DH off for the night leaving me with poorly baby

[Bearberry]

DD is almost 8 months old. She is a crap sleeper and napper and bf to sleep (still wakes every 2-3 hours from 7-7) so it's me who does all the settling for night and naps.

DH works long hours and doesn't see much of DD during the week. On occasion when we've had a particularly bad night he will take her for an hour in the morning before he goes to work so I can get an extra hours sleep. That an my mum taking her for a couple of hours once a weekish is the only break I get. After several arguments over the course of my mat leave we have now compromised on a division of house work we both feel is fair. The vast majority of childcare, at all times, is my responsibility.

DH is off on Tuesday and Wednesday's and has planned a night out staying over at a holiday let locally having some drinks and a catch up with his friends. He doesn't do this often, maybe 4-5 times since DD was born and one of those times was his birthday. I'm fine with this.

However since this was booked DD and I have both come down with stinking colds and have barely slept the last two nights. He hasn't done anything additional to help but has been at work. I was looking forward to him helping out Tuesday before he went away, giving me a chance to rest and maybe have a lie in etc...

He has now turned around as said he wants to go at midday Tuesday instead of 5pm. I feel upset and angry that he hasn't thought of me and that I would need a break. I haven't and wouldn't expect him to cancel the evening and night away but would expect him to help in the day before he went.

We're just about to exchange on a very difficult house purchase. I've spent a long week chasing solicitor and vendor and pulling my hair out over the infuriating chain we're in. We've both been packing in spare time and feeling very stressed. I've not had any solid sleep in 8 months and I honestly don't know if I'm being a bitch in feeling upset about this. He has said all he wants is one afternoon & night away and that I'm massively over reacting. He has time off over Xmas and Jan (for house move) but it's now that we're ill!!

I'm surprised you're hurt - I would be. I would also be disappointed that DH is now planning to go even earlier! My 8 month old is also a terrible sleeper and he gets up every other night with him and a few weeks ago when I had a cold and baby came down with a sickness bug he refused to go to his birthday event in another city (booked and paid for) as he said he wouldn't be able to leave us when we were ill and that he believed he would be a shit father to do so anyway. I even cried and begged him to go (knew what it meant to him) but he refused and insisted I went back to bed and cheerily got on with changing DS2's sheets.

I would be wanting to know when you get the free time back, the situation you describe really isn't good enough.

Yeah I lost my shit via whatsapp and now he is twisting it that he only 'asked' and that I could have just said no and that my response is totally disproportionate. It probably is, but because I'm ill and knackered and never get a break and it's the fact that he thought it might be ok and asked in the first place....

One of his friends has a 1 year old but they've separated and another friend has a step daughter but she is 6 so they're not quite in the same boat. The rest are newly married or engaged and I imagine kids will be along soon enough.

The nights out are them all just hanging out having a few beers and some pizza and someone's house. They all share a hobby of building and flying remote controlled planes which they spend the evening working on & discussing and light permitting, flying. So we're not talking about falling out of night clubs or anything.

*not surprised you're hurt!

Aliveinwanderland - that's a lot of going out! You might be ok with your DH doing that now but give it a year and you might find you're a bit fucked off with your DH carrying on as normal while you're still up to your neck in nappies.

Well you getting cross is the moment when the straw broke the camels back. It happens when you're ill, are breastfeeding all night and are unsupported.

It doesn't matter at all what he's doing on the nights out - the point is that he's walking away doing his own thing while you're left to look after the baby yet again.

He absolutely cannot complain about how hard he finds it, then imply that you have the life of reilly. That's total nonsense. Either it's hard for both of you or easy for both of you.

I'm another one who rages on behalf of the countless numbers of women I see posting on here about how their OH's think it's fine to swan off out on a regular basis when there is a very young child involved, and with responsibility for the child's care being pretty much left down to the mother!

My children are 3 and nearly 6 now, so we're through that (horrific) early, extremely shattering period, but even now if one of us wants a night out, the other is entitled to the same. I've been out a few times recently for drinks with gal pals, OH hasn't been out much as he has been knackered from work/had man-flu, but he is of out tomorrow night with friends and has a few things planned for the new year.

I clearly remember when my DS was a baby though, that quite a few of my NCT group would comment on how 'amazing' my OH was because he would help me in the night if I'd had a particularly bad few days/take DS for a few hours so I could catch up on sleep, and actually didn't push to go out for long stretches (certainly not overnight) in those early days when I was on my knees with tiredness and struggling.

