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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've left the washing up on his chair

97 replies

Grumpybear16 · 18/12/2016 06:27

Aibu? Background info is we have 2 small boys aged 2.5 and 7 months. I'm on maternity leave and DH works full time and goes to the gym most evenings. He also eats separately from us as he says he needs more protein. Every morning I get up to his washing up and the kitchen a mess. I do it because I can't stand the mess. Yesterday I took the boys to my Mums for the day and I came back last night to piles of washing up/mess on his computer desk. I asked him last night to wash it up and this morning it's still there. Instead of doing the usual I have piled it all on his chair so when he wants to go on his computer he'll have to deal with that first (I don't expect him to wash it up and there'll probably be an argument). I'm planning on starting to pile it in his car or even just chucking the whole lot away so he has to wash things up before using it, I'm that sick of it. Aibu to just leave it there? Should I warn him first? Wwyd?

OP posts:
TheWoodlander · 18/12/2016 08:19

Love that we all instantly know who EnormousTiger is Grin

OP - yanbu, and this tactic may work, providing you are married to a reasonable man. If you are married to a dick, well, he's a dick and will argue with you about it. You will soon see.....

I had this problem initially with DH (a reasonable man) when I went from working FT to being a sahm with young dc. He genuinely thought it was reasonable to leave everything domestic to me, and had no idea how much work looking after small dc is.

Does he ever look after the dc on his own? Perhaps he should. For a whole day and preferably a night too.

He's still living the lifestyle of a single man, with the added bonus of a domestic help to wash up his high protein dinner stuff.

ZuzaPa · 18/12/2016 08:19

Maybe couples counseling is a good idea, if it turns into an argument & then you are made feel like the unreasonable one (gaslighting)... it would be good to deal with with a mediator & it needs dealing with, he obviously values himself & his needs above everything & that's not what families are about.

Original poster
Grumpybear16 · 18/12/2016 08:22

I should give a bit more info really. He goes to the gym so much as he has a back condition whenby he says if he doesn't do something to strengthen it he could end up on a wheelchair later on and he doesn't want that, he wants to be healthy for his kids. He does put the toddler to bed most nights, but this consists of a quick story and a kiss. We do family things most weekends. He has said to me lots of times if I want to go out and do something tell him and he will take the kids, but the thought of going out on these dark cold evenings doesn't appeal at all. I need to sort it out really. I've also spent far too much time clearing up after him so now he thinks it's acceptable to leave everything for me to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grumpybear16 · 18/12/2016 08:24

And for all who say go away/leave him for a day with them. Not possible I'm afraid as I breastfeed the smallest and I can't imagine him taking a bottle. Love the idea though!

OP posts:
TheNewMrsGerardButler · 18/12/2016 08:26

ZuzuPa
If a man posted saying , 'It was my day off, my wife came home from work and was annoyed because I'd left the dishes even though I'd had all day, so I hit her' there would be fucking uproar.

But yeah let's condone violence against men, that's great Hmm FFS!

OP, sorry you're dealing with this. You really need to have a serious discussion with him.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 18/12/2016 08:29

Remember: you're nobody's skivvy.

Every girl should be given a tee-shirt with this inspiring message.

Mindtrope · 18/12/2016 08:31

He goes to the gym so much as he has a back condition whenby he says if he doesn't do something to strengthen it he could end up on a wheelchair later on and he doesn't want that, he wants to be healthy for his kids.

Sorry I don't buy that one- is that what he has spun you? He's doing this for the kids?

There are plenty ways to keep a back and core strong that don't involve going to the gym every day. Half an hour of pilates at home every day will give a very strong back.

BellyBean · 18/12/2016 08:32

Can you not just speak to him? You're disrespecting me by assuming I'll clean up after you. I'm not prepared to continue to do your dishes.

Original poster
Grumpybear16 · 18/12/2016 08:38

CauliflowerSqueeze that's great advice, thank you. He has offered so I will take him up on it. I like the idea of going for a coffee instead 😂

I'm going to get through Christmas as best I can without losing my sh*t and then really start to take back control otherwise I think my sanity will really suffer.

OP posts:
TheWoodlander · 18/12/2016 08:43

Not possible I'm afraid as I breastfeed the smallest and I can't imagine him taking a bottle. Love the idea though!

Ah, it will still be there for you when you stop breastfeeding Wink Although from experience, it may like forever away...

Do let us know his reaction when he finds the stuff on his chair.

Imbroglio · 18/12/2016 08:47

Presumably he'll be around a bit more over the holiday so that's a good opportunity to get him doing things that he normally leaves for you, and to take some gentle time out for yourself.

DeepanKrispanEven · 18/12/2016 08:49

Find something you'd like to do regularly in the evenings after Christmas - whether it's an exercise class, any other type of class, book club, stitch and bitch, or just regular evenings out with your friends. Hold him to that offer to be responsible for the kids, but point out that that includes washing up, tidying the bathroom when they've bathed, clearing up toys and anything else that you do with them - not just the fun bits.

