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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be dreading MIL's military take-over

97 replies

TackyChrismasJumper · 18/12/2016 21:53

A few months ago DH and I decided to organise a casual BBQ for family and friends. Idea was that we'd just buy a load of meat and drinks in, BBQ in the garden with a bit of music etc.

DH then told me MIL was coming to 'help'. Help with what, I asked ...

Well she turned up in the morning with a shit load of plates, dishes, beakers etc etc. She then sent DH to shop with a shopping list of stuff she 'needed' (we'd already bought what we thought we needed).

He arrived back home with party sausage rolls, crisps, m&ms, salads, potatoes, garlic bread etc etc ... I thought it was getting a bit excessive - MIL then decided he needed to go BACK to shop for more meat and more potatoes and more everything basically. By the end of it DH had been backwards and forwards to shop 3 times, mil had used 3 whole bags of potatoes and DH had cooked 3 huge packs of chicken, 3 packs of burgers, 6 packs of breadcakes, pork chops and basically enough to feed the Chinese army. It was ridiculous. I knew it was too much but nobody would listen to me. We had around 15 people there. After the BBQ we had to throw half of the food away untouched as there was too much to even store in the fridge. I was furious. On top of this MIL insisted on barking orders at me all day whilst running around washing doors and skirting boards and making 'jokes' about me being useless. It was a massive stress.

Now DH has decided to have a party on Boxing Day for his dons 21st. Very similar set up to last year with more or less same people invited. DH has said "my mum will want to come and help".

I'm fucking dreading it. I very nearly lost my shit last time. This time I'm working until 5pm so will be coming home from a days work just as preparations are in full swing and I can NOT be doing with being ordered around and ridiculous amounts of food and money being wasted by DH running backwards and forwards to shop on her orders.

He won't have a word said against her and says it's me being ungrateful and unreasonable. AIBU to tell him to keep a check on her this time as I was so close to blowing my top last time??? It won't go down well

OP posts:

CauliflowerSqueeze · 19/12/2016 11:31

I would tell DH that either mil helps or you help. Which is it because it's definitely not both.

80sWaistcoat · 19/12/2016 11:41

Work late - absolutely.

Wildwillow · 19/12/2016 11:42

No useful advice. Bloody hell. I'd be (was frequently before divorce..) completely overwhelmed as well.
Two choices A) make your stand and endure the sulky flack from DH + MILFH (mother in law from...) and then be super organised with menus drinks, matching christmas napkins cleaning etc etc etc
B) Leave her to it turn up when all done (working late etc) and try to enjoy it and not pop with rage that you have been usurped.
My only concern is that Plan B will turn into a habit and you'll spend years resenting it. (I did). You need support from your DH to make this work.

BorpBorpBorp · 19/12/2016 11:58

Definitely tell DH that either you do it or MIL does, not both. If MIL comes to 'help', you put your feet up and when she gives you orders, say "oh no, I wouldn't want to get in your way, I'm sure you've got it all under control."

mummydawn07 · 19/12/2016 11:58

I feel your pain my mil is not exactly the overbearing type like you describe but I can only take her in small doses, so you know 1-2 hours of seeing her in the time frame of about a month or me suits me just fine, but when I do have to just grit my teeth and put up with her for any longer, like when she stayed at ours for 2 nights ( horrific time for me ) I just it's the only way I can deal with her, I get on with pretty much anyone after a few glasses , so you could try that method

user1477282676 · 19/12/2016 11:59

I would just let her do it all! Lovely! Disapear though so she can't bark at you. Appear in time to eat.

MycatsaPirate · 19/12/2016 12:02

FFS! It's like she's got to swan in and prove to her darling little boy how perfect she is compared to his utterly useless wife.

Well let them fucking crack on. Do as others say, go to the pub and enjoy yourself for a couple of hours.

Come home, go straight upstairs and get ready.

Tell your DH that it's fine, that you are happy to leave ALL the preparation and ALL the clearing up to him and his precious mother.

