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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to be angry/upset (xmas gift problem)

90 replies

ShineySquirell · 18/12/2016 14:09

Excuse if I rant a bit but this has really riled me.
It's probably gonna sound really trivial so some and also ungrateful which I am definitely not but I feel like they've really over stepped the mark here.

Basically back at the beginning of November I bought my daughter who's 3 a new doll one of the baby born ones that wee,poo cry ect etc this is her main present from myself and her dad even tho he had no bloody input into it and even tho I showed him what I bought and wrapped it right in front of him he conveniently forgot I had bought it.

So cue a just over a week ago my dh came home from work (he works with his dad) saying that today his dad has decided to get my dd a new dolls pram for xmas which I thought was great as she could use it with her new doll,but then dh added that fil is also on about getting her a doll to go with it aswell, I was not happy as I felt like why does she need 2 new dolls and also I don't want the doll fil gets to outshine the one I bought.

I thought I had made it clear to dh but today we met with fil and he has gone ahead and bought her a doll and then he went on to say oh it's a good one it wees and poos and everything !
I'm ashamed to say I lost it at dh i can't believe after what I said fil has still gone and bought it. Aibu to be upset and angry about this?

OP posts:
Glittermakeseverythingbetter · 18/12/2016 15:12

My mil did this with a baby annabell. I put hers in the loft and dd1 aged 2 was none the wiser. It got played with lots when dd2 came along and wanted the same doll as her big sister! Grin

ALittleMop · 18/12/2016 15:14

ok so its actually a whole bunch of other huge big massive ishoos that are not in your OP

Your DH should care a bit more about your feelings, and pay a bit more attention, perhaps.

If you can do it without sounding all mardyI'd suggest to FIL that as you have already bought exact same doll, maybe it would be nice for DD if he chose another, though the pram itself is more than enough.

whattodowiththepoo · 18/12/2016 15:15

Yabu

Original poster
ShineySquirell · 18/12/2016 15:19

Bluntless if only you knew seriously, dh always says he means no harm and I know he probably doesn't but as I said this is just another thing in a long line tbh, how would you feel if you were constantly undermined about everything by a in law it does kinda wear you down after a while SadConfused

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 18/12/2016 15:20

I'd just make sure that DD opened my gift doll before FiLs. Can you arrange that?

Original poster
ShineySquirell · 18/12/2016 15:22

To those who asked yes today I had the talk about the fact I have already bought the same doll and my feelings about it were shoved to the side it doesn't matter how i feel it's fine according to fil and dh

OP posts:
Original poster
ShineySquirell · 18/12/2016 15:25

I know the Pram is more than enough becuae I can be sure that he hasn't scrimped on that either but as always he's gone over the top

OP posts:
Benedikte2 · 18/12/2016 15:26

OP I can understand your frustration and disappointment. It is disrespectful of DH not to even register what you've said etc and he doesn't have the excuse of an elderly fading memory! This is an issue for you to address with him at a less stressful time.
You have 2 options ring FIL and check and ask him if he'll get DD some accessories for your doll maybe check what is available first and what you feel your wee one would like most -- or you can make sure DD receives your gift first and has time to bond with it before FILs is opened.
It sounds from your post that you don't find dealing with FIL very easy.
Good luck

blankmind · 18/12/2016 15:29

Will the doll you bought fit in the pram that FIL bought?

Has FIL bought exactly the same doll, or just one that is similar?
If it's exactly the same, ask him politely to exchange it for a different one.

" I feel that I can constantly being undermined by him and he away goes way over the top with gifts and I sometimes can't compare as I don't have that kinda money and I know that's not what xmas is all about at all and I should be greatfill dcs have such a generous gf but young kids although they see love also see material things and it hurts sometimes that he can get them things I cannot"

You need to get over this, a 3 year old doesn't care who bought what and she won't be weighing up how much you provided vs her Granddad.

My Dad bought dd loads more things than we could ever afford, but it never crossed my mind that dd would compare what she got from us to what she got from him. That's the point, isn't it? Generally, parents struggle with mortgage, rent, living expenses etc. whilst the grandparents who are fortunate enough to have a reasonable financial situation want to indulge their grandchildren. They aren't trying to compete against you which is how you appear to view it.

Italiangreyhound · 18/12/2016 15:32

YANBU two dolls is fine but they can buy the pram and you buy the special doll. Don't bother explaining to your dh, he has proved he is not really listening about Christmas gifts.

Explain to your FIL, pram is great. No doll, thank you , we have that covered.