And point out that he can do exercises for his back at home, in fact washing up and housework is very good exercise indeed.

DameDeDoubtance · 18/12/2016 08:52

Stay firm and stop cleaning up after him or you will be doing it forever. Be very clear and tell him he needs to pull his weight if he wants to continue the relationship. Read wifework.

Misselthwaite · 18/12/2016 08:52

You ought to buy the book wifework. It really helped me sort my arguments out.

I doubt very much your DH is going to say I left it because washing up is women's work he knows that would be unreasonable. Even though that is exactly why he's done it he probably doesn't even realise himself because its so ingrained. Instead it will be because you have more time or because it doesn't take very long. He will minimize it as in you're reading more into it than you should. The arguments get repetitive and you need to break the cycle.

Get him to read the blog she divorced me because I left the washing up on the side.

InfiniteCurve · 18/12/2016 08:54

Deepan, housework and washing up may be exercise but I doubt they'd do much for a bad back,particularly the washing up!

Namechangeemergency · 18/12/2016 08:58

A doctor may come along and tell me to keep my nose out but....I think him having a condition that would put him in a wheelchair unless he works out obsessively is bollocks.

I am not saying he hasn't got a condition that could deteriorate but I don't know of one that needs daily gym work outs to keep it from causing total loss of mobility.

He is using it as an excuse. I am pretty sure that moderate exercise will keep him healthy.
Standing at the sink for ten minutes a day would help quite a bit.

Olympiathequeen · 18/12/2016 09:02

Having a young baby is difficult and it's no doubt been a hard year for you. That will get better. Your dh sounds basically decent but has slipped into the mindset that a Sahm does nothing but drink coffee and watch tv. Housework is the invisible job I'm afraid.

Practically I would get a dishwasher as men seem a bit more inclined to do housework if it involves tech. Sit and talk to him about this one issue. Keep it to that and don't wander off along other gripes and you shouldn't argue. Even if he just stacks it neatly in the kitchen for you to load is better than going round the house and collecting dirty dishes.

If not lock all the dishes away and give him paper cups and plates and one saucepan only.

ShadowMane · 18/12/2016 09:04

I found earning 10x my husband worked very well indeed.

Well obviously if you are earning 10 lots of your husband then there are plenty of hands to get all the housework done

shinynewusername · 18/12/2016 09:07

He goes to the gym so much as he has a back condition whenby he says if he doesn't do something to strengthen it he could end up on a wheelchair later on and he doesn't want that, he wants to be healthy for his kids

I am a doctor and I agree it is (mostly) bollocks. Yes, if you have a spinal problem, exercise and maintaining muscle strength are very important. It is good to do some exercise against resistance e.g. weights. But you don't need to go to the gym every night - as PPs said, there are lots of things you can do at home. Also, he could be getting up early and going to the gym before work.

ZuzaPa · 18/12/2016 09:18

Mrnewgerardbutler. It was a poor choice of a figure of speech. I certainly don't condone violence towards anyone.

Wonderflonium · 18/12/2016 09:18

If he's a gamer maybe this could work www.chorewars.com/? I tried it on my bf and it sort of worked for a few weeks. We don't play anymore but he started doing more and more around the house without any input from me.

LunaJuna · 18/12/2016 09:21

Fair point that he goes to the gym to keep healthy , but if that's the only reason , he wouldn't need to go every evening or have different meals to increase his protein intake.
He is looking after himself and is only fair you do the same.

Regarding the dishes, it doesn't matter how much he works and you don't- he's an adult and should clearly after himself.

Serialweightwatcher · 18/12/2016 09:21

You need to sort it out sooner rather than later - I haven't worked since dcs were born and dh leaves everything everywhere with me going round after him and my now two teenage boys to pick everything up and put it back where it belongs - he only washes up at christmas and leaves all the cutlery in the bottom of the bowl - I'm constantly tired and house is still messy because it takes me so long to gather all the rubbish that's in all the wrong places and if anything goes missing it's my fault because I move it Confused ........ I rant every so often because I can't bear such disarray but nobody gives a shit ........... pls put your foot down now and get into a proper routine where you're not so tired or put upon - don't end up where it's your job!! Flowers

Flyingbellycopters · 18/12/2016 09:38

Rubbish for you. Have got you for parents or friends you could visit for few days with the. Baby? Even a couple days away leaving him with toddler may work a treat. And book in your evenings and find something to do on that. Cinema night? Go make pottery?! Anything so you're out and e knows you don't come back to dishes. He deals with everything from children to clearing

EweAreHere · 18/12/2016 09:44

Make him get up before work if he is pretending he can 'only' strengthen his back for his mysterious, unnamed condition in the gym daily; he can do it in the wee hours of the morning.

He should be cleaning up after himself; not adding to your stress. You are on maternity leave, which means your primary responsibility is to be looking after the children, not being the maid. Anything else is nice but secondary.