To be dreading MIL's military take-over

[TackyChrismasJumper]

A few months ago DH and I decided to organise a casual BBQ for family and friends. Idea was that we'd just buy a load of meat and drinks in, BBQ in the garden with a bit of music etc.

DH then told me MIL was coming to 'help'. Help with what, I asked ...

Well she turned up in the morning with a shit load of plates, dishes, beakers etc etc. She then sent DH to shop with a shopping list of stuff she 'needed' (we'd already bought what we thought we needed).

He arrived back home with party sausage rolls, crisps, m&ms, salads, potatoes, garlic bread etc etc ... I thought it was getting a bit excessive - MIL then decided he needed to go BACK to shop for more meat and more potatoes and more everything basically. By the end of it DH had been backwards and forwards to shop 3 times, mil had used 3 whole bags of potatoes and DH had cooked 3 huge packs of chicken, 3 packs of burgers, 6 packs of breadcakes, pork chops and basically enough to feed the Chinese army. It was ridiculous. I knew it was too much but nobody would listen to me. We had around 15 people there. After the BBQ we had to throw half of the food away untouched as there was too much to even store in the fridge. I was furious. On top of this MIL insisted on barking orders at me all day whilst running around washing doors and skirting boards and making 'jokes' about me being useless. It was a massive stress.

Now DH has decided to have a party on Boxing Day for his dons 21st. Very similar set up to last year with more or less same people invited. DH has said "my mum will want to come and help".

I'm fucking dreading it. I very nearly lost my shit last time. This time I'm working until 5pm so will be coming home from a days work just as preparations are in full swing and I can NOT be doing with being ordered around and ridiculous amounts of food and money being wasted by DH running backwards and forwards to shop on her orders.

He won't have a word said against her and says it's me being ungrateful and unreasonable. AIBU to tell him to keep a check on her this time as I was so close to blowing my top last time??? It won't go down well

Darling being DH of course, you are thanking MIL for doing all the work for the party. She will love you being crap, it justifies her feelings about you so on the surface she will be pissed off but underneath the burning martyr will fucking LOVE IT!

Why does your husband need mummy's help?

Hasn't DH realized that DM is creating more work rather than less?

All those extra trips and jobs? All that faff - just leave a note

Please leave kitchen tidy and take away rubbish and left overs on your way out - see you there!!

definitely for this one be late-let them do it but the next time tell him u dont need her help and shes not to come till everyone else does

I'm torn between making a stand now or backing off completely. What you definitely shouldn't do though, is what you did last time and just follow her orders.
If you don't finish till 5, I'd probably just get in as late as possible and remove myself from the preparations and go and get ready. But that doesn't solve the situation next time....

On top of this MIL insisted on barking orders at me all day whilst running around washing doors and skirting boards and making 'jokes' about me being useless

Its control isnt it - the food buying is OK its her money she wasted and its better than my MIl who would rather you eat what you don't like because there isn't enough.
Mil controls our BBQ too.

Its the part I have highlighted that I really dont like which is fucking rude, disgusting and undermining of you.

And its for this reason you need to say NO. Being kind and respectful to his mum doesnt mean allowing her every whim, and what about YOUR needs will he have a word said against you? Because thats what you mil is doing.

She is saying you cant organise a party and you cant cook or clean.

Op I had very similar with mil this year at a bday party, she was beyond rude and she wont be invited again.

Dont allow it.

What you definitely shouldn't do though, is what you did last time and just follow her orders

Dont go down this route op - dont let her help! Make a fuss!!

I'd be tempted to be the 'useless' caricature she's painting you as. Pop your feet up and practice this phrase,"You are so efficient

This is terrible advice can you imagine what this mil says behind this ops back!

Its not good at all to perpetuate this kind of thinking you must fight it op, dont let her make you out as lazy and incaplable and dirty then - infront of wider family show this by having her do all the work - not good.