Because you are working and as you seem to be surplus to requirements in your own home you will quite happily enjoy the party as a guest.

user1477282676 · 19/12/2016 12:31

Yes...the only thing the MIL is "proving" is that she's a bit daft. Doing all the work for someone else!

3luckystars · 19/12/2016 12:41

Is she Irish? Just in her defence if she is, you MUST have at least twice too much food.

The only bigger sin in Ireland than being 'mean' with food is to arrive early for a function. One time (8years ago) a friend of dhs arrived half an hour early for my sons party, I still remember the shock of it, I haven't forgiven him.

At least we had enough food though!

MrsWhiteWash · 19/12/2016 13:01

You have a few options.

Have it out with DH - and say no.
Let her come over but manage her - ie have a list of tasks and constantly direct her and head her off before she takes over.
Work late or go out somewhere - turn up last and do lots of isn't she wonderful so she then can't complain about you being late.

Best long term thing get your DH on your side - so working late so he gets run ragged and bossed around might well be worth a shot.

5foot5 · 19/12/2016 13:43

Can't believe we have got this far in to the thread before pointing out that you don't have a MIL problem you have a DH problem.

You say the part is for "his" son's 21st so presumably there is an Ex somewhere. I wonder how she got on with the MIL?

OzzieFem · 19/12/2016 16:26

After work go and see a movie. If anyone complains about you not being at the party, just say you were told you useless last tiem, so left it to the experts!

Enjoy the break. Hopefully your MIL will be as expert at clearing up the mess afterwards, or your husband as the party was his idea.

OzzieFem · 19/12/2016 16:27

told you were useless last time

Astro55 · 19/12/2016 16:47

Is she Irish? Just in her defence if she is, you MUST have at least twice too much food

I don't buy into this at all!! It's rude to turn up to a party - take over - demand cleaning and additional food in someone else's house!!

I'm assuming OP is over 40 or at least DH is - ITs extremely bad manners to say the hostess who's opened her home to a party to be barked at and told she's useless -

So please don't bring 'it's OK because she X Y or Z'

Katy07 · 19/12/2016 17:37

Nick all his bank / credit cards before you leave for work so if she decides he needs to buy anything else to waste she'll be the one paying
Or tell him that as it's your home too you're saying no.

Pixel · 19/12/2016 18:12

I don't see how turning up when the party is in full swing is any sort of solution. It just gives MIL more ammunition when people are arriving. "Sorry OP isn't here yet, we don't know where she is but we've had to do all the work, as usual! Shame she couldn't be bothered to be here to greet her guests, you'll just have to make do with me (tinkly laugh)".

Sorry but this needs sorting and Dh is the main problem. Why did he marry OP if he has so little faith in her abilities that he has to draft in his mummy at every opportunity? Of course MIL is going to be better at organising, she's had years more practice! That's no reason for undermining OP's efforts, everyone has to start somewhere.

CoraPirbright · 19/12/2016 18:30

Good grief!! Time for your "d"h to make a bloody choice!! His nightmare mother or his wife!! Over my dead body would my MIL come to my house, insult me and take over to this extent. Its bloody ridiculous!!

3luckystars · 19/12/2016 18:35

I didn't say it was ok! I just said there may be reason she wanted so much food there. Its not ok to act like that!

Astro55 · 19/12/2016 18:37

I don't see how turning up when the party is in full swing is any sort of solution

By doing so DH gets all the flax - rather than OP and makes his existence hard - thus next time he says NO!

jelliebelly · 19/12/2016 18:39

Stay out of the way and let them get on with it!!

MsJudgemental · 19/12/2016 18:57

Agree- make-up counter, manicure, glass or 2 of fizz, arrive back at 7 to bath and change and be a guest only, announcing to all and sundry that you've been at work all day, so it's down to DH and MIL. Enjoy yourself, send all leftovers home with her, don't lift a finger to clear up- you've been at work all day- and have a lie-in next day. And tell DH she is not 'helping' in your house ever again. If she wants another do, it's at hers.

altiara · 19/12/2016 19:29

Have it catered or at a different venue. Except he's left it too late - why!
And why does DH not think his mum is crazy ordering him about and wasting time, money and food.
Cancel it and move to January.

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