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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH off for the night leaving me with poorly baby

88 replies

Bearberry · 19/12/2016 15:08

DD is almost 8 months old. She is a crap sleeper and napper and bf to sleep (still wakes every 2-3 hours from 7-7) so it's me who does all the settling for night and naps.

DH works long hours and doesn't see much of DD during the week. On occasion when we've had a particularly bad night he will take her for an hour in the morning before he goes to work so I can get an extra hours sleep. That an my mum taking her for a couple of hours once a weekish is the only break I get. After several arguments over the course of my mat leave we have now compromised on a division of house work we both feel is fair. The vast majority of childcare, at all times, is my responsibility.

DH is off on Tuesday and Wednesday's and has planned a night out staying over at a holiday let locally having some drinks and a catch up with his friends. He doesn't do this often, maybe 4-5 times since DD was born and one of those times was his birthday. I'm fine with this.

However since this was booked DD and I have both come down with stinking colds and have barely slept the last two nights. He hasn't done anything additional to help but has been at work. I was looking forward to him helping out Tuesday before he went away, giving me a chance to rest and maybe have a lie in etc...

He has now turned around as said he wants to go at midday Tuesday instead of 5pm. I feel upset and angry that he hasn't thought of me and that I would need a break. I haven't and wouldn't expect him to cancel the evening and night away but would expect him to help in the day before he went.

We're just about to exchange on a very difficult house purchase. I've spent a long week chasing solicitor and vendor and pulling my hair out over the infuriating chain we're in. We've both been packing in spare time and feeling very stressed. I've not had any solid sleep in 8 months and I honestly don't know if I'm being a bitch in feeling upset about this. He has said all he wants is one afternoon & night away and that I'm massively over reacting. He has time off over Xmas and Jan (for house move) but it's now that we're ill!!

OP posts:

YelloDraw · 19/12/2016 15:35

He has had DD alone 3 times once for an hour, and two 2 hourish slots.

This has to change.

JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub · 19/12/2016 15:36

YANBU. He is now going out 5 hours earlier than he said he would. It's hard enough looking after a baby with a cold when you have a cold too and are sleep deprived. He needs to start doing more. Also I BF my DS to sleep, worst mistake ever although I understand why you are doing it, you are making a rod for your own back. Make sure you get out on your own as well and leave the baby with him so he appreciates what you do. Also moving house was one of the most stress things I've ever done. Hope you get some sleep

YokoUhOh · 19/12/2016 15:37

OP ignore the 'don't feed to sleep' brigade. I fed DS to sleep until he was2.8 years but he could go off to sleep without me at the childminders/with DH.

You do need to get your DH to help out more. Mine was like this, too; at some point it 'clicked' and he puts DS1 to bed most nights now while I feed DS2 to sleep.

I still don't get any 'me' time, though. I guess that's just having young children and not much of a support network.

NapQueen · 19/12/2016 15:38

Can he just wake you at 11.30am before he leaves?

Overall it's not good the little amount he has the child and that needs to change. But this one instance alone seems fine imo.

TheSparrowhawk · 19/12/2016 15:38

Your DH is royally taking the piss. You haven't had a night's sleep for 8 fucking months and he's complaining about having to stay around for a few extra hours before he goes on a night away!!

My DH used to be a bit like this (though not nearly as bad tbh) and in the end I just said I wanted a divorce because what was the fucking point in having him around? It made me so angry to be on my knees with exhaustion while he complained about having to look after my non-sleeping DD for a fucking hour!

You need to nip this in the bud.

Original poster

Bearberry · 19/12/2016 15:41

The working hard thing I keep harping on about is basically just that she is out for work most of DD waking hours so I get that it falls to me during the week. He doesn't seem to get that I don't get a break ever. I think if I'm honest (although he would deny this) he sees me being on mat leave as easier then him being at work and therefore he is entitled to a break more. As for me seeing my friends he thinks I get to see them with DD and doesn't understand how it's a very bloody different experience. I work in MH and have tried to explain how to me mat leave is more draining and difficult then my work but I don't feel he is really taking it in! Hence all the previous disagreements about house work!

He is now arguing that I'm being well over the top as all he did was 'ask' if could go at midday instead and that I could have just said no and not lost my shit about it. He just can't understand that it's the point that he even thought it would be OK. If it was me I would be offering to cancel night out and asking what I could do to help before I want but he just doesn't seem to think like that.

OP posts:

NapQueen · 19/12/2016 15:47

Offering to cancel a pre planned night out because the child and other parent are feeling a bit under the weather is a tad martyr ish though.

YelloDraw · 19/12/2016 15:49

I still don't get any 'me' time, though. I guess that's just having young children and not much of a support network.

N, you don't get any 'me' time because you husband is not stepping up to the plate.

OohNoDooEy · 19/12/2016 15:51

I think you're knackered and oversensitive. Your DH is the best person to get your dd to sleep - When he's off over xmas put him on night duty and night wean. Last feed at 7 and nothing til 7am. He'll learn how to deal with her, she'll learn its time the milk bar closed at night and you'll get some sleep.

Original poster

Bearberry · 19/12/2016 15:53

As for the feeding to sleep thing she will sleep in sling and pushchair but DH has bad sciatica so not really an option for him but my mum gets her to sleep in pushchair and hopefully childminder will be able to as well.

Things are just particular difficult right now with house purchase and now stinking colds and I just want a break and to not have to battle for it I guess.

