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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've left the washing up on his chair

97 replies

Grumpybear16 · 18/12/2016 06:27

Aibu? Background info is we have 2 small boys aged 2.5 and 7 months. I'm on maternity leave and DH works full time and goes to the gym most evenings. He also eats separately from us as he says he needs more protein. Every morning I get up to his washing up and the kitchen a mess. I do it because I can't stand the mess. Yesterday I took the boys to my Mums for the day and I came back last night to piles of washing up/mess on his computer desk. I asked him last night to wash it up and this morning it's still there. Instead of doing the usual I have piled it all on his chair so when he wants to go on his computer he'll have to deal with that first (I don't expect him to wash it up and there'll probably be an argument). I'm planning on starting to pile it in his car or even just chucking the whole lot away so he has to wash things up before using it, I'm that sick of it. Aibu to just leave it there? Should I warn him first? Wwyd?

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 18/12/2016 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mindtrope · 18/12/2016 07:45

grumpy- were you the poster who complained about your OH eating all the eggs?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 18/12/2016 07:45

Enormoustiger I don't think I've ever heard so much tosh in all my life. Congrats on all the money, though.

NiceFalafels · 18/12/2016 07:48

He's very selfish. So basicly he gets all the leisure time. You hardly get any time.

AyeAmarok · 18/12/2016 07:48

YANBU.

It's just so disrespectful, isn't it.

Clearing up after himself is beneath him. So he thinks you should do it for him, like you're his staff

NiceFalafels · 18/12/2016 07:48

Enourmas talks crap. You'd end up working and doing everything domestic because he's a selfish nob

NiceFalafels · 18/12/2016 07:49

He's clearly not a family man

Mindtrope · 18/12/2016 07:53

Enormoustiger I feel sorry for the fact that it comes down to money in order for you to maintain healthy family dynamics.

I gave up work in order to be a SAHM. My OH worked long hours and earned well, but my position was never compromised. He was very aware that he was only able to be a father and work so hard because of my support, he does what he can when at home, he gives me free and total access to his earnings without question.

His treatment of me is nothing to do with my earning, it's to do with the fact that he respects me as an an individual, his partner and the mother of his children.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 18/12/2016 07:53

I found earning 10x my husband worked very well indeed.

Original poster

Grumpybear16 · 18/12/2016 07:53

I'm actually trying to think of ways I can talk to him about all the things he does/doesn't do that are not acceptable but he always goes on the defensive and we end up having an argument and then I look like the unstable one. I honestly think sometimes it would be easier to be a single Mum, but then I remember that he does help out at times and both boys adore him. It's not all bad. I think I could put up with more if I felt like my needs were being met and he could acknowledge once in a while how hard it is being a Mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

Grumpybear16 · 18/12/2016 07:55

Mindtrope no that wasn't me, but does sound very familiar in my case too 🙄

OP posts:

ZuzaPa · 18/12/2016 07:57

You've got all day to do it???? Seriously! Well I think I would have hit him. You should book yourself into a nice hotel for a week & let him stay home & do all the parenting, shopping, chopping, cooking, cleaning up, entertaining, play, nappies naps bedtimes baths & see how he fares! Going to work is much easier than staying home to parent & take care of a home.

Original poster

Grumpybear16 · 18/12/2016 07:57

Ayeamarok - I honestly don't think he thinks. Like he's so thoughtless it doesn't even cross his mind. His mum never made him do anything round the house so I think it's just carried over from that.

OP posts:

Mindtrope · 18/12/2016 07:57

grumpy- does your OH have a temper?

AyeAmarok · 18/12/2016 07:59

Ah, good to see you back, Enormous!

Unfortunately though, in most cases where the woman is married to someone like OP's DH, all going back to work means is that they are still responsible for all the child and domestic chores, while working FT as well. Because wifework.

Basically, it's him who's the problem.

