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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think spending Christmas apart is a bit weird....

110 replies

00100001 · 17/12/2016 19:47

... Nothing to do with me, I know

But I'm judgey Grin

I have two friends - they are late 20s and have been together about 4 years.

They have spent every Christmas apart, because neither of them want to be away from their family on the day. So they go their separate ways on about the 23rd and see each other again on the 26th/27th.

Like I say, SFA to do with me, but I find it curious.

AIBU to think they're... odd?

OP posts:
Rudymentary · 17/12/2016 21:18

This reply has been deleted

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legolammb · 17/12/2016 21:18

I'm in this category. Been with DP for 10 years and only done 1 Christmas together. I live 100 miles from family and don't see them that often - usually just for rushed weekends, so it's nice to spend a good amount of time with them. Also have school friends who live all over and Christmas is a good time for us all to get together as they're back home, so I like catching up with friends and family. I like not being a house guest at Christmas. I do miss DP but we see each other every day normally and will spend NYEve having a night in and nice dinner together.

flashheartscanoe · 17/12/2016 21:19

We did this until we had kids ( late twenties). We both saw it as a good opportunity to spend time with our parents. I used to send him off with him rude presents to open in front of his!

flashheartscanoe · 17/12/2016 21:22

Lots of people like their parents and enjoy their company.

Jellybean83 · 17/12/2016 21:23

Sounds similar to my brother and his partner, they're engaged and have never spent a Christmas Day together.

TiggeryBear · 17/12/2016 21:26

OH & I have done this for the past 10 years we've been together (excluding the year we went on holiday to Lapland together for Christmas). This is the 1st year we are spending Christmas Day together as we have a 9 month old DD. Our tradition was to join my family for our "family traditional meal" at local curry house on Christmas Eve then spend Christmas Day with our respective families then on Boxing Day at some point (once I'd sobered up) I'd head over to his family's home & spend the next few days with them. Both OH & I are very lucky that we both enjoy each others family's company & both our family's get on very well.

Maria1982 · 17/12/2016 21:32

We did this for years, in fact until last year. My family live abroad so we couldn't spend christmas day in one place and boxing day with the other. My parents were recently divorced and I couldn't face leaving my mum alone, he is a single child and his parents were keen to see him at Christmas.

Eventually we got fed up of it and last year went to the in-laws. This year going to my mum's. Next year we might just do our own thing Grin

So for us it worked for years, and when it didn't we changed it!
(we still don't have kids so that's not why we changed)

Arfarfanarf · 17/12/2016 21:34

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edwinbear · 17/12/2016 21:37

I dated a guy for 7 years who came from my home town, we lived together in London. We'd travel back to our home town together for Christmas, spend Christmas Day with our respective families then Boxing Day his family would come to mine for lunch. It worked for us.

PNGirl · 17/12/2016 21:37

I think that our generation (I'm in my 30s) often meets someone after moving for uni or work reasons, so it can be hard to see both families over a couple of days. As I met now-husband in my first year of university which was 100 miles away from my hometown and 150 from his in a different direction, we spent our first couple of Christmases apart, then moved in together over our third Christmas after getting retail part time jobs in our uni town. We've spent them together ever since, and tended to do my family, his, our own house.

Sometimes I think people assume their parents will be angry if they don't come "home" for Christmas and actually they're more accepting about adult children having their own arrangements than expected!

DinosaursRoar · 17/12/2016 21:40

I guess it seems weird to me, because the move from 'boyfriend' to 'partner' would also mean moving to my then DP/now DH is my primary family - so primary family are the people I want to spent significant dates with - including Christmas day. I wouldn't spend Christmas day with someone who was just a 'boyfriend', but once I had a properly serious relationship with the now DH, then we wanted to see each other on Christmas day.

It's also the whole "home" not being the place you actually live, but the place that you used to live and your parents currently live in.

ZestyDragon · 17/12/2016 21:52

Lots of judging on this thread. Dh and I are 40 and together 8 years. We have never spent Christmas together. Dh hates Christmas and finds it a triggering time of year - he grew up in a very abusive family and Christmas was a particularly bad time. When we first met he felt he needed to go home to keep the peace as worried what would happen there if he wasn't around. Four years ago he went no contact and now spends the time in our home alone and I fly abroad to my family. Finally he is a bit more at peace and happy to be alone.

Rudymentary · 17/12/2016 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NiceCardigan · 17/12/2016 21:55

DD1(25) comes home to us for Christmas and then her boyfriend of 4 years comes over on Boxing Day and stays with us for a few days. The reason is her boyfriends mum absolutely insists he is there for Christmas Day and DD1 would rather not go with him as she sees a lot of his parents anyway. We live further away and so she doesn't see so much of us. She's free to do what she chooses with no pressure from us.