OP posts:

GoofyTheHero · 19/12/2016 15:53

Offering to cancel a pre planned night out because the child and other parent are feeling a bit under the weather is a tad martyr ish though

DH would offer without being a 'martyr', just to be nice. I'd say no, but he'd offer.

TheSparrowhawk · 19/12/2016 15:54

Offering to help and support your partner, who is ill and stressed and hasn't slept for 8 months, isn't martyrish, it's about the most basic level of decency you could possibly expect.

Chipperton · 19/12/2016 15:58

Just to put it in perspective for you OP. My DH works full time, he is out of the house from 7-7 5 days a week. He also understands that he is a parent and that when he comes home from work he is equally responsible for being a parent.

What has really changed for him since he became a parent? He still goes to work, he still goes out, he still gets a full nights sleep.

You on the other hand have not slept in almost a year, have not had more than a few hours to yourself in almost a year and you do nothing but care for your baby all day every day while he can pick and choose when he feels like being a parent.

I am outraged on your behalf.

Oblomov16 · 19/12/2016 15:59

I don't think the cold has much to do with it. 8 months, a bad sleeper generally, with a dh who doesn't do much, probably it's a surprise it took this long to come to fruition!!

toptoe · 19/12/2016 15:59

A one off night away if all is well. But so many nights away or having his mates sleep over in the back room whilst you struggle with sleep is unusual. As in I've never heard a man do this regularly.

Do his mates have babies?

SeaCabbage · 19/12/2016 16:01

I definitely think he should go out at 5pm and not 12pm too. I don't blame you for getting upset about that.

Is he going to stay until 5pm now? It is so frustrating when they don't understand the draining aspect of looking after a baby. If he thinks it's so easy why can't he have her more at the weekend? with you nearby for feeds only.

TheWrathFromHighAtopTheThing · 19/12/2016 16:05

OP, you need to nail this - or he does - before you go back to work, otherwise you'll find yourself working, doing the night wakings, and 99% of the childcare when you're at home too.

toptoe · 19/12/2016 16:09

He knows it isn't easy. The brick wall is him not giving a shit. Tell him clearly what you need from him. If you need a nap, tell him. If he tells you you don't need what you have clearly asked for then he's selfish.

In a functional relationship one person gets tired, the other tries to give them a rest. They don't go 'how can you be tired after breastfeeding every 2 hours for the past 8 months' because that would be a crazy thing to say.

Inertia · 19/12/2016 16:18

OK, so if he's off work every Tuesday and Wednesday it's time to start leaving the baby with him for longer stretches while you deal with the house move. As long as you are around to breast feed at her regular times, you can be out of the house for a couple of hours , pop back to breast feed, and then go back to what you were doing. Leave all of the meal preparation and clearing up to your H. For added value, be incredulous at how little he's done while you've been busy with the move-related jobs.

Have your tried your baby with a cup? My children wouldn't take bottles, but would drink from a cup.

cheeseoverchocolate · 19/12/2016 16:21

It sounds like he does think he's having it harder than you. How about trying to reverse the roles over a weekend? He does look after your baby, plays with her, puts her to sleep, does the housework you would normally do. You do what he would normally do housework-wise and baby-wise, spend some leisurely time having a bath/reading/watching TV. Obviously he'll still have to bring your daughter to you for feeding but that's all you do. Perhaps it'll sink in then?
FYI several nights out in such a short space of time with a small baby when you can't do the same is not acceptable.
My husband and I are in a similar situation in that our baby is BF and won't take the bottle so I can never get very long (just a few hours) away from her. He's never had a night out since her birth, let alone go away for a weekend or something.

TheWrathFromHighAtopTheThing · 19/12/2016 16:30

I don't understand why you're not getting a lie-in every Tuesday and Wednesday?

That's how we worked it when DH had a day off during the week when the kids were babies and I was up more often during the night.

He's taking the piss out of you, lovely, and he doesn't really care.

mygorgeousmilo · 19/12/2016 16:32

You say you're not up for the battle, but if you continue use breastfeeding to pacify the baby, it will be endless! You need to assert yourself with DH AND your daughter! 4-5 big nights out in the first 8 months of a baby's life is quite a lot really. It's different when they're bigger, or if you were also going out and had those super grandparents that people talk about. It's a problem if he can't look after her for 2.5 hrs, but that's something you need to work on together, because he can't do it if she's only pacified by you breastfeeding her. Obviously I'm not saying don't breastfeed, just do it to feed her, not to get her to sleep.

cheeseoverchocolate · 19/12/2016 16:32

I meant FWIW, not FYI!

Aliveinwanderland · 19/12/2016 16:36

I see nothing wrong with him going out that many times as long as if you wanted to go out he would stay in.

I have an 8 week old and my DH has done 3 overnight socials and goes out once every week 8-11:30pm. He is going on 2 stag do's in the next 4 months that are 3/4 nights away.

I have no issue with him going out. If I wanted to do the same then he would stay in.

JayDot500 · 19/12/2016 16:43

Sorry but I think he's been living the good life while you plod along trying to do the best for your baby. Maybe you should try organising a similar night, but tbh your baby may not enjoy that agreement either

It flips me off when men do this but have you actually told him how selfish you think he's being? It was when I was ill that I really understood the limits mothers can be pushed to. Don't sit there and sulk, tell him! Let him feel guilty for leaving you! YANBU!

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