123MothergotafleA · 18/12/2016 08:00

Another one who thinks that having a penis absolves him from all domestic tasks.
Where do these pricks get off ? Seriously though this situation sounds worse than usual. This princeling has completely disengaged from his family, he might as well be single. Sadly for you my lovely you have a big decision to make here.
Just out of interest, does he not even adore his own sweet babies?
How can he resist them?
Definitely something wrong with his wiring.

Whatsername17 · 18/12/2016 08:00

YANBU. Not at all. You need to talk about the bigger issues though. For me, maternity leave means that I'll do the lion's share of the cooking and cleaning once the baby you is of a reasonable age and I'm in a routine. But, you shouldn't be expected to do everything. It also means that I expect dh to come home and take the kids off my hands for a while. We also alternate bedtime. Id be pissed off if he took himself out every night. A hobby once or, at a push, twice a week is fine, but when you have a new baby things have to change for a little while. At 7 months, your little one is at a perfect age for you to be getting some time for yourself back. For me, it was an exercise classes once a week. What does he do with his kids? You are not his house keeper. His treatment of you is disgusting.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 18/12/2016 08:00

Zuzu

That's the best idea yet.

Sometimes the only way anyone can show how much they do is not to do it for a while.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 18/12/2016 08:01

I would be more upset at my husband choosing to spend all his free time at the gym rather than with his young family, than the washing up issue.

What does he actually say in defence of going to the gym everynight and leaving piles of washing up for you to attend to?

MoreThanUs · 18/12/2016 08:02

You don't need to be in full time employment, or earn more than your OH. You just need to not chose a lazy twat to father your children.

OP - hope you can sort it out. Do t worry about him trying to start an argument. Just stay calm and reasonable and say the issue is far too important to argue over. You need to talk through it all to agree a solution, or your relationship is not going to work out. Good luck.

GloGirl · 18/12/2016 08:03

I've had the same age gap. It's hell. Torture. Exhausting! You'll be in a much much better place in a year's time.

If you ask my DH about the younger years, he will give you the same response as me because he lived through those years with me. He didn't spend all of his time out at a time consuming or messy hobby and if he did he wouldn't expect me to skivvy around him.

It was so hard some days and that can put a strain on your relationship and yes there were days I thought it would be easier to be a single parent and times when I told DH that too!

If that were my DH I'd buy him 10 really cheap frying pans or whatever it is he uses and paper plates and plastic cutlery so for Christmas, nothing else. Then he has the luxury of throwing away his dirty stuff as he never has time to wash it. That would be all he'd get for Christmas from me and I'd hope that would effectively make the point that I've got better things and better babies to look after than an adult too.

Mindtrope · 18/12/2016 08:04

I agree about the gym.
Being obsessive about fitness and body image can turn into an unhealthy obsession.

Going to a gym every night , ignoring his young children and disrepecting his wife is very dysfunctional.

Shakey15000 · 18/12/2016 08:06

Oh aye I'd leave it there. In fact I'd probably shove it in his bag on top of his gym kit. Do you wash that as well? I wouldn't. Draw him a map leading to the washing machine.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 18/12/2016 08:11

My advice is to show it don't say it.

Book yourself a few days out at the weekend or a weekend away with the girls.
Let him experience your life.
Swan back in announcing "but you've had all day!" when you spot a household job not done.

Join the gym yourself as well. Select slots that he has previously selected for himself, leaving him to bath and put the kids to bed while you go to the gym. Sit in the cafe with a book and a cup of tea if you prefer! Make sure you don't agree that he continues at his normal time and you go afterwards. Disrupt his routine and ensure that the slot he has means that he will have to pull his weight. Of course he is allowed some "me" time, but it should be within the boundaries of family life. If he wants to go to the gym every night then so do you.

And if he thinks twice a week is good then you do too.

Until he experiences what your day / evening is like then he won't be able to empathise.

Remember: you're nobody's skivvy. Make yourself less available and force his hand.

KatharinaRosalie · 18/12/2016 08:11

You have the whole day? Let me guess, he has NEVER been home with the 2 of them the whole day. Honestly, you should give him this opportunity, so he can spend all this imaginary free time doing chores. House should of course be immaculate when you return, and kids happy and entertained.

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