IcanMooCanYou · 17/12/2016 21:59

DH goes back to his home country for Christmas- goes to Mass (I'm atheist). I love to visit IL in summer-get on very well- but their house is FREEZING so never visit in winter. He gets to go out with old friends and cousins.

I go to my parents- chill out, cook, read a good few books (DH would be very bored- he gets on very well with my parents- many holiday together).

Why would one or other of us have a Christmas we don't want just in case someone thinks we're strange?

We spend the run up to Christmas shopping together, in the pubs, having xmas meals out with friends, then have a big night out New Years Eve together. We are both very happy with the arrangements and have a fab relationship. I'm sure our arrangements will change once we have children but it works for us now.
Love the commentst: 'I knew a couple who spent it apart, they're divorsed now'. Yeah and how many couples do you now who spent every Christmas together and are divorsed now? Hmm My Xh and I for one!

IcanMooCanYou · 17/12/2016 22:00

Oh and both sets of parents would be fine with us making our own plans- no pressure from either side

Sandsnake · 17/12/2016 22:00

I know loads of people who do / did this, including one guy who continued it after he and his wife were married with a DD - neither could bear the thought of Christmas not at 'home'! No judgement here but absolutely not for us. We've been together since we were teenagers and the only Christmas we spent apart was rubbish. We got into a routine of alternating fairly early on, which we still do. Its a bit restrictive at times but also takes out any of the ambiguity of where we're going for Christmas.

Baylisiana · 17/12/2016 22:03

DP and I do this. We wouldn't if we had dc.

I do not want to take him away from his family at Xmas, they are a very small family and he doesn't see them that often. If I went with him though, I would either be leaving my DM on her own or missing my chance to spend Xmas other relatives if they are joining us (alternating years).

I am not under any pressure from family at all, the truth is I would also much rather be with my DM or wider family anyway. He is not under any pressure to go to his family either, but I think it would be selfish of me to tell him to stay with me. Of course I let him know that he is always welcome to, but that I understand it is a good time to see his family. Things could change if circumstances do.

I think it is not weird if you don't have dc and if there are practical/family reasons why it will really have an impact on others if you insist on being together at Xmas.

lalalalyra · 17/12/2016 22:06

My BIL and his GF do this. He loves the Christmas Day his family have and she loves hers. When they have children they'll alternate years, but for now they're quite happy to spend Christmas Day with their respective families. Both families know that they will not do anything on Boxing Day no matter how important/exciting the organiser thinks it is because that's their day together.

I don't think it's odd. I think it's quite refreshing that they don't feel the need to be joined at the hip 24/7.

A friend has a new boyfriend of 4 months. Her kids have always had a big family christmas with her side of the family (like 25 people at her Granny's) and it's been abandoned this year because her BF prefers a quieter day - to me that's odd.

lalalalyra · 17/12/2016 22:06

*odd that you'd abandon your tradition and that of your young children for just a short relationship

seven201 · 17/12/2016 22:10

Me and dh have spent all of our 10 christmases apart. Spending our first together this year, but that's only because we have a baby. I see him most days of the year but only see my dad, sisters and their families rarely. Nothing odd about it in my view.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 17/12/2016 22:19

SIL and her partner do this. I never think much of it apart from MIL insisting I still buy her DP a present.

Hulababy · 17/12/2016 22:22

Flashheartscanoe

Lots of people like their parents and enjoy their company.

Absolutely love my parents and siblings; dh the same. And having known each other's families for many ears we love each other's parents and siblings too.
We see them fairly regularly, talk to them often. We see them even more during December including both sets of parents on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.
However we don't see them on Christmas Day though do speak to them.
Not seeing them on Christmas Day doesn't mean we don't like them or enjoy their company.

Wouldn't that be like questioning why the couple don't spend Christmas Day together e.g. 'Lots of people like their partners and enjoy their company. ??? Which is obviously just as daft!

Bellabelloo · 17/12/2016 22:27

If you flip it the other way, how would you feel if your kids got into a newish relationship and shunned you at Christmas by wanting to spend it with their boyfriend or girlfriend who they spent loads more time with throughout the year anyway?

I love my family and Christmas is a really important family get together for us and I spent every single Christmas with them until I got married at the age of 33. So 9 years with my OH before that was spent with us each spending Christmas with our own families. He would have been welcome at ours - but I love the fact that familiar was so important to him that he wanted to spend it with his. One of our first arguments as a married couple was whose family we were going to spend the first Christmas with!!

ZouBisou · 17/12/2016 22:31

I don't think it's weird, and as it is harming absolutely no one I think it is really judgemental and not very nice to call it weird and insinuate there is something wrong with the people doing it.