JJbum · 18/12/2016 15:33

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I'd be pretty angry at my DH in this situation
He should have enough interest in his own daughter to remember what her main Christmas present is. He should understand that 2 identical, or very similar gifts at the same time means that 1 is essentially a waste of money. No, it doesn't matter, in the grand scheme of things, if your daughter gets two dolls that are the same. If it were accidental it's the type of thing I'd laugh at. But why not avoid the situation if it can be avoided? That just seems like common sense!

I get why you're annoyed. Your OH is treating your planning, your thoughts and your feelings as inconsequential. He's not doing that because he is putting his child first, quite the opposite. He has so little interest in his child's gifts from him that he can't even remember what the main one is. What is important to him is agreeing with and please his dad. That's wrong in so many ways. This is about your husband's priorities and you are right to be annoyed by them.

Original poster
ShineySquirell · 18/12/2016 15:33

No benid I don't at all it is very difficult he is such a negative person in general that conversations with him can be tough at the best of times I have had issues with him making not very nice albeit joking to him comments to ds who's 11 now and has ADHD/asd and as said before being constantly undermined and for the 6years of being with dh he didn't even talk to me at all !!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ShineySquirell · 18/12/2016 15:36

Blankmind it's the exact same doll and I know that but I have a 11 year old ds aswell and it's always been the same with him aswell and at 11 you are slightly swayed my material things don't get me started on what fil has bought him

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/12/2016 15:37

I know I probably over reacted

No probably about it tbh.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/12/2016 15:38

YANBU

I'm sorry they're making you feel like this, constantly.

Of course it doesn't matter if a child gets two dolls. That's not the point.

It matters massively that your feelings are CONSTANTLY being ignored by your DH and he's constantly siding with your FIL.

Your FIL isn't being nice. If he was being nice he'd see that the doll is what YOU can afford as a 'main' present & that to buy the same thing as 'part' of his present to her is going to make you feel shitty. Any NICE person would have bought something else such as clothes, bottles, nappies etc.

You need to talk to your DH and get this sorted out. You can't go on like this.

However, your DD is 3, it's a lovely age for Christmas, don't let this spoil your enjoyment of this Christmas with her 🎄🎅🏻🎁

Italiangreyhound · 18/12/2016 15:38

To those who think it is just a doll, it is not. Shiny has said her feelings are pushed to the side and not taken into account. Lots of people moan their children are way too materialistic but when a parent tries to limit the am amount of 'stuff' a child receives then this is seem as going over the top.

We have no idea really if the FIL is trying undermine his DIL or not. But we do know from the OP that he is not listening to her.

That is not very nice, and is certainly not what Christmas is about either.

Original poster
ShineySquirell · 18/12/2016 15:40

Jjbum omg thank you so much you have just said in so many words how I am feeling right now I'm so glad someone understands thank you Flowers

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/12/2016 15:40

Go on, tell us what he's bought DS 😖

Original poster
ShineySquirell · 18/12/2016 15:42

Italian that is what I said to fil today but it just got dismissed because he had already ordered it albeit not picked it up so a exchange would be simple. I feel that If dh had the balls to say that to fil weeks ago this wouldn't be a issue which is what hurts the most right now

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/12/2016 15:43

Ok. There's a huge back story on your unhappy marriage and poor relationship with your father in law, which should be dealt with at maybe another time and in a context that doesn't include him being generous to his granddaughter at Xmas or your husband just forgetting the doll type. It's understandable they don't feel a big issue here when seen in isolation, most posters feel the same.

On this specific scenario , your daughter is benefitting, fhere is no competition and if he wants to buy her nice gifts then there is no issue at this age. She won't compare, she doesn't care who gives, it's all about the pressies at that stage and the excitement of it. Its just a doll and a park, he hardly bought her harrods toy hall.

I get that it's the straw that broke the camels back due to other serious marital problems.

Original poster
ShineySquirell · 18/12/2016 15:48

Annie and any others interested, he has bought his a racing style computer gaming chair and the new sky landers game for the PS4 !! It's ridiculous he said he had bought the chair a few weeks ago which was fine still a expensive gift but fine who am I to begrudge ds but then today when he said he'd got him the PS4 game aswell I just give up Sad

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Original poster
ShineySquirell · 18/12/2016 15:50

Blunt no our marriage is fine when fil isn't in the equation Grin

OP posts:
DontOpenDeadInside · 18/12/2016 15:59

I'd let him give the following and pram, but buy her a double buggy for her "twins"

DontOpenDeadInside · 18/12/2016 16:00

Following=doll Hmm

randomeragain · 18/12/2016 16:02

give one away....sorted

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