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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be dreading MIL's military take-over

97 replies

TackyChrismasJumper · 18/12/2016 21:53

A few months ago DH and I decided to organise a casual BBQ for family and friends. Idea was that we'd just buy a load of meat and drinks in, BBQ in the garden with a bit of music etc.

DH then told me MIL was coming to 'help'. Help with what, I asked ...

Well she turned up in the morning with a shit load of plates, dishes, beakers etc etc. She then sent DH to shop with a shopping list of stuff she 'needed' (we'd already bought what we thought we needed).

He arrived back home with party sausage rolls, crisps, m&ms, salads, potatoes, garlic bread etc etc ... I thought it was getting a bit excessive - MIL then decided he needed to go BACK to shop for more meat and more potatoes and more everything basically. By the end of it DH had been backwards and forwards to shop 3 times, mil had used 3 whole bags of potatoes and DH had cooked 3 huge packs of chicken, 3 packs of burgers, 6 packs of breadcakes, pork chops and basically enough to feed the Chinese army. It was ridiculous. I knew it was too much but nobody would listen to me. We had around 15 people there. After the BBQ we had to throw half of the food away untouched as there was too much to even store in the fridge. I was furious. On top of this MIL insisted on barking orders at me all day whilst running around washing doors and skirting boards and making 'jokes' about me being useless. It was a massive stress.

Now DH has decided to have a party on Boxing Day for his dons 21st. Very similar set up to last year with more or less same people invited. DH has said "my mum will want to come and help".

I'm fucking dreading it. I very nearly lost my shit last time. This time I'm working until 5pm so will be coming home from a days work just as preparations are in full swing and I can NOT be doing with being ordered around and ridiculous amounts of food and money being wasted by DH running backwards and forwards to shop on her orders.

He won't have a word said against her and says it's me being ungrateful and unreasonable. AIBU to tell him to keep a check on her this time as I was so close to blowing my top last time??? It won't go down well

OP posts:

Krampus · 18/12/2016 22:46

There are times to put your foot down and times not to. If it is only a couple of times a year and just down to catering I would be more inclined to let her and dp to get with it.

I would be getting home late and any demands to clean doors would be met with a no, or a trip to the fridge to get a glass of wine and a sorry dp said you were doing it all.
Who pays for all those trip to the shops and the extra food? If it's your family then your dp needs to think about that.

Is there reason a reason she can't host at her house? Is her house too small but she misses entertaining?

kittykittykitty5 · 18/12/2016 22:48

Frankly, your OP has sent my Narc-o-meter off the scale. It was the fact that she is belittling you in front of others whilst being in full control of your home and your OH is enabling her.

Sorely tempted to tell you to get rid of both of them frankly.

StripeyMonkey1 · 18/12/2016 22:51

Another person to say WORK LATE and turn up when the party is just starting.

It would be very tempting then to make some sort of remark about something MIL could have missed, "Oh, have you not got any..?" and send DH out to get it. But that would be childish, and the better thing to do would be genuinely to appreciate and to thank MIL for looking after you so well after your long day at work.

ChuckGravestones · 18/12/2016 22:51

'Do what you like love, as long as you clear it all up afterwards. Are you planning on throwing another small fortune of food straight in the bin though, because that wasn't exactly good was it? I will be back at 5, make sure it is all prepped by the time I get in as I want to come home to a chilled evening.'

1horatio · 18/12/2016 22:52

Sounds horiible!!

Let them plan it and only come home after they're done?

Or put your foot down and tell OH to support you...

woodhill · 18/12/2016 22:56

I wouldn't like her taking over. Why would she want to be cleaning your skirting boards.

Does she pay for the food when your dh goes to buy it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/12/2016 22:58

Work late. But actually, secretly get off work, go to the nail/hair/make-up counter/pub and arrive exactly when the party starts looking fabulous and having had a glass of something fizzy.

Then spend the whole party telling everyone what a treasure your MIL is and how much you LOVE having nothing to do. It'll kill her.

Krampus · 18/12/2016 23:01

Last timw, was she using a party to get you to do household chores that she thought should have been done?

Jux · 18/12/2016 23:03

Work late or 'work late'. Whichever you do, don't get home until 7 and then go straight up to have a bath and get changed.

blowmybarnacles · 18/12/2016 23:04

YANBU. Can you focus her energy to your advantage?

