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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've left the washing up on his chair

97 replies

Grumpybear16 · 18/12/2016 06:27

Aibu? Background info is we have 2 small boys aged 2.5 and 7 months. I'm on maternity leave and DH works full time and goes to the gym most evenings. He also eats separately from us as he says he needs more protein. Every morning I get up to his washing up and the kitchen a mess. I do it because I can't stand the mess. Yesterday I took the boys to my Mums for the day and I came back last night to piles of washing up/mess on his computer desk. I asked him last night to wash it up and this morning it's still there. Instead of doing the usual I have piled it all on his chair so when he wants to go on his computer he'll have to deal with that first (I don't expect him to wash it up and there'll probably be an argument). I'm planning on starting to pile it in his car or even just chucking the whole lot away so he has to wash things up before using it, I'm that sick of it. Aibu to just leave it there? Should I warn him first? Wwyd?

OP posts:

Lorelei76 · 18/12/2016 09:44

"Every girl should be given a tee-shirt with this inspiring message."

some of us never needed one, thanks.

Timetogrowup2016 · 18/12/2016 09:47

Yanbu!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/12/2016 09:51

His comments about you having all day to do it sound very naive. Does he ever have your kids on his own? Arrange a day for him to have them if not, so he can find out for himself how busy you are.

My DH works full time and throughout my whole maternity leave he did most of the washing up. I was cooking, looking after DS, doing all the shopping etc. It's fair.

As for the washing up, would you all be happier with a dishwasher? I think you have to address your DH's attitude towards you but once that's resolved, getting a dishwasher might just help to take away that issue. (He's in the wrong, though).

CL12345 · 18/12/2016 10:16

I'm actually trying to think of ways I can talk to him about all the things he does/doesn't do that are not acceptable but he always goes on the defensive and we end up having an argument and then I look like the unstable one. I honestly think sometimes it would be easier to be a single Mum, but then I remember that he does help out at times and both boys adore him. It's not all bad. I think I could put up with more if I felt like my needs were being met and he could acknowledge once in a while how hard it is being a Mum.

That was me 5 months ago! I am now a single mum and feel so much better for it. At least, now I know where I stand and I am doing everything, because I do not have the choice, not because a man child could not be bothered!

Your issues are deeper than just the washing up; your husband seems like a rather selfish and immature man.
Being a single mum does not mean the other parent will not see his children nor will not help from time to time ;)

liletsthepink · 18/12/2016 11:23

I'm not going to comment on your DH leaving all the domestic stuff to you because pp have already said exactly what I think.

I have a back condition that means I use a wheelchair some of the time. Going to the gym can actually do more harm than good if you do the wrong type of exercise which strains your spine. The most important exercises for a bad back are ones that strengthen your core, improve posture and help flexibility. Has your DH actually seen a an expert back specialist (surgeon, rheumatologist or physiotherapist) who told him to go to the gym all the time?

GabsAlot · 18/12/2016 12:49

i was going to ask what his official diagnosis is

whatever though u dont need to do exercise at the gym it can be done anywhere-hes fobbing u off with excuses

obviously its come to a head i wouldnt do any of his cleaning /waqhsing up it could sit there a far as im concerned

the kids loving him is irrelevant all kids love their parents it doesnt mean theyre good parents or partners though

kali110 · 18/12/2016 13:54

I have a something wrong with my
Back and regular exercise is good incase the very worse happens, so no it may not be bollocks ( though i think pilates would probably
Be good for him) .
I would not be impressed with him saying you have all day though.
I quite like you piling it all up on the chair!
Complete agree with TheNewMrsGerardButler though, people should not be saying they would hit him.
If op had said her dh had hit her because she's left the dishes there would be uproar

Namechangeemergency · 18/12/2016 13:59

Regular exercise yes. But constant exercise to prevent him becoming reliant on a wheelchair? .
Nah.

DeepanKrispanEven · 18/12/2016 14:24

InfiniteCurve, the point is that the bad back sounds at best wildly exaggerated.

kali110 · 18/12/2016 14:30

name i may end up in one because of my problems. I should be having regular exercise ( unfortunately i've messed up another part of my body so i can't ).

