so we don't have that 'you get a night out then I also get a night out' mentality. Plus I don't have many friends

Agree that bfing to sleep is not your problem (have a 1 yr old bottle refuser). Dh can settle our daughter to sleep but he has had to work at it & put in the time to work out how - just like you've had to put in the work to figure out how to comfort, etc. childcare providers can settle babies whose mothers bf to sleep - babies settle differently for different people but it is all built on relationships. You literally cannot do this for him. As for him asking you what needs to be done - tell him to google emotional labour. It's exhausting to do all the thinking for someone else & explain it & often feels easier to do it yourself. That's exactly the game plan - deliberate incompetence - of selfish men.

Well I've said very little too him and am maintaining a distance. He has said he is going tomorrow at 4 now so that's an improvement. I said to him I wanted him to take DD first thing in the morning so I could sleep which he happily agreed to, and said he planned to do that anyway

Really interesting about the settling regardless of bf to sleep... Think we need to get on that in the new year. Once we move house we need to get some new routines in to action. We've previously said he needs to start taking DD on one of his days off for gradually increasing time periods in the new year, so they both get into the swing of things for when I'm back to work.

As maddening as the situation is I think it will improve when I get back to work as when we are both working full time there isn't the maternity leave guise to hide behind. We never had these issues prior to DD and mat leave at the very least! He was always very keen to have children and is a hands on type person, if that makes sense. I really wouldn't have expected to have these issues. When he is with DD he is very good but he lacks initiative and has always handed her back for a 'feed' whenever she has been grumpy/tired/pissed off. Therefore he seems to have got into this routine of short burst of fun and playing and no substance. That and I genuinely believe he has no concept of how hard it is being with a baby all day and/or night feeds because he's never had too.

Four or five nights out in eight months is not a lot.

However in balance, if the other partner is getting zero nights out - then it IS A LOT.

However it is up to the OP to facilitate her own nights out, not wait for him to invite her - organise a night out with friends and GO...on a regular basis

Bearberry it does sound like it might even out a bit when you're working again. I've said it on here a few times but I think maternity leave is a very surreal thing to go through for both partners. When you're the primary carer and are literally off work for that reason, plus being 'paid' for it (albeit SMP) I think it can sadly be too easy for the working partner to feel like you're the one 'doing' childcare for that period of time so consciously or not they take a bit of a step back from it. Perhaps he feels like you're in charge and control so he doesn't need to be? I'm not saying that's right but I've noticed a massive shift in my DH's attitudes since I went back to work and he was already very much a hands on dad - it's just he lacked confidence before as he perceived me to be the one who knew best at all times which then translated to me doing all the childcare!

Glad to hear he's at least compromised on tomorrow's departure and that you'll get a bit of a nap in the morning. I might suggest to my DH that he does this once in a while as I'd kill for some sleep!!!

lilyb definitely get your DH on the case of mornings too, sounds like you're certainly due some lie ins too!

I hope he actually gets up tomorrow without waiting for you to be woken and have to wake him, thus not getting to sleep in.

TheSkyAtNight

Thank you for the information on 'emotional labor' I didn't have a term for this and now I do. On top of looking after a baby and working this sort of thing is exhausting and I still do a lot of it.

No problem. Also, re the handing over as soon as there is crankiness there is a kind of checklist he needs to do isn't there? Eg, cuddle, check nappy, offer water, solid food, take for a walk etc BEFORE heading back for milk. Work & weaning will help as he sounds willing. So glad he is going to help a little more. Been through this only a couple of months ago so feel your pain. My daughter has started sleeping for 8 hr stretches since her 1st birthday a couple of weeks ago with no changes to bfing or 'training' of any kind & we were on 2-3hr wakings at 8 mo like you are. Hope things improve for you soon!

YANBU