A couple of the other mums had husbands that frankly imo took the piss, and were off out constantly/going on cycling weekends and sleeping in a separate bedroom (in weekends) so that they could 'get rest'...WTAF about the person doing most of the fucking work???????

And breathe...you sound very reasonable OP. Having a baby with a cold, as well as feeling crappy yourself, is tough. Throw in sleep deprivation and you feel like you'll never feel human again. You're not stopping him from going out, you're just asking him to stick to the original plan and all this bobbins about 'you could have just said no..you're making a big fuss blah' is rubbish, trying to turn it back onto you.

He shouldn't be asking at the moment and putting you on the spot. YADNBU..He bloody is.

Hope you and baby feel better soon x

My baby is the same age as yours OP, and also a bottle refuser.

The reason your DH struggles to settle your baby is that he has not spent any time with her. This needs to be addressed, partly because it'll become a problem when you go back to work, partly because it's hard work and you need a break, and partly because it will demonstrate to him that you don't have an easy life ;)

I would suggest that you try and redistribute 'free' time between yourselves. FWIW, we do it so that DH and I have one weekend morning and one weekday evening 'off' a week. He plays football with his, I sleep at the weekend and socialise in the week. We don't always cash them in - but they're there and absolutely non-negotiable. We also do one long weekend away annually without the other, but not in the first year post-baby. It doesn't need to be as frequently as that for you but I think you need to settle some ground rules otherwise you'll find that your life has changed unimaginably and it has made no difference to his at all.

And I think he's taking the piss with his frequent overnighters.

I agree that time off should be equal, but because you breastfeed, and your baby won't take a bottle, your options are severely limited. Especially when you have to feed to sleep.

If he didn't go on this weekend, you'd still be having rubbish sleep, you still wouldn't be able to go anywhere for more than a couple of hours. Yes he should 'do more' but that still wouldn't give you any real break.

I don't see the point in both of you missing out - and an occasional break away for him like this I think is fine.

If it was a bottle feed baby, and you were ill, I think he should cancel because he'd be more useful, and you could have a rest.

Misery loves company, and you need him there for support, but he simply can't give you the break that you need, so I think he may as well have fun sometimes.

I hope you both feel better.

Bearberry Mine used to do this and I am still annoyed about it now. Our youngest was about 8 months old and poorly with a raging fever when he swanned off on a jolly leaving me on my own with 3 kids (the others were only aged 4 and 2). I really regret being a martyr about it and wish I had calmly put my foot down at the time. In fact, unbeknownst to me it was my Dad who pointed out (calmly) to him how unreasonable he had been. He never did it again. . My point being - sometimes it is better to have someone else have a quiet word if you feel you are likely to lose your temper. Would that be work?

He is her father and should be doing his share of the childcare not minding or having but just doing as he should be

Laughing at the outrage at only being out 4/5 times in 8 years

I've had about the same in 25 years!

But that's how I like it, I don't do nights out

Even now when my DDs are adult I still don't have nights out

The bloody cheek of him telling you how you should have reacted. I suppose you can try explaining that you are knackered and stressed but you really shouldn't have to.

If I were you I'd feed Dd then go out (to the shops or something) and not come home until 5pm.

Right well I'm reassured that basically, I'm not being unreasonable.

I think the problem is I've lost my temper and he is now going to twist it. He's taking the approach that he just brought it up and we could have had a conversation but I've lost it and am being unfair. Which detracts massively from the actual issue and I've played into this by losing my temper in the first place.

This cycle is basically what happened with the housework situation. I would lose my temper and say you do nothing. He would retaliate with tell me what to do and I'll do it and how unreasonable I'm being. Suddenly the issue becomes about 'poor communication' and it's largely my fault. Then things don't get done and I feel I'm nagging and being ignored or I find the whole thing of having to ask him to do x y and z (and frequently being met with excuses) so infuriating that I end up just doing stuff myself. Then it all builds up until I explode again. Totally unhealthy.

We've now resolved the house work but it feels like childcare is taking its place. I want to resolve this in a better way. The house work thing became quite damaging with me feeling disrespected and him feeling insulted (I was mean when angry on a couple of occasions). I'm really keen not to do this all again.