DailyFail1 · 18/12/2016 14:33

So if you went to work f/t and he became a stahd you'd also be happy to 1) make your own dinner 2) be expected to do washing up 3) be made to feel guilty for having a break? If not then you need to lighten up or perhaps go back to work & hire a cleaner for the stuff you don't want to do.

Nothing wrong with being a stay at home mum, but household chores are part and parcel of the job. It's what makes being a stay at home mum so bloody difficult.

Namechangeemergency · 18/12/2016 14:43

kali but the op isn't describing 'regular exercise'. The OH is a gym bunny.
My OH has MS so has to exercise regularly to help with pain, stiffness and spasms.
He uses a scooter because he cannot walk outside of the home.

If he was doing the amount of gym workouts the OH in the OP is doing he would do himself terrible damage.

We all need to keep fit and healthy to slow down degeneration but what condition needs daily gym workouts to prevent inevitable wheelchair use?

I think its pretty crap to manipulate your partner using the threat of a health condition to get your own way.

Just as it would be crap for someone to ignore their partners health needs and prevent them from taking appropriate exercise.

kali110 · 18/12/2016 14:46

I don't think there's anything wrong with the sahp doing some household chores as that is pArt of their job, but there is difference between that and being a skivvy.
From op's posts it sounds like her dp is just treating her a skivvy.
'You've got all day to do it'.
She takes the boys out for the day he didn't need to leave a load of washing up for her to do.
She may be a sahm, but it doesn't mean she has to do everything.

Softkitty2 · 18/12/2016 14:47

Your youngest will be having more solids in a month or two.. So during the day go out for a long lunch, facial or mani pedi, shopping and leave him with the kids.. Leave around 11, do not prepare the childrens lunches, leave him to do it..

Also say on top of looking after children he has to do what you would usually do e.g washing up, laundry, dinner, cleaning etc..

You need to let him experience a day in your life

SilentBatperson · 18/12/2016 15:45

Has he noticed yet OP?

lacktoastandtolerance · 18/12/2016 16:01

Get a big stack of post-it notes, write "Fuck you, Grumpybear16" on each one and put one on every item of washing up.

OohhItsNotHoxton · 18/12/2016 16:06

I haven't RTFT but I am in awe of you OP. You are genius.

Original poster

Grumpybear16 · 18/12/2016 20:29

Thanks for all your replies. When he noticed he just said "was that really necessary?!" And I said yes! He eventually got round to washing them this afternoon. Nothing exciting to report.

His back condition is scoliosis for all interested.

Letting him experience my day seems to be a popular suggestion. I'll definitely have to try that in a few months when the baby is eating more solids. I don't mind doing the chores, I do all the washing up/cleaning/washing etc, its when everything is always left in a mess that I take exception. It doesn't take 2 minutes to move dirty dishes next to the sink or dirty clothes into the washing basket.

Have a good Christmas!

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 18/12/2016 23:10

ah well, I would be only washing stuff that is actually in the washing basket. after all you could not be certain that he wanted the stuff washed now could you?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 18/12/2016 23:12

I stopped washing DH's pants once as he seemed to think a washing fairy did it. We were both working at the time and I don't think he'd put a wash on un-asked.

He got a bit of a shock one morning though He now does more around the house (I'm a SAHM) and I expect to also get some downtime in the evenings and weekends.

KatharinaRosalie · 19/12/2016 10:13

If you leave them, make sure he understands what should be getting done in a day.
Friend of mine is always super busy with her DC, doing all kinds of activities, taking them out; then educational activities at home; then cooking healthy meals - while of course doing all the cleaning, laundry and general Wifework.

When DH has the kids, they all spend the day in front of TV in the PJs, eating junk food. While it's of course nice to have an occasional day like that, he assumes that this is what a life as SAHP is like. Fairies, apparently, do the rest.

oohlalala · 19/12/2016 10:27

Good on you, I can recall my mind going blank when dh asked me what I had done each day. In the end I started listing stuff so I could have a swift recall. I have also gone in and announced that there were 4 jobs which needed doing, listed them to him and asked which 2 hes going to do. Hope he starts doing the dishes

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