Your husband seems to be buying into the fact that you are 'useless' by saying his mother will come to help. I think a chat is needed.

I'd tell your DH to go ahead but you won't be turning up till 7 at the earliest. If he wants his mummy running around his house then let him - you're not going to be there though.

It was the fact that she is belittling you in front of others whilst being in full control of your home and your OH is enabling her

This.

You cant let her do it op, sorry but Id risk a row - who cares - why are people so frightened of a row! Let them have one.

Its belitting you.

He won't have a word said against her and says it's me being ungrateful and unreasonable

Work late. Turn up at 7pm. Socialise at the party and avoid your MIL. Ignore any orders - literally just turn and walk away.

If your H wants to talk about it afterwards, then very calmly point out that you didn't like what happened at the BBQ and he said you were unreasonable. So all you've done is to stay out of the way so that she could crack on. If that's also a problem, then who is unreasonable?

Who is paying for all the extra food? You and dh or her? Because if it's you then absolutely say no!

Tell your DH it's you or MIL, but not both of you.

Let her get on with it, in fact I wouldn't bloody turn up.

Make sure you insist on sending guests hone with the leftovers because MIL and DH bought too much again! /tinkly laugh/ Don't take no for an answer. Anything left over, insist MIL takes it because you can't bear to waste it like last time.

I would use this an excuse to go out till the party is in full swing.

^^

Op why turn up at all?

Why not in fact just move out of your home! They dont need you at the party, you cant clean, you cant organise - he wont have a bad word said about her - why not just slink away to somewhere where people actually want you> Let the sweet old dear have total run of your life - after all - you know - she can do it better and so does - DH.

Keep it simple.

Just say to your dh 'No, she can come as a guest. End. Of.' Otherwise, she can host it at her house if she wants to organise it all.

that last comment of mine was so sarcastic but I just cannot believe anyone would suggest she stays out of her own home. I am beyond words I really am.

IMO you need to stand up to your DH and tell him calmly but forcibly that this is not acceptable and HE must change the situation and explain to MIL.
If it doesn't go down well that is his problem. He should be supporting you not MIL.
I speak from the voice of experience and as someone who wishes they had had the courage to speak up earlier.
If you don't do this I believe you will be setting a precedent for MIL to do whatever she likes, whenever she likes.

I wouldn't be bothered having a row. MrsTerryPratchett has the only sensible solution:

*Work late. But actually, secretly get off work, go to the nail/hair/make-up counter/pub and arrive exactly when the party starts looking fabulous and having had a glass of something fizzy.

Then spend the whole party telling everyone what a treasure your MIL is and how much you LOVE having nothing to do. It'll kill her.*

My PILs do this when they come down once a month for three days to do one day child care. Obviously I appreciate the childcare (although we don't need it, it's a choice), they love it and DD loves it, but I spend the time biting my tongue. So... I work late, I do lots of reading in corners of sofas, and the last two times I've gone away with my friends. They don't want me around really, and that works for all of us. I get time off, they all get to spend time together. Christmas is with 'them' this year, so I'm already making my avoidance plans.

Well, your DH needs to stand the fuck up to her and stop calling you ungrateful, first of all.

Does she bark orders at him? Does he like it? If so, fine. Leave them to it. Arrive after the party has started. If she tries to order you around, just say 'I'm not staff' and turn on your heel.

Just say no!
There is so much passive aggressive bullshit being suggested on this thread! MIL buys too much food? Send it home with her, preferably while commenting on the waste. MIL gets your DH to buy too much? Make sure they know you are unhappy with the waste! MIL trys to get you to do pointless jobs? Say no.
MIL snipes? Ask hey why she is being so rude then throw the bitch out
There is no point trying to be nice, she doesn't care about your feelings and likely never will. You just need to make sure she knows it's your territory. Your husband needs to stop being so pathetic.
I may be spoiling for a fight with some of my own in laws. Can you tell?

agree - arrive with the first guest. Nice bubble bath and then mingle and chat.