He's due home soon. I think I'm going to take a new approach and actually just sort of leave it with me being upset and refuse to rise to a disagreement. I always end up losing my temper and losing my point as he stays cool. I will just directly tell him to take DD in the morning so I can go back to sleep and then he has had clear direction and can't say he didn't know what to do or that I wanted him to do something.

As for someone else talking to him, not sure how effective that would be. My parents think it's very poor form but I suspect he would feel they were bias and quite ganged up on if they spoke to him. His parents are much more, erm, traditional and probably wouldn't see the problem....

Some people are competitive martyrs about how little of a life they have outside work and kids.

Maybe you need to have a conversation and explain that you've only lost your shit because it's a straw that breaks the camels back situation.

I'd be insisting on the follow8ng rules:-
Tues and weds morning you will get up and BF the baby when she wakes and then handing her over to dh for the whole morning. You will see them both at noon thank you very much.

Either of you are able to have a night out or "off duty" if the other hasn't put anything on the calendar. Nights out start at 6pm. Even if you don't want a night out with friends OP you could do with some down time and can just go out to the shops or a moviee and be alone! If it's your night you will bf before you go and he can handle or learn how to handle her from there.

I bloody love a night out. Or a day out. Or a coffee, cake and book without children!

I hope it goes well tonight OP.

YANBU. 4-5 times in 8 months is loads, when are your nights out with friends? He can just go later so you can sleep all day and have a rest. Honestly my DH would offer not to go at all if we were all sick.

He's manipulating you. A decent man would know that a woman who had broken sleep for 8 months needs a break more than him. Unless he's a total blithering numpty he knows. He just doesn't care.

Yes mrsterrypratchett, that's my thoughts and why I feel upset and angry.

If you mean me blueskies there are a myriad of reasons why I don't go out

None of which involve martyrdom

If not aimed at me, then I apologise

BlueSkyrain

Sorry

He needs to step up, but you need to get the message across loud and clear without losing it (easier said than done when you're doing all the work, sleep deprived and he's having an extra afternoon out with his friends). Men do not know what it is like to have a baby permanently attached to them.

Thing is, if he is reasonable he may not realise what hard work it is. They think you are on maternity leave (like a nice holiday ffs!!!) and that you're having a jolly old time watching telly, drinking tea and eating cake.

I sent my husband a very (long) reasonable email about everything I was actually doing, how hard it was and exactly how I felt about being undervalued despite my contribution to our family. I was mentally and physically drained.

It worked, because it was non confrontational, just the exact details of how I felt, and he saw a different side to things. Would that be worth a shot? Let him mull it over without getting emotional? It's hard not to blow up when you are so exhausted.

I feel for you, we had two under two and if we'd talked I'd have just turned into an irrational, ranting wreck due to being so worn out. He'd then say I was being unreasonable, which I was because I was being driven bonkers.

My party animal husband is now much improved and came home from his Christmas party at 9pm and relatively sober and was up early as I'd done the night shift. Four years ago he would have been home at 4am, trashed and spent the day in bed.

You can work this out if he's a good bloke who just hasn't realised how hard it really is. If he's a total dick then he'll not listen to you and you know you either put up and shut up (sod that shit) or kick his arse into touch.

Why can't they get together on a Sat/Sun in the day? There is something off that he needs to stay overnight at a friend's house that often. And to top it off, with a young baby. To me it sounds like he is using these sleep overs as an escape. I'd be getting a bit concerned about how strong your relationship is, if they continue. It's also a convient excuse if he ever wanted to start up an affair in the future.

Haven't rtft op but sending sympathy as my ds is very similar, only I can settle him, bf etc etc and wakes loads at night. It's tough and a cold just makes it even tougher so no wonder you're upset by your DH's attitude. Good luck talking to him. I agree that when he's spending 2 days a week with your dc he'll probably change his tune. My DH didn't spend more than an hour or two alone with ds until he was about 8 months (couldn't due to ds bf and being a very clingy baby) and it was a revelation to him! Since I've gone back to work things have felt much more balanced, I think I've also relaxed a bit about how long I leave them for, and he's now spent a couple of full days with ds with lots more planned over Christmas as he's currently out of work. He's totally stepped up and yes, has found it hard work, but so did I on mat leave!

I am a bit stumped by those saying 4/5 nights out in 8 months is a lot. My DH does that every month!!

Unless you mean full nights out in which case yes that's unfair...