Any task you have you can get her to work on? Maybe in solitude?

rollonthesummer · 18/12/2016 23:05

You're onto a losing battle here though if your DH doesn't see what you mean.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/12/2016 23:08

Leave the two of them to get on with it. He wants her to assist, she assists him.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 18/12/2016 23:12

She's outrageous, and he's more so for enabling it. He won't hear a word said against her? You've got a big problem here OP.

Put your foot down and tell him it's not happening like that, or tell him you're not prepared to be treated like that again, and he needs to stick up for you or you will ask them to leave.

Or get 'stuck at work' via the pub.

Naicehamshop · 18/12/2016 23:13

And it's ok for the op to be belittled in her own home in front of her guests and have to pay out (I assume) for a ton of wasted food?

Show a bit of backbone op and put a stop to this nonsense.

IMissGrannyW · 18/12/2016 23:15

My skirting boards are disgusting, as are most door frames. Could you send her round, please?
[DH cleans because I work longer hours, but we have different eyes!]

I can offer light switches....

Astro55 · 18/12/2016 23:22

id also head down the pub - rock up for a bath or long shower and grab a glass -

Let DH deal with his mother as he seems to enjoy it

Repeat aggressive comments back to her so she has to explain ..., Oh you think I didn't do X right .... Silence

SantasJockstrap · 18/12/2016 23:26

I LOVE what MrsTerryPratchett is saying. It is the only sane way, other than a blazing row

It must be infuriating that your husband is not backing you on this, however to avoid bad feeling, I would definitely do what the poster above is saying and say you are working late - and turn up too late to be involved in any prep.

Seriously, do it. Anything else just is not co-co

Pallisers · 18/12/2016 23:28

Tell everyone that your dh and his mother are organising the party because they love that kind of thing.

When you get in at 5 on the day, go up and have a bath.

If MIL starts barking orders at you tell her that DH is responsible for this party (and maybe mention that the BBQ was such a pain in the ass you thought it better this way) so all orders should be barked at you.

Act like a guest at the party. Ask your MIL why aren't there more sausage rolls. Ask your dh where the beer is.

If you hear her telling people you are useless - wink and say to people "you'd be useless too if you had to deal with the immovable force that is my MIL!"

Krampus · 18/12/2016 23:28

It's not ok for her to belittled at all. These situations are hard though if one side sees their parent as being helpful rather than doing harm.

One initial strategy is to let him experience it full on by removing yourself. Last time he was maybe irritated by going to the shops but that's nothing compared to being bossed around cleaning, cooking, fetching and laying out food for hours, in your own home.

peppatax · 18/12/2016 23:30

I'd be tempted to let my own tyres down and 'wait' for the RAC...

Krampus · 18/12/2016 23:38

You could passive aggressively ask her how she manages to spend xxxx on food that gets thrown away, when you only spend xx. Followed by the MN famous head tilt and tinkling laugh "you are so silly and useless". Maybe during your thank you speach for all her and dps hard work to make the party happen because you were held up at work.

Of course you will need many glasses of wine to work up the courage. Not so many that you can't bound over the garden fence to make a hasty exit.

KickAssAngel · 18/12/2016 23:45

At the end of the party, collect up all the food and wrap it in cling film, then send it ALL home with her.

Then send her a bill for it.

Bogeyface · 18/12/2016 23:56

I agree with letting her get on with it.

Get home, pour an obscenely large glass of wine, tinkle "Oh I am soooooooo glad that you are taking care of eveything! I am off for a nice soak in the bath" and then disappear. Reappear just after the first guest has arrived, and YY to sending MIL home with all the leftovers.

The fact is that she thinks you are useless so nothing you can do will change that so the only thing you can is use it to your advantage.

And in the new year have a long conversation about boundaries and expectations with your husband. Why did his first marriage end?

kerryob · 19/12/2016 00:15

I vote for working late too and letting your DH deal with his mum! Go and get a manicure so you can't do anything when you get home

Bogeyface · 19/12/2016 00:20

Oh YY to the manicure!

Float through the house tinkling "New nails!!!!!! Could you get me a glass of Pinot darling?! Thank you sooooooo much MIL, you are an absolute ANGEL!!!"

Cos lets face it, if she is going to pissed off at your uselessness, you might as well get some fucking laughs out it!

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